I Won't Say Anything at All
by sammasterpiece
Summary: Marianas Trench have been together for a long time, and have learned to trust each other implicitly. But as time wears on it becomes increasingly obvious that they've been keeping secrets from each other. Collaboration.
1. Tired

**Authors' Note: This latest story is a collaboration between myself and my fellow Trencher friend, Jackie Naccache. If you're looking for us on twitter, she's jackienaccache and I'm SamMasterpiece. Hopefully it'll update faster since we're both writing it and she can yell at me if I'm being a slow writer. **

**This story will be told from the perspective of all the boys, as we thought it would be easier for us to write it that way. However, we're not telling you who's writing as who. Muahaha. **

**Enjoy!  
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><p>The voices of the crowd drowned out our own, and I took a step back from my mic and just...listened. This was by far my favourite part of my job: watching the crowd throw our own words back at us with so much power and passion. The words <em>"I'll be right beside you<em>" rang from a thousand voices, and I felt a small grin creep over my face.

I cast a glance over my shoulder at Josh, where he was sitting at the keyboard. His eyes were closed, and a soft smile was on his own face. I knew he enjoyed this moment just as much as I did, and he had worked as hard for it—harder.

This song was one of my favourite to hear live, and not only because of the way our fans sang the words back at us. To me, it symbolized our status as a band; we would be there for each other through everything, and we could trust each other with anything.

From the corner of my eye I saw Josh lean forward into his mic for the last line, allowing his voice to mingle with those of the crowd: _Nobody will break you._

The last note faded out into silence that was immediately replaced by cheering: shouts and screams, clapping hands and jumping fans. I knew that Beside You was supposed to be the last song of our set, and was surprised when Josh ran his hand down the keyboard, the notes ringing loudly through the speakers. I shot him a questioning look; he only nodded at me before leaning forward to speak into the mike.

"I'm a recovering heroin addict—" I had heard this speech before, and on our cue I stepped back with the others, leaving Josh alone in the spotlight.

Lover Dearest definitely wasn't on the set list; we hadn't played it for months. I wondered what made Josh want to play it now, especially without warning us. I knew the effect it tended to have on him; next to Skin & Bones, it was the most emotional song he had ever been asked to play, and I knew it brought back emotions he would rather forget.

"—And I took it and put it into a song called Lover Dearest." The first notes started up, and Josh's keening voice filled the air. For the first half of the song we let him have the stage to himself, and then Mike and I stepped into our places. The crowd was remarkably silent, erupting into cheers only when the song had ended.

I cast a sidelong look at Josh: he was leaning his head into his hand, telltale tears trickling down his cheeks. Once again I wondered why he had felt the need to play it, especially when it always reduced him to this.

"What was that about, man?" Ian asked backstage after the show. "I thought we had decided to put that song away."

Josh shrugged, not meeting any of our gazes. "It just...seemed like a good time to play it. The crowd deserved it."

When he finally faced me, I saw that his eyes were still rimmed in red; dark shadows that I hadn't noticed before hung beneath them.

"You been sleeping alright?" I asked.

Josh shrugged again, taking a long pull from a water bottle. "Insomnia," he replied simply, and I nodded. Insomnia had been plaguing Josh for years, ever since he went through his withdrawal from heroin. Recently it had gotten better, but there were still some nights where he got no rest.

"We all look tired," I noted, looking around at the group. Mike had shadows under his eyes that rivalled Josh's own, and Ian's usually cheerful eyes were pulling down at the corners. "Has the road been wearing on us?"

"I guess," Mike said with a short laugh. "I just really can't wait to get home right about now."

We all understood that; after a long tour there was nothing quite like sleeping in your own bed.

"Well, this time tomorrow we'll be there," I said, clapping him on the back. "Whatdya say to going out and celebrating?" We usually celebrated at the end of a tour, and sometimes after individual concerts; it helped us loosen up and remember not to take our jobs too seriously, because firstly and above all we were friends.

They all declined, and although I was a little disappointed I couldn't blame them; they did all seem unnaturally tired. "Alright," I said, trying not to let my disappointment show. "But we should at least go out to greet the fans." The unofficial meet-and-greets had become something of a tradition of ours, a way to say thank you to our biggest supporters.

Even this seemed to be too much effort for them. Josh was unnaturally snappy and quiet; Ian unnaturally sombre. For the first time, Mike refused to take pictures. I tried to make up for their obvious exhaustion by being overly exuberant, much louder than I usually was.

Later, I considered calling them out on it or questioning them further, but I hated confrontations and I didn't want to make things awkward. After all, they were grown men, and I'm sure if they had problems they knew how to deal with them on their own. If it was anything more serious than sleep, I was sure they would tell me, because we were a band and we were best friends.

That didn't stop me from feeling uneasy, as we exchanged few words on the way back to the hotel. With muttered goodbyes we stumbled off to our individual rooms—gone were the days where we had to share beds—and I found myself lying awake in bed, pursued by nagging worries.

I was not nearly as tired as the others; in fact, the leftover adrenaline from the show was still rushing through my veins. It left me again wondering what had gotten into my fellow band members.

Maybe it was the weather, and a bit of homesickness; it was early December, and they hadn't been in Vancouver since the middle of September. This answer seemed reasonable, and less difficult to think about than other possibilities; somewhat relieved, I forced the matter from my mind.

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><p><strong>As always, please review!<strong>


	2. 1712

I didn't think I could remember the last time I was this aggravated to be back in Vancouver. I loved being on tour. Music was my only distraction from everything that's been going on. It actually frightened me to be alone, but at the same time, everyone seemed to love pissing me off lately.

My original intention was to go straight back to my apartment where she was waiting for me, but for some reason, I couldn't bring myself to do so. I decided to take a drive to cool off a bit. As I sped down the highway, faster and faster, it began to pour. It wasn't the kind of light rain I usually liked; it was the kind of rain that put me in an even worse mood.

Suddenly, my phone started buzzing. After pressing ignore 3 times, I pulled over and answered it.

"Where are you? I've been waiting here forever."

"I'm sorry," I said softly, "I'll be there later tonight, I promise. I have to drop off some music at Mike's place." I knew it wasn't a good idea to lie to her, but I couldn't bring myself to tell her what I was really up to; she wouldn't understand.

"Funny, Mike just dropped by," she scoffed.

Shit. I fell completely silent.

"He and Matt were gonna go out for celebratory drinks and wanted you to join," she continued.

"Did I say Mike's house? Oh man, I'm so tired I can't think straight. I meant to say Ian's," I was digging myself into a deeper hole. Normally I could lie pretty well, but at the moment, I sounded like I was in grade five.

"Ian's visiting family." She began to sound very suspicious.

"It's raining, I gotta go." I immediately hung up. What the fuck did I just do?

My phone began buzzing again. I threw it onto the backseat when I heard something fall. I turned around and saw my worst nightmare on the floor of the car. It was staring at me. Mocking me.

I started the engine and drove faster and faster. I didn't know where I was heading, but it had to be somewhere far away from here. I couldn't take her questioning me, or the boys being on my case, or that stupid song playing through my head. I decided to turn on the radio. I almost crashed into the side of the road when I heard what song was playing.

"...Sometimes I wish you would leave me. Whoa, I'm not sick of you yet, is that as good as it gets…"

Since when did they play Lover Dearest on the radio? I must have been delirious or something. I immediately pulled over and shut my car off. I had come off the highway miles ago, somehow ending up on a deserted, winding road. This place looked familiar, but I couldn't recall any memories.

I flopped down beside my car and closed my eyes. What the hell was wrong with me? How could I have let myself go down this path again? I opened my eyes immediately as I began to think about how this all started. I couldn't stand being alone with my thoughts; they scared the shit out of me.

I stood up and began walking towards what looked like a small forest. As I drew closer and closer, I stopped dead in my tracks. I couldn't believe it; I knew this place looked familiar. About ten years ago this very month, Matt and I had built what we thought would become a sort of hide out in order to escape all the annoying shitheads at school. I walked up to the pile of remains.

"Holy shit," I exclaimed to myself, picking up an old set of keys.

I couldn't believe it. I had sworn I lost those keys. How is that even possible? After lots of contemplation, I sprinted back to my van and started the engine. Driving as fast as I possibly could back down the winding road, rain beating down on my dash, I ended up back on the highway. Excitement rushed through my body. I knew the house had been for sale for a while now. It couldn't hurt to just look.

To my surprise, nothing had changed. I walked around a little bit, recognizing every corner, every smell, every scratch. Tears began to flood my eyes as I hurried down to the basement. I saw the corner where it all started and the bathroom where it all ended. I couldn't believe nothing had changed.

"Excuse me, what do you think you're doing?"

Startled, I tripped over the dark blue throw rug and landed face-first onto a drum kit which had been stupidly placed near the center of the room. I quickly got up and brushed myself off, only to see a tall, lanky old woman in a pantsuit, staring at me as if I were a troubled seventeen year old.

"I-I'm sorry, I was just looking," I replied nervously, hiding the keys behind my back.

"But I had locked the house hours ago, how on earth did you manage to let yourself in?"

"Uhhhh—"

"Never mind that," she scoffed, "just get out of here!"

"Yes ma'am." I bit my lip and hesitantly walked up the stairs, taking one last look.

"My daughter loves your music by the way," she said, giving what could possibly be the smallest smile I'd ever seen.

"Thanks," I said weakly.

Walking back to the car and overwhelmed with memories, I drove off and pulled into the first parking lot I could find. I turned to the backseat, grabbing the bag that had been knocked over earlier and began doing what I had originally planned on doing all along. I knew it couldn't fix the fact that I had been off medication for weeks now, but why should it matter? My whole life was slipping through my fingertips. Nothing was going right and everyone seemed to be out to get me.

After finishing and feeling the toxicity take control of me, I knew I couldn't handle seeing her tonight, or seeing anyone for that matter. I decided to sleep at the only place I could truly call my home. The studio was my sanctuary. Nothing and nobody would bother me there. I managed to find a pillow and a fairly small blanket. I laid myself down on the leather couch and fell asleep almost instantly.

After the first decent sleep I've had in months, I woke up at ten in the morning, feeling better than usual. But of course, good things never last very long in my life. Panic struck my face as I heard footsteps pacing in the recording room. Of course, I had forgotten to lock the front door.

I knew I had to get out of there, and fast. If either of the boys knew I had slept here for the night, they'd know something was up. I only sleep at the studio when I'm thoroughly depressed. The window in the room I had slept in was pretty large, so I thought I'd at least give it a shot. I managed to successfully squeeze my way out and walk around the building towards the front door. Sure it was abnormal for me to be awake and at the studio this early, but the same went for Matt. All I had to do know is figure out what to tell Amanda…

"I saw you climb out the window," Matt said slyly, standing in the doorway.

"I was just…" my voice trailed off.

"Just what? Just sleeping at the studio? Dude, what's going on?"

I knew I couldn't tell him, but then again, I couldn't just leave. So, like most of my defense mechanisms, I quickly changed the subject and started walking towards the recording room. What he doesn't know won't hurt him. Besides, Matt's the type of guy who doesn't like confrontation. So if I change the subject, he won't bother continue to argue. However, Matt's been particularly observant lately, which worried me a lot. I knew he'd be there for me if he found out, but I just didn't want him to be there for me. I didn't want anyone to be there for me. I was completely content being alone. At least, I thought I was.


	3. Visit

Just the thought of Vancouver picked up my spirits, and I could feel the cloud that had hung over me for the past three months lifting with the plane that would bring us home.

I couldn't blame Matt for being confused, and a little angry at the way we had been acting recently. We weren't supposed to let our personal lives affect our work lives, because the fans didn't deserve that. They didn't deserve the way we had treated them at the meet and greet the night before, and already I felt guilty for that.

Although honestly, I didn't know what had gotten into Josh and Ian. I shrugged it off, assuming they would let the rest of us know if it was something serious. Of course, I hadn't bothered to inform them of my own problems, but that was different; my problems were family matters, and that was all.

I noticed that everyone seemed a little happier to be back home, except perhaps Josh, who was looking even more sullen than he had been lately. The dark circles under his eyes hadn't faded overnight, and I realized that his insomnia probably hadn't gotten better. That would certainly explain his unusual silence over the past weeks—being on the road was hard enough even given enough sleep each night.

It was afternoon when we landed, and as soon as I got away from the others I pulled out my phone and dialled Leilani's number.

"How is he?" I asked without preamble as soon as she picked up. It was the first sign of things that had changed; usually our conversations were filled with tender greetings; I love you's and I missed you's.

"He's...not worse," she replied, sounding reserved.

"But he's not better."

She sighed deeply. "Mike, you called just last night. You can't have expected something to change."

"I can hope," I said, my voice stiff. Hope was all that had gotten me through these past months that I'd had to spend away from my wife and son. "I want to see him."

"Why don't you come home and rest first? You must be tired..."

"No more so than usual." I was always tired; it was something I had learned to live with, pushing away the fatigue with copious amounts of coffee and iron will. "I'll come home, but I'm not resting until I see him."

"I don't know how you do it," she said softly. I knew she was talking about everything: about the months we spent apart and the days when I heard no news and the nights I had to spend alone, awake and worried. To be honest, I didn't know how I did it either.

"I'm on my way." I had just pushed through the airport doors, pushing my suitcases on a luggage cart with one hand and holding the phone to my ear with another. "Give me twenty minutes."

"Okay. I'll see you then." There was a tone of sadness in her voice, and for a moment I thought she was going to say something else. But I heard only a click, followed by the dialtone.

I drove as fast as I dared on the way home, and pulled into my driveway five minutes earlier than promised. I pulled my suitcases out of the trunk and lugged them up the front step, just about to unlock the front door when it swung open. Leilani stood there, and we barely had a second to look at each other before she flung herself into my arms.

"I forgot to say I missed you," she said, her voice muffled by my shoulder.

For a moment I just held her in silence, breathing in her scent. It was a respite from the worries that were plaguing me—a brief one. "Are you ready to go?" I asked, pulling away.

She looked at me, and through her sorrow I could see she understood. "Bring your things inside, and let me grab a coat."

The drive to the hospital was a long and silent one. Words, which had once flowed for effortlessly between us, seemed to take too much effort; we each sat wrapped in our own thoughts, both unable to take comfort in the other.

This is what has come of our relationship, I thought to myself bitterly, thrown apart by distance and despair. I acutely missed the way our family had been prior to October. It had been far from perfect, but it had been perfect for me.

"I'm sorry," I said suddenly. Leilani nodded, and stretched her hand across the seat to take mine. She didn't need to ask what I meant; there were still some things that could pass between us without words to explain.

We stayed that way for the rest of the drive. I could feel a sudden nervousness clutch my stomach as I pulled into the hospital parkade. The last time I had seen my son, he had been whole and healthy. I didn't know what to expect.

I waited impatiently as Leilani signed us in at the front desk, unable to stop my foot from tapping. When she had finished she came over and took me gently, but firmly, by the arm. "It'll be okay," she whispered in my ear.

I nodded woodenly; everything about my movements was forced and broken, as if I was being controlled by a puppeteer. My steps were stilted as we made our way down a fourth floor corridor, before coming to a halt outside a door.

Leilani looked at me questioningly, and I took a deep breath before opening the door. It was funny how for the past two months on tour I'd been waiting for this moment, and now that it was here I couldn't move.

There was more than one bed in the room, although the beds themselves were more like boxes: small, meant for infants, with glass walls rising up on all four sides. It made me sick to look at. This was not where my son should be.

The room was bustling with doctors and nurses as well, as would be expected. One noticed our presence in the doorway and came bustling over.

"We're here to see Tristan Ayley," Leilani told her, and the nurse showed us to a bed near the window.

My heart caught in my throat as I looked into it. There were tubes everywhere, sticking out of his arms and legs and nose; his pale skin was marked with blue veins and dark bruises. His eyes, of course, were closed—they had been closed for almost two months now—and it was only when I concentrated that I could see his chest moving shallowly up and down.

Tears pricked at my eyes as I watched him. I was a terrible father. I should have been _there_ for him when it happened, and I should have been there throughout the long intervening months, not off living a boy's dream.

But it wasn't as if I could leave the band—I could never stand to do that to the others. They needed me, and that was why I hadn't left in the middle of tour, and why they still didn't know what had happened.

I was intensely glad that for the next two months, over Christmas and into the new year, we would be staying here. There would be no need for me to juggle two lives, for me to be a husband and father as well as a rockstar.

For now, I couldn't stand looking down at the small, still body of my son. "Let's go," I said to Leilani, my voice hoarse.

The moment I got home, I called Matt. "Hey," I said as soon as he answered. "How about I take you up on that offer?"

"...Huh?" he said after a moment of blank silence.

"Celebrating. Why don't we go out and celebrate?" I felt in need of a drink right now, or several.

"Oh. Sure!" Matt was very evidently relieved that at least one of us was showing signs of life. "I'll see if Josh wants to tag along." Ian had left soon after we landed to visit family in the Okanogan, so he wouldn't be able to make it, and although Josh didn't drink he sometimes enjoyed watching us make fools of ourselves.

Josh, it seemed, couldn't be found anywhere; he had never arrived back at the apartment he shared with Amanda, and she tried calling him several times to no avail.

"I wonder where he is," I said, feeling vaguely worried. Josh had not been acting at all like himself lately.

Matt just shrugged. "Just off being Josh, probably," he said. "Ah well, it'll be fun with just the two of us."

Fun wasn't exactly what I was aiming for, but I figured if I drank enough maybe I'd end up having some. We made our way to our favourite bar downtown, and spent several hours there in comfortable companionship. Luckily, Matt wasn't the most talkative guy, and it wasn't hard to act relaxed around him.

"I'm glad you seem to be feeling better," Matt said, playing with his empty glass. "Being on the road can really get to you, eh?"

I just nodded, and smiled, and took another sip of my drink. The truth was I wasn't feeling better at all; I was feeling worse than I ever had.


	4. A Selfish Happiness

**Author's Note: I was definitely at the Marianas Trench concert last night. It was the best night ever. Anyway...on to chapter 4!**

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><p>Lying to the boys was one of the worst things I'd ever done. Then again, not talking to the fans the other night wasn't much better. Of course I could've told Matt where I was going when he asked. The only thing I was worried about was him asking if he could tag along. There was no way they could know how far in I was. I love them and trust them, but they just wouldn't understand. So sue me if I told a little white lie.<p>

Then again, I'd never lied to my band mates before.

"It shouldn't hurt to simply call them," I told myself. After all, Eddie and the guys weren't even in town until tomorrow evening.

I decided I'd call Josh and let him know I decided not to go visit family. I figured if the boys went out for drinks, Josh would be the only sober one there. And I was in no mood to talk to Mike or Matt while they were drunk.

After calling his cellphone about three times with no answer, I decided I'd try his apartment. Knowing him, he was probably still lying in bed.

"Hello?"

"Hey, Amanda, do you have any idea where Josh is?"

"Nope," she responded quickly.

"Uhhh, okay. Do you know where the rest of the guys are?" I asked cautiously.

"Listen, Ian. Josh didn't come home last night. You think I'm gonna worry about where the rest of the guys are?" she began to sound quite agitated.

"Right, sorry for bothering you," I said before quickly hanging up. Amanda was quite possibly one of the sweetest people I'd ever met. But if she's ever worried about something, it's practically impossible to communicate with her. However, I did regret not asking why Josh hadn't come home.

Feeling anxious and with absolutely nothing to do for the rest of the day, I decided to take a walk. I wondered how far it would take to get to the studio by foot; I'd never tried. I looked longingly at the parking garage, desperately wishing I had my car again.

Exactly thirty-five minutes later, I made it to the studio. Drumming was the only thing to calm me down and keep me relatively sane. Without my drums, you might as well pronounce me dead.

To my unfortunate surprise, I saw Josh's fancy-ass car parked in front of the studio. I couldn't tell if all the boys were in there, considering Matt and Mike lived about five minutes away on foot. After much contemplation, I decided I'd quickly grab my drumsticks from the equipment room and practice on anything I could find in my shit-hole of an apartment. This was a much better idea than to stay and listen to all the guys go on about their perfect lives with their perfect girls or their never ending amount of fucking money.

Okay, deep breath.

"WILL YOU GET OFF MY FUCKING CASE; I'M TYRING TO WRITE A SONG HERE!" a particularly groggy voice screamed as I tip-toed in. Josh's voice was becoming more and more hoarse for some reason.

"Dude, I just asked if you wanted anything for lunch! Will you calm down?" I heard Matt reply, sounding more pissed off than usual. I knew I had to get out of there, and fast.

I quickly ran into the equipment room, grabbed my drumsticks, and bolted out.

"Yo, I thought you were with your family?" I heard a voice call out.

I turned around to see the straggly-haired mess give me a confused look.

"Oh, yeah," I tried to come up with some sort of excuse, "turns out my Mom's got the flu," I continued. Why did I keep doing this?

"Aw man that sucks. Wanna grab a bite to eat?"

"Nah, don't worry about me," I replied, feeling my eyes begin to sting, "everything okay in here?"

"Oh yeah, Josh is just being…Josh," he gave a light chuckle.

"Right, I'll see you guys later," I said while backing out the door.

I suddenly began to feel unbelievably stupid. Not only did I just make the most ridiculous excuse in my life, but I didn't even bother inquiring what Josh was up to last night and why he hadn't returned home.

I started walking back to my apartment as fast as I could. The quicker I got back, the quicker I could try to forget about the last few hours. I made a startling halt as I passed by the children's hospital. I familiar black van was pulling out. I couldn't see who was driving; however, sitting tall in the passenger seat was most definitely Leilani. What the hell was Mike doing at a children's hospital? Realizing I had absolutely nothing better to do, and knowing I had to distract myself somehow, I started walking towards the entrance.

The entire place was a disgusting eggshell white, with a cold draft coming in. I walked around for a while, trying to figure out why I was even there in the first place.

"Can I help you, sir?" asked a nurse whose nametag read Lily. She looked to be about my age and had the most ravishing dark hair with piercing green eyes.

"Uhhh, is there an Ayley here?" I asked stupidly.

"You're going to have to be more specific, sir," she replied.

"Yes well… I just… I—" I started stammering like an idiot. I'd completely forgotten why I was there.

The nurse gave out a small chuckle.

"I'm Ian," I held out my hand.

"Well Ian, it's quite a pleasure to meet you, however you still haven't told me why you're here," she smiled as she shook my hand. She had to be the most poised woman I'd ever met.

"I forgot," I blushed.

"Well, I'm Lily," she said as her face turned a bright shade of red.

"I know," I said before realizing how unbelievably creepy that statement sounded, "I mean, I should probably go."

"Yes, you probably should considering you don't remember why you came," she said slyly.

"I'll see you around," I laughed.

A bolt of energy rushed through my body as I walked out of the hospital and back to my apartment. I had no idea why Mike had pulled out of the hospital, nor did I really care at this point. For the first time in ages, I was happy. Now all that mattered at this point was figuring out a way to get back into that hospital…


	5. You Should Know Me by Now

**Author's Note: Has everyone bought Haven't Had Enough yet?  
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><p>"I had an idea for a song," Josh explained as he led me back into the recording room. "There was no point in letting it sit, especially if I wasn't going to sleep anyway."<p>

"Are you gonna let me listen to it?" I asked.

Josh snorted. "Why else would I be taking you back here?"

I had several witty answers to that, but I had the feeling Josh wouldn't be in the mood to hear any of them.

The walls of the recording room were covered in consoles, screens and buttons. To be honest, Josh was the only one who knew how to work them; I just watched and tried to stay out of the way. However, today he stayed away from all the technical stuff and went right to an acoustic guitar that was sitting in the corner.

He sat on the floor and pulled it into his lap, strumming it aimlessly a few times before beginning.

"_I thought you'd feel the same as me. It's time that I come clean, but for now can we just both pretend to sleep? Sometimes the one you want is not the one you need. What goes around comes back around; you should know me by now."_

After he finished, he looked at me expectantly. For a second, I saw the Josh I had known for ten years, not the Josh of the past couple of months. "What did you think?" he asked. "I mean, I just have the chorus so far..." he trailed off, suddenly looking nervous.

"It's good," I assured him. And it was. "Any ideas for the rest of it?"

He looked like he was about to answer negatively, but stopped himself. "Actually...would you like to help me with it?"

I couldn't stop the look of surprise from crossing my face. Josh and I hadn't written together since high school, and when it came to Marianas, he usually liked to tackle it on his own. But he had been acting unusually distant lately; maybe this was his way of making up for it. "Sure."

For the next couple of hours we sat together in the recording room, tossing around lyrics and chords. It was companionable and friendly, something I hadn't even realized I missed, and I hated to break the mood we had created. But something was nagging at me, and I felt like I had to bring it up. As Josh's best friend this was my job, right?

I began nervously, clearing my throat. "Are...are you and Amanda okay?" Josh and Amanda had been dating for what seemed like forever, and we had grown quite close over the years. I would hate to see something come between them, but, judging by the tone of Amanda's voice when she called this morning, wondering if I'd seen Josh, maybe something had.

Josh looked up at me sharply, his hands falling away from the guitar. For a moment, his face was more vulnerable than I'd ever seen it, before all expression was erased entirely. "Yeah," he answered shortly.

Part of me wanted to give up right there, but I forced myself to push on. Have I mentioned how much I hate confrontations? "Why didn't you go home last night?"

"None of your business."

"Amanda was really worried about you."

Josh didn't reply.

"Look, Josh, if something's going on between you guys, you need to fix it."

"There's nothing going on."

"But—"

"I said it's none of your fucking business, okay?" Josh's voice was rapidly rising and he was glaring at me, but I didn't back down.

"I'm not going to just stand by and let you destroy your life!"

His eyes flashed, and for a second I thought I saw fear on his face, before it was replaced by anger. "My life is _fine_!"

"Really?" I raised my eyebrows mockingly at him. "You think I haven't noticed how distant you've been getting? Christ, Josh, we're best friends! We're in a band together! You can _tell_ me when something's going wrong!"

"Would you just fuck off, Matt?" Josh asked, his voice icily calm. "I can take care of myself."

"Fine!" I shouted at him, suddenly angrier than I could ever remember being. I didn't know whether it was because I had just been told to fuck off by my best friend, or because I wasn't sure we still were best friends, or because everything seemed to be going wrong lately, but suddenly I found myself on my feet and marching out the door, slamming it behind me.

I didn't get angry very often; the other guys often teased me for being emotionless. It wasn't true, of course. I was just less likely to actually show emotions, and I rarely ever had outbursts, which was why the fight I'd just had with Josh shocked me as much as it infuriated me.

I leaned against the wall, trying to calm myself down. Maybe I had been mistaken; maybe there was nothing wrong. Josh had spent nights at the studio before, I knew that, and it was more likely to happen when he was suffering from insomnia. I already knew the others were tired from the tour, but maybe I was worn out, too. I didn't have the right to question them, any of them.

My anger was fading away, quickly replaced by guilt. I wasn't mad at Josh—after all, swearing was something he did frequently, especially when aggravated—and maybe it really was none of my business.

I glanced at the clock. It was 12:30; I still had time to fix this.

Opening the door, I poked my head inside. "Hey, do you want me to grab you some lunch?"

I just had time to catch Josh with his head in his hands before he jumped to his feet. "WILL YOU GET OFF MY FUCKING CASE; I'M TYRING TO WRITE A SONG HERE!" he screamed at me, and immediately my anger came rushing back.

"Dude, I just asked if you wanted anything for lunch! Will you calm down?"

I never heard Josh's reply, if he had one; I was distracted by the sound of footsteps outside. I turned around just in time to see Ian's unmistakable form dashing out of the equipment room.

What was Ian doing here? "Yo, I thought you were with your family?" I called to him.

Ian slowly turned around. His drumsticks were clutched in his hand. "Oh, yeah," he said slowly. "Turns out my mom's got the flu."

"Aw man, that sucks. Wanna grab a bite to eat?" I thought I might as well ask, since it was very obvious Josh didn't want my company at the moment.

"Nah, don't worry about me," Ian replied, glancing between me and the open door. "Everything okay in here?"

"Oh yeah, Josh is just being…Josh," I said, forcing a chuckle. More and more often lately, that had been the Josh I'd seen most of.

"Right. I'll see you guys later." Ian gave a half-hearted wave, slowly backing out the door.

"Alright." I turned back to Josh. He was standing a few feet away from me, a look of shame on his face.

"Sorry, man," he said. "I guess this lack of sleep is really getting to me."

"No, you were right." My voice was colder than I intended. "You're a big boy now; you can take care of yourself."

I turned away from him, walking rapidly out the studio doors. I didn't know why Josh was pissing me off so much lately. He'd always had the mood swings of a chick, but this was getting ridiculous.

Well, I wouldn't be getting involved anymore. It wasn't worth the headache; if Josh wanted my help with whatever the hell was going on with him, he could ask for it.

Before I got too far down the sidewalk, I pulled out my phone and quickly called Amanda.

"Hello?" she answered, sounding tired.

"Hey, I found Josh. He spent the night at the studio."

"Right back to the music," she said, sounding annoyed. "It would have been nice for him to at least say _hello_ to me after spending three months apart."

I considered asking her the same question I had asked Josh, but I had already promised to stay out of it. "Yeah, well...it'll be okay," I finished lamely.

She sighed. "Thanks for letting me know, Matt. Since he was too busy to do it himself—"

"See you later," I said quickly, hanging up before she launched into a full-on tirade.

My apartment was only a few blocks away from the studio, and a couple of minutes later I was walking up to the front door.

Maybe we all just needed some space, I reflected as I walked up a set of floral-patterned stairs. Maybe the months spent together on tour were finally starting to wear on us.

I forced the thought from my mind as I turned the key in the lock and opened the door. God, I used to never worry about stuff like this. I had been more stressed lately than I had realized; I needed to take a break just as much as everyone else.

I looked around the space that had been mine for the past few years. It wasn't very big, but it had been my home whenever I wasn't away with the band. I threw myself down on the faded couch and turned on the TV, looking for a sports channel.

That was something I could get lost in: statistics and facts, wins and losses. The onslaught of information pushed all other worries from my mind, just as I'd intended.


	6. Battle

"Hello?"

"Come to the studio," I said right before hanging up. Sure, I could've given her a bit more information, but it's me: quite possibly the biggest tease ever.

It was pretty apparent Matt was on to me, considering how angry he just got... I needed to fix things before I lost everyone. Besides, I didn't need the drama. The way I see it, it's better to force yourself to be happy with what you have. I saw no point in wanting more.

Until she walked in.

She was most definitely not Amanda. I had never seen her before in my life, but I only wish I had. She had long bright red hair which practically reached her belly button. Her eyes were astonishingly similar to mine and she had what could possibly be the most beautiful smile I'd ever seen.

"Hi, you must be Josh Ramsay," she said sweetly.

"I must be…" I replied. Wait, what?

A confused look hit her face.

"I mean," I continued, "yes, I am."

She laughed. "I'm Alexa," she said, swiftly holding out her hand.

"Alexa…" my voice trailed off.

"So are we doing this or…" she said while letting go of my hand.

Naturally, at first I felt very confused. Then suddenly, it hit me. Shit. She must've been the girl who called me last month; the girl who wanted me to help produce her first album. I completely forgot she was coming today.

"Right! You! You're… the girl! Who's coming… today!"

"Yes… me!" she sounded slightly confused.

I looked around the room nervously. Amanda was coming any minute. What the hell would she say if she saw Alexa and me alone in my studio? I needed a plan.

"You look a little off-balance today," she said impatiently, "I could come back tomorrow if you'd like?"

"No!" I shouted louder than intended.

Alexa took a few steps back.

"I mean…" I continued while walking towards her, "it's just…" I didn't even know how to respond.

"It's okay, I understand," she smiled, "I'll be here tomorrow at eight o' clock sharp then."

"…In the morning?" I asked. I hated mornings.

"Of course! See ya, Ramsay," she smiled flirtatiously as she walked out the door.

Just in time. A few minutes later, Amanda's car pulled in…

After taking multiple deep breaths, I started walking towards the front door. It's not that I didn't love Amanda, because I really did... It was more of the fact that it didn't seem like she loved me anymore. And being me, I tend to get bored quite easily. However, I knew I had to fix this sooner or later. Better be sooner…

"Hi," I said as she walked through the door. I wanted to hug her but she kept walking.

"You look pale," she stated.

Seriously? I'd been gone for three months and that's the first thing she says to me?

"I missed you, too…" I replied sarcastically.

"Cut the sarcasm, Josh, it was you who didn't show up last night," she snapped.

"I know, I'm sorry," I admitted sincerely.

She pursed her lips. She always did that when she was getting impatient.

"Why'd you ask me to come?" she inquired.

"I wanted to see you." I walked towards her, grabbing her waist.

She immediately pushed me away. "Really? Then why didn't you come home last night?"

"I was busy."

"Doing what?"

"Don't worry about it!"

"Don't worry about it? Josh, you only ever sleep at the studio when there's something seriously wrong! Of course I'm gonna worry about it!"

I took another deep breath. I hated it when we fought.

"Look," I explained, unconsciously fidgeting with my collar and staring at my feet, "I started working on a song and I fell asleep, okay?"

"You're lying," she said sternly.

"Are you kidding me?" I said with disbelief.

"You're playing with your collar and looking down." She crossed her arms.

"OHHH! I'M AMANDA AND I THINK I KNOW MY BOYFRIEND SO FUCKING WELL!" I shouted.

"Real mature." She pursed her lips again.

Filled with embarrassment, I fell silent.

"Show me the song then," she instructed as though I was bluffing.

I knew I couldn't show her the song I had just written with Matt. Without thinking straight, I figured that maybe if I played a song from our very first EP, she wouldn't recognize it.

"Backwards leaving, Barely beating. Stupid reasons, useless feelings." I started singing before she cut me off.

"Really, Josh? You spent all night writing a song you already wrote?" she said while eyeing the piece of paper on the table across the room.

Panic struck my face. I got up, crumpled the paper in my hands and stuffed it in my pocket.

"You know I'm going to hear it eventually, you might as well just sing it now," she said knowingly.

I groaned as I picked up my guitar and began playing the first verse, not looking up throughout the entire song.

"…You should know me by now." I finished with one last chord.

As I looked up, I saw the love of my life trying to hold back tears while walking out the door.

"Amanda, wait!" I shouted, running over to her. I managed to grab her arm before she stepped outside.

She looked down and said the words I was most afraid of. "Maybe we should take a break."

"No, you don't understand!" I exclaimed. "That song didn't mean anything!"

"Oh, cut the bullshit, Josh. When have your songs never meant anything?" she said as I loosened my grip.

She kissed me on the cheek. "Bye, Josh."

I stood completely motionless as I watched her run back to her car while wiping her eyes. This was total bullshit. Fuck everything. I knew what I had to do. It was the only thing I could think of. And it couldn't wait.

I ran back to the room I had slept in and grabbed the plastic bag. This was the only way out.

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><p><strong>Review? Please?<strong>


	7. Lies

As much as it hurt, I made an effort to visit Tristan with Leilani every day that week. Leilani kept insisting to me that the presence of loved ones was often what made victims of head trauma wake up; but each time we visited, Tristan seemed as small and vulnerable as ever. He didn't move, he didn't change, he hardly breathed.

It made me wonder, with a terrible sinking feeling: if we couldn't wake him up, who could? And the longer he stayed comatose, the less likely it seemed that he would _ever _wake up. That thought scared me more than anything.

Together, we made our way up to the familiar white corridor and through the familiar door. The same nurse that had greeted us several days before was working again, and she glanced up and nodded at us as we entered, before turning back to her work.

Just being in the room made me sad. All those sick babies—and one of them was ours.

Tristan was, of course, lying in his bed by the window, exactly as we had last seen him: on his back, his arms and legs slightly outstretched, his eyes closed, a tangle of tubes emerging from the glass case that confined him.

Leilani and I sat down on either side of him and, tenderly, she placed her hand on his small arm and began stroking the skin there. She was murmuring under her breath, too low for me to hear the words.

"Sometimes it helps when you talk to them," she said, looking up at me.

I nodded, not meeting her gaze. Slowly, my hand snaked out to rest in his soft hair. "Hi," I said softly, and my voice sounded too loud in the quiet room and the words got caught in my throat. I cleared it and tried again.

"Hi, Tristan. It's me, it's your dad. I'm home..."

He didn't stir, and because I didn't know what to say I found myself talking about various adventures the band had while on tour: How we had missed our turn and drove for two hours in the wrong direction, how Josh had fallen over the barrier into the arms of the rabid fans; the pranks Brett pulled on all of us to keep us loose and the nights we stayed out until three and woke up at seven and did it all again the next day.

At last I ran out of things to talk about and my voice trailed off. Tristan hadn't stirred. My eyes met Leilani's, and wordlessly we both got to our feet. From her bag Leilani pulled a small teddy bear, and placed it in the corner of Tristan's bed. He couldn't see it and didn't even know it was there, but maybe it would give him some comfort anyway.

"You really love them, don't you?" Leilani asked gently as we made our way out of the building. "The other members of your band, I mean."

I just nodded mutely. I hadn't told Leilani about the tension that had sprung up between the boys and me recently; I didn't really understand it myself. All I knew what that I didn't have the strength to worry about their problems as well as my own.

We made our way across the parking lot towards our black van. Next to it was standing a lanky figure that I would recognize anywhere, and I halted in my tracks.

Leilani looked at me curiously, and after a moment I resumed walking, my heart pounding in my chest. What the hell was Ian doing here?

"Mike!" he called out as he saw us approach. I raised my hand and gave him a half-hearted wave.

"What are you doing here?" We came to a stop in front of him.

"I was just walking by, and saw your car in the lot." This seemed rather unlikely, as there was nothing to distinguish my car from those around us, but I was too anxious to challenge him. Suddenly Ian's face turned serious. "The better question is what are _you_ doing here?"

"Our—our niece," I said, scrambling for an excuse. "She—she has—leukemia. We thought it would be nice to pay her a visit." It was probably the worst lie I had ever told, and I struggled to push down the guilt that was rising within me, to stop it from showing on my face.

I saw Leilani shoot me a sharp glance, but I ignored her. I would tell her the whole story later, but for now I just hoped she would play along. At the moment, I was focused on Ian and his reaction. I was a terrible liar under the best of conditions and Ian knew this, but something seemed to be preoccupying him, and he didn't notice my stuttering. His face fell into lines of pity and sympathy.

"Aw man, that's terrible. Is she gonna be okay?"

"We—we don't know." I thought of my son, and how we didn't know if he would be okay either, and the tears that pricked my eyes were very real. "We'll have to wait and see."

"I'm sorry." Ian looked at both of us. "Where's Tristan?"

"We—we left him with the neighbours. He seems too—young to see something like this. And there're all sorts of—diseases floating around a hospital..."

Ian nodded, buying my flimsy excuse without batting an eye. "If you come back to visit again, do you mind if I tag along? I'd like to talk to her in person, the poor kid."

My heart sank. Most certainly Ian couldn't accompany us on a visit to a phantom person. But that was something I could lie about later; for the moment I just shot him a weak smile. "Sure." Another thought hit me. "Hey, aren't you supposed to be visiting family?"

"My mom's got the flu," Ian said quickly. "She thinks it would be best if we all visited at another time."

I nodded. "Well..." I said awkwardly. All I really wanted was to get out of there, and quickly; I was terrified Ian would realize something else was up. "We—we should really get home and—and pick up Tristan. He doesn't like to be away from us for too long."

"I should probably get going, too. I have things to do." Ian gave Leilani a sad smile and waved shortly before turning and walking away.

For almost ten minutes, we were completely silent. "Why'd you lie to him?" Leilani asked at last.

I hesitated before answering. "Because I don't want them to have to deal with my problems, too." It was the simplest answer, and I used to believe it was the only one, but now I realized there were others.

Because I saw that look of pity in Ian's eyes, and I didn't want that pity turned on me. Because they could be sympathetic, but they'd never _understand_, because they didn't have what I did. Because somehow, speaking bad news only made it worse. Because I wanted to be strong enough to get through this on my own.

"You know, you don't have to handle everything on your own," Leilani said, as if she had read my thoughts. "You should tell them; they'd want to know. You know they'd be nothing but supportive." There was a brief silence as she waited for me to reply. When I didn't, she continued, "Have you at least told Jani?"

"No." Immediately, I felt guilty; Jani had been my best friend for years and we had long ago promised to be there for each other, through everything, no matter what. Even if I couldn't bring myself to tell my bandmates, I should tell him. "I'll call him later."

"Why don't you invite him over for dinner? I think you two probably have some catching up to do."

"Yeah. Yeah, I think I'll do that."

Leilani smiled over at me and I smiled back, a real genuine smile. Just knowing there was someone I could confide in, someone who wouldn't feel pity but would support me staunchly through it all, made me feel as if a giant weight had been lifted off my shoulders.

And maybe, after I told Jani, I could get around to telling everyone else. Leilani was right; they deserved to know.


	8. A Handgun Loaded with Excuses

I didn't know how I was going to get back into that hospital, nor did I have any reason to. It didn't matter. For the past week, she was the only thing running through my mind. I was finally able to forget all about the worries I had about being in debt. She was like being drunk; a way to temporarily wash your sorrows away. I realized my problems weren't going away anytime soon, but forgetting about them even for the smallest amount of time sure felt good.

As I walked up the road and into the parking lot of the children's hospital, I noticed a familiar black van parked out front. I turned around quickly and saw Mike and Leilani striding my way, their faces filled with confusion. I decided my best bet was to play it cool.

"Mike!" I called out. Mike looked absolutely distraught, but he managed to wave at me.

"What are you doing here?" he asked halfheartedly, coming to a halt in front of me.

"I was just walking by, and saw your car in the lot," I answered. I wasn't a very good liar, but neither was Mike. I figured that if I asked the questions, I'd look less guilty. "The better question is what are you doing here?" I continued.

"Our—our niece. She—she has—leukemia. We thought it would be nice to pay her a visit." He looked around anxiously. If he didn't look so goddamn upset, I'd think he was lying. However, I figured it was best not confront him. Besides, why would Mike of all people lie about his niece? Wait, did Mike even have a niece? I knew Mike had no siblings, but didn't Leilani have a sister or something?

"Aw man, that's terrible," I replied, sympathetically, drawing myself out of my thoughts. "Is she gonna be okay?"

"We—we don't know." He paused. "We'll have to wait and see."

"I'm sorry." I replied, wishing I could figure out what was really going on. I realized that Mike and Leilani were alone; their small son was nowhere to be seen. "Where's Tristan?"

"We—we left him with the neighbours. He seems too—young to see something like this. And there're all sorts of—diseases floating around a hospital..." Mike answered softly while subtly eyeing Leilani.

The perfect idea dawned on me. "If you come back to visit again, do you mind if I tag along? I'd like to talk to her in person, the poor kid."

This was absolutely perfect. That way, I'd have an excuse for the next time I came to the hospital. I could just imagine Lily's sympathetic eyes…

I shook my head. How could I be so selfish?

"Sure." Mike replied. I had almost completely forgotten I was talking to him. "Hey, aren't you supposed to be visiting family?"

"My mom's got the flu," I said, trying not to panic and feeding him the same excuse I'd given Matt. "She thinks it would be best if we all visited at another time."

Mike nodded, "well… we—we should really get home and—and pick up Tristan. He doesn't like to be away from us for too long."

"I should probably get going, too. I have things to do." I gave Leilani a sad smile and waved.

I started walking towards the hospital entrance, thrilled I managed to get by without owing them any real explanation as to why I'd come.

I walked down the horribly depressing white hallways, scanning the hospital for Lily. I tried to recall where I had last seen her.

"Oh, well look who's back," I heard a familiar voice call out.

I turned around and there she was, looking lovelier by the second.

"HEY!" I shouted, louder than intended. I pulled her to the side of the hall and spoke softer. "I've been looking for you."

"Very funny," she smirked, "I remember you were asking for an Ayley the last time you came, correct?"

"Oh, yeah," I laughed. "Funny story, see—"

"Poor thing," she cut me off, "I'm so terribly sorry, Ian. Here, I'll take you to him," she continued while walking towards the children's wing.

Suddenly, I became very confused. What was she talking about? But no words could escape my mouth. Instead, I simply stayed silent and followed her down a similar white hallway and into a huge room. The room was rather depressing, not because of the dull decoration, but the amount of small infants who all looked to be about Tristan's age—none of them were older than a year. They were all in small boxes, with glass walls rising up on all four sides. I felt sick looking at it.

"What's going on?" I finally managed to ask.

"Here he is," said Lily, pointing to one of the boxes at the back of the room. "I'll give you two some alone time." She gave me a sad smile as she walked away.

At first, all I saw was an infant who looked not unlike the rest of them: covered in tubes and looking completely helpless. I finally looked down at the name tag. My eyes began to water.

_Tristan Ayley._

A rush of emotions hit me like a tidal wave. I was confused, sad, and unbelievably angry that Mike didn't say one fucking thing about this to any of us. Or maybe he did tell the boys, he just forgot to tell me. Forgot the truth, and remembered to come up with some bogus story about a niece with cancer...

Even more infuriated, I marched out of the hospital and back through the parking lot, punching the air and yelling at nothing in particular.

"GODDAMMIT!" I shouted. A couple walking away with their newborn child stared in confusion.

Embarrassed, I continued to walk towards my apartment, my feet pounding against the pavement and my thoughts swirling. How could Mike do this to me? It's not as if he were lying about something small. This was huge. I couldn't even think straight. I contemplated calling Mike, before deciding against it. Even though he just told what could possibly be the biggest lie straight to my face, I didn't want to fight with him. I knew what I had to do.

I changed my direction and started walking towards the studio instead. Drumming always calmed me down and helped me sort my thoughts out. Half an hour of drum therapy and I'd be calm enough to call Mike. And then maybe he could tell me what was _really_wrong.

Luckily for me, the studio was completely empty. However, the second I entered, I was hit by an unfamiliar but horrible smell. It almost smelled a bit like catnip at first; however when the smell sank in for a bit, it reeked like a strong black coffee that had gone stale ages ago. I wasn't sure who the last person in here was, but I had a hunch it was Ramsay. Mostly considering the place was a mess, and there was a cigarette on the table right beside an odd looking plastic bag. I didn't even bother wondering what was in it.

I knew staying at the studio while smothered in that awful smell would bother me too much, so I decided to head home. I had a crappy drumset in my basement that made the walls shake, but the neighbours could deal.

Once I was just a few feet from my apartment entrance, a groggy, sinister voice called out from behind me.

"Hello, Casselman."

I turned around immediately and practically fainted at the sight in front of me. Cooper, Joey, Blake, and Keaton were almost perfectly lined up behind Eddie, who was a few steps in front of them. This wasn't good.

I looked down to see what Eddie was holding. Tears began forming in my eyes as I saw him reveal a 357 Magnum Revolver.

"I believe we have some business to take care of," Eddie said with a smirk.


	9. Leave it All Behind

For several hours, the TV proved to be an apt distraction. That was, until there was a knock at my door and I opened it to see Amanda standing there, looking distraught.

"Er, hi," I said awkwardly. It was obvious she was upset; tears had made her mascara smear and her eyes were still red. But I had no idea why she would come here, of all places. "Wanna come in?"

She entered wordlessly and sank down on my couch, staring blankly at the TV screen. After closing the door, I sat down next to her. She seemed unwilling to talk, but the silence was quickly growing awkward. "So...what's up?"

"I broke up with Josh." She said it so quietly that I almost didn't catch the words, and when I did I wasn't sure I had heard her correctly.

"_What_?" Amanda and Josh had been dating for years, but I was even more surprised that my suspicions about Josh had been correct. So I wasn't the only one who thought he'd been acting like a fucking douche lately.

Amanda nodded, hiding her face in her hands. "Well, I told him we should take a break...and then I just _left_ him there..." It became very obvious she was crying again.

Fuck. I sucked at dealing with things like this. Why was Amanda here? I was sure she had lots of girl friends who could console her a lot better than I could. Tentatively I reached out and patted her on the shoulder. "Uh..." What was I supposed to say? After a minute of floundering, I finally settled on something simple.

"I'm sorry." Amanda was silent and I wasn't entirely sure she had heard me, so I tried something else. "So, uh...what happened?"

Wiping her eyes with the back of her hands, Amanda looked at me. "Haven't you noticed how...different...he's been acting lately?" I didn't answer, but of course I had noticed. I just hadn't known that I wasn't the only one. "It started about a month ago. Suddenly he stopped returning my phone calls while you guys were touring, and he didn't talk to me for longer than five minutes at a time, and he always sounded like there was something more important on his mind. And then you guys came home, and he didn't even bother coming to see me; instead he decided to just take off somewhere for the night without letting me know.

"And then he called me a couple of hours ago, telling me to go to the studio without giving me _any_ explanation for his behaviour, and just as I got there I saw some other fucking girl driving away..." She was becoming angry, and took a deep, shuddering breath before continuing. "And then he lied to me. And then he played me a new song—"

Oh. I had a bad feeling about this. "What new song?"

"Sometimes the one you want is not the one you need," Amanda quoted to me.

Fuck, again.

"Has he shown that one to you yet?"

"Yeah. Uh...I helped him write it this morning."

Amanda's eyes flashed. "You _helped_ him?"

"Yeah, and...We got into a pretty big fight over it, actually." This conversation was quickly becoming too awkward for me, and I found myself looking anywhere but at Amanda. "I asked him if things were alright between the two of you."

"And?" Amanda's voice was like ice.

"He said they were."

"Well, they're not anymore."

For awhile we were silent, staring off in opposite directions. "Why'd you come here?" I asked suddenly.

"Because you're Josh's best friend. And if anyone knows what's wrong with him, it's you."

"I don't," I told her honestly. "Last time I asked, he told me to leave him the fuck alone."

"Don't you think we should try to find out?"

"I'm done with caring. It gives me a headache. Josh can take care of himself," I said. "And if he needs help, he can ask for it."

Amanda looked uncertain, biting her lip. "I just..."

"Let's just give him some space, okay? Maybe that's all he needs."

Maybe that's all everyone needed.

It was true that sometimes after a tour, we all stayed away from each other for a couple of days. So for the next week, I let all my bandmates have their space; instead, I caught up with my family and with some old friends.

A week should be long enough, right? The next Friday afternoon, I called Mike.

"Wanna come over and watch the Canucks game?" I asked when he picked up. "My fridge is stocked with beer and guacamole."

Mike didn't even chuckle at my lame attempt at a joke. "Uh...I can't tonight, Matt," he replied, and I was surprised at how tired he sounded. "I have other things going on."

Part of me considered asking what, but instead I let it slide. "Okay, that's fine," I said, trying not to sound disappointed. "Another time, then."

I tried calling Ian, both his cell and his house phone, but he didn't pick up. Ian seemed to be M.I.A lately; maybe he had finally gone to visit his family.

I didn't even consider calling Josh. He hated hockey, and everything that had to do with sports, and I hadn't spoken to him much in the past week either. Once he had called me down to the studio to lay down guitar on the song we'd written, and music had been the only thing we had talked about. I still wasn't sure what had happened between us, but I sure as hell wasn't going to bring it up. I didn't mention what had happened between him and Amanda either, and neither did he.

Everything felt so wrong lately. I couldn't help wanting to go back to the way things used to be between us, between all of us.

Jesus Christ, I sounded like a teenage girl.

I didn't really feel the urge to watch the hockey game anymore, especially not by myself; instead, I grabbed my keys and headed out of my apartment, to the lot out front where I parked my car.

There wasn't anywhere in particular I wanted to go, so I found myself driving aimlessly around the streets of Vancouver. The city seemed to be enclosing me, so I turned onto the highway. It wasn't until I turned onto a small, winding side road and brought my car to a stop next to a small copse of trees that I realized my subconscious mind must have led me here.

I hadn't been here in years, not since Josh and I had been teenagers. But still, everything about the place was totally familiar, and I found myself walking towards the trees. Just under their cover were the remains of what had once been a fort; Josh and I had built it years ago, thinking we could use it as a hideout.

Of course, after we had finished school, there was no one left for us to hide from anymore, and the hideout had been forgotten by both of us.

It was weird, coming back to a place so familiar after such a long time. I remembered what it used to look like, back when we would come here every afternoon to talk and dream about the future.

I couldn't stop a small smile from stealing over my face; little did we know that one day, those dreams would come true.


	10. I Will Show You Self Destruction

**Author's Note: I was just on vacation for a week, which is the reason for the slow update - Jackie had this written last Saturday, but I was unable to post it. Sorry! Anyway, we'll be back to our regular postings now :)  
><strong>

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><p>"You can't just agree to work with me and blow me off last minute!" Alexa yelled.<p>

"I know—I'm sorry. It's just—" I started to explain.

"Just what? You've been coming up with excuses for the past week," she stated sternly.

It was so weird seeing such a beautiful girl get mad. It was one of those things that made me feel extremely uneasy inside.

I paused while trying to come up with a good excuse.

"Fuck this," she yelled while storming out.

"Alexa, wait!" I called out. Surprisingly, she stopped in her tracks and turned around impatiently.

"What?"

"I—uhhh—" my voice drifted off as I stared into her remarkably blue eyes. Without thinking, I leaned over and kissed her.

Needless to say, she pulled back immediately. I waited patiently for her reaction.

"What was that?" she asked, her eyes wide with confusion.

"Sorry, impulse," I responded.

To my surprise, she smiled and leaned in again, reaching her arms around my head and leading me towards the room I'd been sleeping in due to the outcome of recent events. At first, I was exhilarated; but then, slightly disappointed. As wonderful as Alexa was, I wasn't sure I wanted to be making out with her, especially after everything that had just happened with Amanda.

The thought of Amanda made me stop instantly.

"What's wrong?" she asked, looking at me with wide eyes. How the fuck was I supposed to turn down such a pretty face?

"Nothing, it's just—" I started.

"Just… Amanda?" she asked with a smirk.

"How do you know about Amanda?"

"Bumped into her the other day," she explained while sitting back down on the couch, "gave me the stare of death." She laughed.

"Yeah but how do you know her name?"

"Dude, the entire Marianas Trench fan base knows her name," she laughed again, "seriously, have you even heard of Google?"

"I'm sorry…"

"Don't worry; I get it," she said while standing up. "Maybe it's best if I found someone else to help me out with this record."

"Don't be ridiculous," I rolled my eyes, "I can still help you…"

"Oh shut up, Josh," she retorted, "you and I both know that's not possible, given the circumstances."

"I'm sorry…"

"Stop apologizing!" she said while giving me a huge grin, "I'll be fine, don't worry!"

We started walking towards the door when suddenly, she turned around.

"Oh, and I'd quit if I were you," she said, eyeing the plastic bag on the table.

"What are you talking about?" I asked, suddenly panicked.

"You don't think I know the signs? Trust me, I was a heroin addict a few years back and it's no fucking fun," she explained.

I was completely silent.

"Just...do us all a favour and quit while you still can, okay?" she continued.

"I'll do my best…" my voice trailed off.

Alexa kissed me on the cheek and began walking towards her car.

"Drink lots of water!" she shouted from the parking lot. "It really helps, trust me!"

I waved goodbye and closed the door behind me. I felt a pang of sadness rush over me as I walked towards the plastic bag. She must've underestimated how far in I was; otherwise, she wouldn't have suggested such a stupid method of recovery. If Alexa was able to recognize the signs, then that could mean Matt might as well.

I shook the thought of Matt discovering my secret out of my head. There was no way I could see him, at least not for a really long time. I grabbed the plastic bag and headed out the door. However, just as I stepped into my car, I saw Mike's van pull in. As quick as I could, I slammed my foot on the accelerator and zoomed out of the parking lot, hopefully before Mike even noticed it was me.

Filled with relief, I decided I'd try and find the winding road where the remains of the fort Matt and I built were. As I was speeding past Ian's neighborhood, I slowed down by his apartment. A group of about five tall guys dressed in black appeared to be surrounding a familiar, scrawny figure. I immediately hit the brakes. My car screeched to a stop and I got out and walked over.

"HEY!" I shouted. Everyone stopped.

"What do you want, faggot?" said one of the guys, holding what I could make out to be a handgun. My heart started pounding, and I did my best to cover up my shock and fear.

"That's Josh Ramsay to you, asshole," I spat. "What the fuck is going on here?"

"Josh, get the fuck outta here right now," said Ian, a warning in his eyes.

"Awe, Ian. Is this your boyfriend?" laughed one of the guys.

"Look," I started walking towards the guys, "just tell me what the fuck is going on here and I'll handle it."

"Casselman here owes us money!" shouted another one of the guys.

"Doesn't know when to quit, does he?" laughed another.

I looked over at Ian in disbelief, slowly piecing it together. Since when did Ian get involved in gambling? And why hadn't he told any of us that it had gotten this bad? For some reason, I didn't even give a shit anymore. I didn't give a shit about anyone anymore. I didn't even know why I was helping him out.

"Alright," I tried to calm the guys down, "Ian will pay you back by the end of the week, okay?"

"Yeah, he fucking better," said the guy with the gun. The gang of guys started walking away, leaving just Ian staring at me with shock and gratefulness.

"Josh, I—" he started. I didn't need to hear this. All I fucking needed right now was a nice long hit.

"Yeah, whatever man," I said while walking towards my car. It looked like he was trying to say something, but I tuned him out completely. The faster I got to the winding road, the better.

The remains of the fort looked like they'd been tampered with, leaving me to believe someone had been there. But as usual, I couldn't bring myself to care about who might have been there. Without thinking twice, I sat down on the damp grass beside a large tree, and unravelled the plastic bag.

Just as I was taking out my lighter, I completely froze. Maybe Alexa was right. I'd already gone down this path. I knew what it was like to be sober, and it felt fucking amazing.

I shook the stupidity out of my head. She didn't understand, nobody understood. Even if I wanted to stop, I wouldn't. This was the only thing that kept my head somewhere else. It prevented me from thinking about Amanda, or any painful memories for that matter. I don't know what caused me to stop taking my depression medication; it just sort of happened one day. After countless weeks of returning to bad habits such as throwing up and cutting, I finally remembered a more effective way out. Heroin helped me put my head in a far better place. It was a soothing kind of self-destruction.

I leaned back on the tree I was sitting near and inhaled as deep as I could... Before I knew it, everything went black—just as I liked it.


	11. Soulmates

"Wait! Josh!" I called out, "Josh, where are you going? What the fuck!"

Unfortunately, Josh drove away without acknowledging me for even a second. I sat down on the curb, trying to process the events of the last half hour. It all happened so quickly. I knew I had to figure out a way to fix this, but it was absolutely impossible for me to think straight.

I decided I'd take a brisk walk to clear my mind. I could call Josh and ask him where he went, but I figured his phone would be off. I could call Mike and ask him to help me out, but Mike was pissing me off more than anything at the moment. I didn't know what to do with my life anymore. Without money, how the hell was I supposed to tour?

The thought of Marianas ending for me jerked my tear ducts. I couldn't remember the last time I'd cried, nor did I really want to. It began to snow as I sat down on a bench at the park I used to come to when I was a kid. I still remember my dad helping me conquer the monkey bars. I missed my dad. I missed being a kid. I missed when everything was simple; when the biggest decision I had to make was what to eat for dinner that day.

The thought of how quickly my life was passing by began to scare me. I couldn't believe I'd gotten myself into this mess. Maybe the world would be a better place without me. Marianas Trench without Ian wouldn't be so bad, would it? Josh can play drums. Fuck, Josh can do anything. As much as that kid pissed me off at times, I seriously wished I were him. For once, I'd love for my life to be as perfect as his: constantly in the spotlight, adored by millions, and never once would I have to worry about being in debt.

"Ian?" I heard a voice call out from behind me.

I turned around suddenly, only to see Lily standing there, tugging on a leash. I looked down to see the most adorable Westie, barking at the oak tree right beside me. I wanted to talk to her now more than ever, only I didn't feel like I was worthy of her time, especially considering the circumstances.

"Hey," I replied with a sad excuse for a smile. I quickly turned away and began fidgeting with my jacket to make it look as though I was busy.

"Shrimpi, come!" she shouted. The puppy almost instantly jumped into her arms. She strolled over to the bench and sat down right beside me.

"You okay?" she asked genuinely.

I turned to look at the dog and smiled. "You named your dog Shrimpi?"

She nodded and laughed.

"Why?" I asked.

"I don't know. I guess because she's tiny, and I fucking love shrimp," she explained. "Is that weird?"

"Not at all!" I exclaimed. "In fact, I had the funniest encounter with shrimp a couple years ago."

"Oh really?" she inquired.

"Yeah, the band and I went to L.A. to record some of our new music—" I began explaining.

"Band?" she interrupted.

"Oh, yeah," I laughed, "I probably should've mentioned that sooner. I'm the drummer for Marianas Trench."

"You're kidding!"

"Not at all," I laughed.

I don't remember how much time we spent talking, but it felt as though time just flew by. I told her about all kinds of crazy experiences I went through with the boys, and she told me most of her life story. I don't think there was a topic we didn't cover. It was incredible how comfortable I felt talking to her. Especially considering the fact that the first time I talked to her, I completely choked up.

"So, are you gonna tell me why you look so sad, or am I gonna have to guess?" she finally asked.

"You really don't wanna hear about it," I sighed.

"Uhhh, yes I really do," she persisted.

I sighed again. "Promise you won't judge me?"

"Dude, you gave me a detailed description about how you ate forty pieces of shrimp, two pieces of cod and an entire pie. You think I'm gonna judge you after that?" she laughed.

"Okay, okay," I began explaining, "I won't go into very much detail, but basically, a few months ago, I was out with some of my guy friends and we began to play poker."

"And you lost a lot of money on your first try, became addicted, and now you're in serious debt?" she finished my sentence with a knowing look on her face.

"Yeah," I replied slowly, confused about how she read my mind like that, "how'd you know?" I asked.

"My brother had a gambling problem a few years ago. He even got himself into trouble with a group of guys. One of them shot him right in the stomach," she explained as tears filled her eyes.

"I'm so sorry, is he okay?" I asked.

"He passed away about an hour after the incident," she looked away.

I sat in silence. I didn't know what to say. I was usually pretty good at comforting people, but I had never been in a situation like this.

"I—I'm so incredibly sorry—" I started.

"Look, I don't wanna see someone else I care about go through the same things my brother did," she said while looking at me straight in the eye. "Has anyone been giving you trouble?"

It took me a while to process my thoughts, "This afternoon—some guys came up to me and—"

"Okay," she interrupted for what felt like the thousandth time, "did you get rid of them for now?"

"Yeah, but I gotta pay them back by the end of the week," I explained.

"Alright, how much do you owe them?" she asked.

"About 15K…" my voice trailed off.

"Holy shit," she exclaimed as her eyes grew wider, "I was gonna offer you some money, but not even I have that much."

"It's alright," I lied.

"No, it's not. Is there anyone else who can lend you money?" she asked.

I knew Mike was extremely good at managing his money and probably had a shit ton saved up. I'm sure if I asked him, Josh and even Matt to pitch in, I could pay Eddie back. But I just didn't have the heart to ask them, especially considering the circumstances.

"Nope," I replied.

"Are you sure?" she asked knowingly.

Without thinking, I dove right into the story about the reasoning behind why I wasn't speaking to Mike.

"I know this will be hard to hear, but you gotta call Mike. I can kinda understand why he wouldn't wanna tell you about his son," she said.

I wanted so badly to argue, but I knew she was right. Besides, I knew it would be best to take someone else's advice, considering I couldn't figure things out on my own.

"Alright, I'll go home and do that right now," I replied.

She smiled while standing up. "Good!"

I stood up awkwardly after her. An excruciatingly long silence drew between the two of us. I stared into her eyes, completely entranced. I wanted to see her again, but wasn't quite sure how to ask.

"Well, I better get going," she said as she began to slowly walk away, "Come on, Shrimpi! Let's go home!" She yanked the leash and waved goodbye.

I waved back and watched her walk across the park. Suddenly, I felt a rush of adrenaline shoot through my body.

"DO YOU WANNA HAVE DINNER SOME TIME?" I yelled across the park. I immediately sank down in my jacket, hoping she didn't hear me.

She turned around and smiled, "Moxie's, tomorrow at 7?"

My heart began beating faster than ever. "It's a date!" I laughed as I waved goodbye.

It was official; Lily was the one and only person who could make me feel better. My life made perfect sense when I was around her. She made me feel like I was worth something. And the fact that I had a date with her tomorrow evening had me both dumbfounded and excited.

The second I got back to my apartment, I picked up my phone.

"Hey Mike, we need to talk."


	12. Confrontations

**Author's Note: As one of my friends who lives near Vancouver reminded me while reading this story, the geography isn't quite accurate. Neither Jackie nor I live in or anywhere near Vancouver, and I've only been there once, about 7 years ago. So...please ignore any inconsistencies.**

**In the way of inconsistencies, several other things in this story don't fit in with real life. Even the timing doesn't quite match up. So, just ignore anything like that that you see, please, and just enjoy the story.  
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><p>Maybe I wasn't quite ready to confide in my bandmates, but I did feel bad about the way I'd been ignoring them for the past week. Instead of heading straight home after the hospital, I took a detour to the studio, which was only a couple of blocks away. Usually one of the boys could be found there; however, the parking lot was empty except for a car that looked suspiciously liked Josh's that zoomed out just as I pulled in.<p>

"I'll try to catch one of them tomorrow," I told Leilani, hiding my relief at not having to confront anyone today. Of course, I still had every intention of upholding my promise of calling Jani, and as soon as we got home I did just that.

"Mike!" he exclaimed as he picked up, sounding a little surprised. "What's up, man?"

"Not much," I told him, untruthfully. "Leilani was wondering if you'd like to come over for dinner tonight. We could catch up."

"It's been awhile," Jani agreed. "I'll be over soon."

I was nervous at the prospect of talking to him, telling him the truth, although I knew I shouldn't be—long ago, Jani and I had promised to be there for each other through everything. But how was I going to explain why I'd hidden this from everyone for almost two months? Just the thought of that made me feel ashamed.

As a result, as the afternoon wore on I grew increasingly high-strung and anxious, to the point where I literally jumped when the phone rang. Seeing that it was just Matt, I sighed and picked it up.

"Wanna come over and watch the Canucks game?" he asked, sounding hopeful and a little nervous. "My fridge is stocked with beer and guacamole." My stomach twisted at his attempt at humour; I felt bad for avoiding him lately. Soon, there'd be no reason for all these lies and secrecy.

"Uh...I can't tonight, Matt," I said wearily. "I have other things going on." That, at least, was true enough.

"Okay, that's fine," Matt said, sounding faintly disappointed. "Another time, then."

"Of course," I tried to say, but the dialtone was already buzzing in my ear. The fact that he had hung up on me told me more than anything that Matt was a little pissed. I couldn't help but understand why.

Not long after, Jani arrived. Leilani gave my hand a reassuring squeeze before I went to open the door.

"Hey," I said, giving him a smile that felt far from real.

Jani, of course, noticed immediately. "Is something wrong?"

"I—" I paused to take a deep breath. "I guess you could say that. But come in." I led him into the living room and waited until he'd taken a seat upon the couch. "Can I get you a drink?" I asked, knowing perfectly well that I was stalling for time.

"I'm fine," Jani said. "Take a seat, Mike. Tell me what's up."

Jani always had been able to see through me better than anyone else. I sighed and sat down next to him. But I couldn't meet his eyes; instead I stared at the floor and fiddled with the ring on my left hand. "Tristan's sick."

"I'd noticed that the little tyke wasn't with you when I came in." Jani's tone was light-hearted, and I knew he hadn't gotten the main point of what I was trying to say. "Is that all?"

I took another deep breath, trying to steady myself. "No—he's really sick. He's in the hospital."

There was a sharp intake of breath. "What happened?"

"Several months ago, he fell down the stairs and landed in a bad way, I guess. I'm not sure; I wasn't there." I _should_ have been there. Any good father would have been there for his child. "He's been in a coma ever since."

There was a brief silence as Jani processed this information. "Why didn't you tell me?" His voice was soft enough to bring me to look up at him.

"I—I don't know." Suddenly, all the excuses I had been making for the past months seemed flimsy and unreliable. "I didn't like to admit it had happened, I guess. I didn't want the others to worry."

"You should know better than that." Jani held up his forearm, so I could clearly see the words written there in black ink, the promise we had made to each other: _no matter what_. I had the same words tattooed on my own arm.

"I know. I'm sorry." And I was sorry, but I also felt infinitely better, as if I had just released a small piece of the burden that had been weighing me down.

"Have you told the others yet?"

"No. But I will. Soon." The prospect of telling the truth wasn't nearly as frightening as it had been only half an hour before. I paused before adding, "Thanks for understanding."

"It's what I'm here for," he said, clapping me on the back. "Do you want me to come with you next time you visit him?"

"Only if you want to. But I think that'd be nice."

Leilani, who might have been listening just outside the door, suddenly bustled into the room. "Can I get you men anything?" she asked, over-brightly.

"Just a water, please," Jani said.

"And some snacks," Leilani added decisively.

I rose to help her, but she gestured me to sit back down. "I'll get it," she said. "I'm sure you guys have lots of catching up to do."

We did; I turned on the Canucks game and we watched it while swapping stories about what had happened over the past months since we had last seen each other. It was nice not having to hide anything from someone, and I could feel myself relaxing.

We had an early supper, and I was just clearing away my plate when the phone rang again. My eyebrows rose at seeing Ian's name on the caller ID, thinking of our encounter earlier than day, and I answered it hesitantly.

"Hello?"

"Hey, Mike," he said. "We need to talk."

My heart started to beat just a little faster. Was this about the hospital? Had Ian found out I was lying? I had to admit, it couldn't have been that difficult for him—I was a terrible liar. "Sure," I answered glibly. "About what?"

Ian hesitated. "Can I come over?" he asked. I slanted my eyes over and Leilani and Jani, who were talking over the table still. But there was an urgent tone to Ian's voice that made it difficult for me to deny him.

"Of course," I said, before hanging up. "Ian's coming over," I said in response to Jani's and Leilani's questioning looks. "He said he needs to talk to me about something."

"Do you want me to leave?" Jani asked, half-rising from his seat.

"No, that's fine," I said. "I'm sure it's not that important." Of course, if Ian was coming over to confront me, I could use Jani's support.

It didn't take long for Ian to arrive, and I opened the door before he could ring the bell. "I—oh," he said upon seeing Jani. "Mike, could you come outside for a second? I need to talk to you alone."

"Sure," I said, following him down the step and closing the door gently behind me. "What's up?"

Ian hesitated, appearing unsure of how to begin. "I saw Tristan," he said, not looking at me. "Earlier this afternoon. He wasn't quite what I expected to see, after you told me your niece had leukemia." His voice was even, but there was an undercurrent of anger that I could sense.

"I'm sorry," I said lamely, not sure how to go about apologizing. Guilt was twisting in my gut; I should have known something like this would happen eventually.

"It's funny, I always thought you were the most honest of all of us," Ian said, now looking me directly in the eye. His anger was definitely more palpable now. "It makes me wonder what else you've been hiding from us."

"Nothing!" I exclaimed, but Ian appeared not to hear me; he was in full rant mode now.

"It would be nice to _know_ what was going on with my fucking bandmates sometimes, instead of being the one always left in the dark. It'd be _nice_ to know I'm not the only one with a fucked up life—"

"What are you talking about?" I asked, completely lost. "Your life's fine—"

"Compared to mine, your life is practically fucking _perfect_," Ian spat at me.

I could feel my temper rapidly rising. "My son's in the fucking hospital!" I shouted at him.

"At least you have a son!" Ian shouted back with equal force. "And a wife, and you know that _someone_ out there loves you..."

I stared at him, completely at a loss. Tiredly, Ian passed his hands in front of his eyes and seemed to compose himself.

"Look, that's not what I came here to say," he said honestly. "It just sorta slipped out..." He looked directly at me again, but this time all the anger had gone out of his eyes. "I fucked up, Mike."

I waited for him to explain himself. This entire conversation was way too confusing.

Ian sighed, and then the whole story seemed to slip from him. "A couple of months ago, before we left on tour, I went out gambling with some friends. And I got in too deep, and they've been hounding me ever since, and...I don't have the money to pay them back."

Comprehension dawned on me. "Have you told the others yet?"

"Josh knows. Well, sort of. He took off before I could completely explain myself."

"Why didn't you tell us before?"

"You're one to speak," Ian shot at me.

I deserved that. At least now I knew why Ian had come to me. "How much do you need?"

Ian hesitated before saying, "About 15k."

"Holy shit." I whistled low under my breath; Ian had gotten farther in than I had ever imagined.

"I know. I hate to ask, but...do you think you could help me out?"

"Of course," I said instantly. "I can't give you all of it, but I'm sure Josh and Matt would be willing to help if you told them what was going on."

A small smile appeared on Ian's face. "You're probably right."


	13. Every Memory Comes On

I didn't stay long at our old fort. It was growing cold, and I thought that if I hurried home I could still catch the Canucks game. The memories that being at the hideout recalled made me feel much better; the guys and I had been to hell and back before, and surely whatever was going on now would pass quickly.

If there _was_ anything going on—I still wasn't sure I hadn't made it all up. Either way, I felt much better as I drove my car down the road and back onto the highway, shamelessly singing along to the radio.

Until my car started to slow down and eventually spluttered to a stop. "What..." I trailed off as my eyes landed on my gas gauge; the arrow was most definitely pointing to empty. "_Fuck_."

I slammed my head on the steering wheel, cursing my own stupidity. It was three o'clock on a Friday afternoon, there was no gas station around for miles, and obviously I would have to call someone to come help me because I'd been too fucking stupid to check the gas meter before driving all over the province and back.

Sighing, I pulled out my phone, trying to decide who I should call. Mike had already told me he had plans for the night; Ian still wasn't picking up, at his house or on his cell. Josh's cell was also off—why did it seem so difficult to get in contact with people lately?—and before I remembered that Amanda had broken up with him and they no longer lived together, I had called his apartment.

"Hello?" Amanda answered the phone, sounding faintly surprised.

"Amanda? Oh. Uh...fuck."

"What?"

"I...I was looking for Josh, actually."

"Oh." Her voice was suddenly much colder. "Last time I checked, he didn't live here anymore."

"I know. I just...forget it." I was just about to hang up when I realized Amanda was just as capable of helping me out as anyone else. "Actually, wait. Amanda, could you do me a favour?"

"Depends what it is."

"I ran out of gas on the highway. There's no station around for miles."

She sighed. "Smooth move, Matthew. Yeah, I guess I can give you a hand. Where are you?"

I gave her the best directions I could manage. "Just...drive straight," I finished. "You'll run into me soon enough."

While I waited for her to show up, I turned the radio up again, fiddling with the tuner until I found an older station. Within seconds, a familiar tune was filling my car:

"_Good, good, good, good vibrations..."_

"Oh my God." I almost laughed aloud. Years ago, Josh and I had gone to the Beach Boys concert when they were in Vancouver together, as they were one of the few bands we both idolized. This song had been our anthem for several summers, and it wasn't that long ago that our band had been covering this song on a regular basis.

It had a lot of memories associated with it, and I hummed along as it played, singing the parts I was assigned when the band sang it. Several minutes later the song came to an end, but it continued to play in my head as I remembered how Josh had jokingly serenaded Amanda with it when they first met and the way Ian's voice had cracked horribly the first time we played it together.

Almost half an hour later, Amanda finally arrived, pulling a careful U-turn across the empty lanes of the highway and parking behind me.

"I can't believe you actually ran out of gas," she laughed, standing outside my car window with a red gas can in her hand.

"Shut up," I grumbled as I opened my door, getting out of the car and taking the can from her. "It's never happened before, I swear."

"Oh, really?" She raised her eyebrows at me. "For some reason I find that hard to believe."

She was right; there had been one other occasion where I had run out of gas, and I knew Amanda knew about it because she had been there. But we had been teenagers and more focused on getting to a party than filling up the tank. "Right. But not since then."

There was an awkward silence as I poured the gas she had given me into the tank. "Have—have you heard from Josh recently?" she asked me quietly when I was just about done.

I didn't look up from what I was doing. "Uh, no. I mean, we were in the studio together on Wednesday, but that's about it."

"Did he...talk about anything?" I knew she was referring to what had happened between them.

"No. But Amanda," I added hurriedly, "we're guys. We don't talk about stuff like that." And it's not like I was going to _ask_ him.

"I guess." She was silent again as I finished filling up the tank.

"Thanks," I said, holding out the empty can. "You're a lifesaver."

She made no move to take it from me, and it took me a moment to realize she was crying softly. Oh. I cleared my throat awkwardly.

"...Are you okay?" I managed to ask, feeling like I should say something.

"I'm worried about him," she said quietly after a moment. Her face was turned away from me. "I know I shouldn't be, especially after breaking up with him and everything, but I can't help but feel like something's wrong. Do you know what I mean?"

"Sorta," I said noncommittally. I _had_ noticed something off about Josh in the little I had seen of him the past week, but he was old enough to figure out his own shit.

"And I miss him." Her voice was even softer now. "It feels so weird, living in the apartment alone, especially when we bought it together—" She broke off, sniffing, and I sighed internally. Why couldn't Amanda ever break down in front of her girlfriends? They could handle this much better than me. "I'm lonely," she finished, so quietly that I could hardly hear her.

"I'm sorry," I offered, as sincerely as I could.

The next moment, her arms were around me and her head was on my shoulder and I could feel her tears wet on my neck. She was crying harder now and, not knowing what to do, I patted her on the back and waited patiently until she pulled away.

"Thanks, Matt," she said, wiping at her eyes. "You always listen."

"It's about all I'm good for," I joked weakly, and she laughed shakily.

"You're sweet." And just as suddenly as she had hugged me, she leaned forward and kissed me on the cheek.

"Uh." My brain had shut down and I stood, staring stupidly at her. What the hell had _that_ been for? And I thought the hug had been something of a surprise.

"I'll see you later," she said, walking back to her car and not seeming to notice the way I had frozen. "And don't worry about paying me back for the gas."

"Cool. Thanks," I said as she opened the door and got into the car. I saw her pull sunglasses down over her reddened eyes, even though it was cloudy out, before driving away.

Slowly, I made my way back to my own car. The gas meter now read just over half a tank, well more than enough to get me home. As I drove, it started to snow, and by the time I pulled into the parking lot it was coming down thick and fast.

It was just after four, and I grinned to myself; I hadn't missed any of the hockey game after all. I flicked it on as I got myself a drink and settled on the couch, pushing thoughts of what had happened in the past hour out of my head—it was stupid that I was thinking about it at all.

But I couldn't stop remembering the broken way Amanda had said she was lonely, and soon I found myself picking up my phone and dialling her number.

"Hey, Amanda? I was wondering if you'd like to come over for dinner tonight. It's nothing special, just pizza—" I felt almost guilty for asking, especially after what had happened (what was I talking about? Nothing had happened), and after all, I had a girlfriend of my own, who wouldn't be exactly happy to learn that I was eating alone with another girl. But Jess was out of town and Amanda was my friend, and if she needed me to be there for her, I supposed I could try to do that.

"Sure!" she said, but there was something in her voice that made me suspect she had been crying again. "I'll be right over."

Pizza had become something of a Friday night tradition for me, and we ended up splitting one that was half pepperoni and half cheese, as Amanda was a vegetarian. It wasn't as awkward as I thought it might be, and we spent much of the evening reminiscing about things that had happened in the eight or nine years we had known each other. Amanda didn't cry at all, for which I was grateful.

At 7:30 the phone rang, interrupting a story about Josh's twenty-first birthday that had us both in fits of laughter.

"Hello?"

"Matt?" To my surprise, it was Ian. "Do you think you could be at the studio? Soon? I want to have a band meeting."

"Sure. What for?"

"I..." I thought Ian sounded nervous. "I'll tell you when we're all together. But it's important."

"I'll be right over. Do the others know?"

"Mike does. I couldn't contact Josh, though."

"I haven't been able to get a hold of him lately, either," I said thoughtfully. "But he might already be there; he's been practically living at the studio." Out of the corner of my eye I saw Amanda wince, and I smiled apologetically at her.

"Well, whether he's there or not, I need to talk to you tonight."

"I have to go," I said to Amanda after hanging up. "Emergency band meeting."

"What for?" she asked, rising from her seat.

"I have no idea. I'm sure I'll find out, though." I pulled on my coat—the studio was close enough that I could walk to it—before showing her out the door.

"Thanks for having me over. It was...nice."

"Er...no problem. Anytime, alright?"

She laughed. "I might take you up on that." We stood there awkwardly for a second before she hugged me again—although at least this time, she wasn't crying. Quickly, she released me and, without further goodbye, turned and began walking down the hallway.

I made sure to give her enough time to get in her car and drive away before I followed after her.

* * *

><p><strong>Review? :)<strong>


	14. Meeting

Moments after calling Matt, Mike and I arrived at the studio together. To our surprise, Josh was nowhere to be found.

"That's weird," I told Mike as I turned on the lights in the recording room. "Where else would he be?"

"I dunno," Mike shrugged, "he's probably out being Josh."

I tried to chuckle at Mike's attempt to lighten the mood, but it just wasn't the same. Josh had been acting quite unusual lately, even for Josh. I couldn't help but wonder why, but I was far too afraid to ask.

"So what's the big emergency?" asked Matt as he entered through the front door. I hadn't seen him in what felt like forever, and it looked as though he hadn't slept in days.

I looked at Mike anxiously. "Should we wait for Josh?"

Mike pondered the thought for a couple seconds before turning towards his band mate. "Take a seat, Matt."

The three of us made our way to the couch in the recording room. I noticed the same plastic bag I saw earlier that day, sitting on the same table. The rest of the guys followed where I was looking and a look of terror sprung on Matt's face.

"You okay, man?" asked Mike.

Matt shook his head vigorously. "Yeah sorry, I'm fine. So what's going on?"

"We—we haven't been completely honest with you," I started.

"What do you mean?"

Without hesitation, I dove into my story, not missing a single detail. The one thing I loved about Matt was that he was an amazing listener.

"…and then Josh just took off without even saying a word," I finished.

"Is that all?" Matt inquired, sounding a little hurt.

"Not quite…" Mike jumped in.

Surprisingly, Matt's face stayed completely neutral throughout Mike's entire story. Then again, it's Matt; I can't remember the last time he showed any emotion.

As Mike finished, Matt let out a huge sigh. "Well—that's quite a lot of news for one guy to handle." It was hard to tell if he was being sarcastic or not.

"We're really sorry we didn't tell you," Mike replied, "it's just—"

"WHAT THE FUCK ARE ALL OF YOU DOING IN HERE?" I heard a raspy voice scream. The three of us turned around to see Josh standing in the doorway. I looked over to see Matt's jaw almost drop when he saw him, which made me slightly confused. Sure Josh looked tired, pale, and as though he dropped about fifteen pounds, but I didn't think it was that big of a deal. I began to wonder whether Matt knew something we didn't.

The entire band fell silent. "THOUGHT YOU WERE GONNA HAVE A BAND MEETING WITHOUT ME, EH?" Josh continued.

"I tried to get a hold of you," Matt said as he sprung out of his seat.

"Sorry man," Josh chuckled sarcastically, "I was too busy saving this fucker from getting shot in the face." He pointed directly at me.

"Well, where's your phone?" Matt asked.

"What the fuck are you doing here?" Josh changed the subject and looked at Mike.

"Tristan's in the hospital," Mike sighed.

"Well that doesn't really answer my question, does it?" Josh chuckled while looking slightly off-balance. Mike looked away and I gave Josh a disgusted look. How could he be so fucking insensitive?

Reading my mind, Matt turned back to Josh, "What the fuck is wrong with you?"

Josh began eying the plastic bag on the table. "Well let's fucking see," he said, his words oozing sarcasm, "Amanda dumped me, my entire band is having meetings without me…" Josh's voice trailed off. He began walking towards the plastic bag.

"Amanda dumped you?" I asked. How did I not know this?

"Oh you didn't hear?" Josh said while putting the plastic bag in his pocket. Matt eyed him suspiciously. "I would've thought that fucking whiny ass cunt told you already."

I looked over to Matt only to see him completely fuming with anger. "Say that again, asshole," he said as he slowly began walking over to Josh.

"Whoa, slow down there pretty boy," Josh giggled, "I said she's a whiny ass cunt. Bitch thinks she can control my life or something."

"DON'T FUCKING TALK ABOUT HER LIKE THAT!" Matt shouted. Mike and I froze and looked at each other with wide eyes. I'd seen Matt get mad before, but never like this. What the fuck was going on?

"What's it to you?" Josh jeered.

"She doesn't deserve you, Josh," Matt said, his voice low with anger.

"Oh, and what? She deserves you?" Josh chuckled, "Got a little crush on my ex, Matty?"

Matt took a few steps forward and looked at Josh straight in the eyes. "What the fuck happened to you?"

Josh pushed Matt to the side and began walking out the door.

"YOU CAN'T JUST LEAVE!" Matt yelled as he followed Josh into the parking lot. Mike and I looked at each other and hurried towards the front door.

"Watch me." Josh continued walking towards his car as he raised his middle finger high up in the air.

"JOSHUA RAMSAY, GET BACK HERE RIGHT NOW!" screamed Matt. Mike and I took a few steps back. Matt was beginning to scare the shit out of me.

Surprisingly, Josh turned around and began to briskly walk towards the front door where Matt was standing. "WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU WANT FROM ME? YOU THINK I'M GONNA STICK AROUND WHEN MY BANDMATES ARE HAVING A MEETING WITHOUT ME? WHEN MY BEST FRIEND CHOOSES MY EX OVER ME? JUST FUCK OFF!"

"What the hell is going on here?" I heard a female voice call out. I peeked out the door and saw a beautiful girl with long red hair that reached practically down to her hips.

"Get outta here, Alexa," Josh responded, sounding surprisingly calm.

"Alexa?" Mike muttered under his breath as he looked at me. I shrugged.

"Who's she?" Matt asked, looking more and more infuriated and confused.

"Don't worry about it," Josh responded while eying the gorgeous redhead.

"I just dropped by to see how you're doing," she said cautiously.

"I'm fine," Josh responded with a sarcastic smile, "can't you tell?"

"Are you sure?" she responded with a worried tone in her voice, "You look pale. I thought I told you to quit."

Sheer panic drew upon Josh's face. "And I thought I told you to never fucking talk to me anymore."

Alexa suddenly looked as though she were about to cry. "I'm sorry, what?"

Unexpectedly, the entire parking lot fell completely silent. Mike was looking at his shoes, Matt was looking at Josh with immense concern, Josh was looking at Alexa as if he were going to strangle the poor girl, and Alexa looked back at him with absolute confusion.

"What's she talking about?" Matt finally broke the silence.

It looked as though Alexa finally clued in on something and began backing away slowly. "I should go."

"Yeah, you should," Josh continued to stare at her with piercing eyes.

"See ya, Ramsay…" her voice trailed off as she began walking towards her car.

As the sound of her Volkswagen speeding off into the distance grew smaller, the three of us stood there staring at Josh with utter fear and confusion. Maybe I was completely stupid, but I still couldn't piece together what was going on with him. I knew I had to step in and try to fix this, but I couldn't even come up with the right words.

"Fuck this," Josh finally said, walking away.

"Josh, wait!" I called out weakly, but Josh continued walking.

Matt stepped back inside and closed the door before letting out a huge sigh and leaning against the wall.

"So do you have any idea what's up with him?" I asked Matt. I knew that if anything was wrong with Josh, Matt would be able to piece it together faster than we could. They had known each other since high school, after all.

"I have a hunch, but you're not gonna like it…" Matt replied.

"What is it?" Mike asked.

"I dunno, he's just acting a lot like he did when we were sixteen." Matt looked away.

"You don't think—" I stopped before I made a stupid assumption. If I wasn't mistaken, sixteen was the age Josh began his heroin addiction. But then again, I could be wrong. If there was one thing I did know, it was Josh. I was sure he wouldn't allow himself to go down that path again. He was smarter than that.

Matt looked up and noticed my confusion. "No," he read my mind, "he's smarter than that. He's probably just really tired. His insomnia was really bad when we were that age and he got pretty cranky."

Matt was a pretty good liar, so it was hard to tell if he was telling the truth or not. Nonetheless, we all agreed not to get too worried about it. After all, we still had our own issues to resolve. Mike was obviously worried sick about his son, and I still needed to come up with $15K. To worry about Josh was useless and would get us nowhere. We were sure Josh would snap out of it; he always did.


	15. Just Friends

I was still fuming as I made my way home, my breath frosting on the cool night air. I couldn't remember ever being so angry before, and I knew I had frightened Mike and Ian with my uncharacteristic shouting. I rarely lost my temper like that, and there was only one other time when Josh had been at the receiving end.

I shied away from the memory, and the thought that was associated with it: Josh _couldn't_ be that stupid. He wasn't a genius, but even _he_ had to know—

I stopped myself, taking a deep, shuddering breath to calm myself down. As usual, I was probably reading too much into it (I stopped myself from thinking that, in the end, I had been right about something going on with Mike and Ian).

The thought of my two other bandmates distracted me. Yeah, I was a little upset that they hadn't told me sooner, but I understood why they hadn't. Mike was afraid and Ian was ashamed, and I had forgiven them for keeping secrets the second the truth was out in the open. Josh, on the other hand...

Anger surged up within me again, and I stamped my feet down harder on the sidewalk. Who the fuck did he think he was, barging in like that, screaming at us for excluding him when he knew perfectly well he'd been the one who was distant? Where the fuck did he get off, talking about Amanda like that?

Josh had loved Amanda, and I knew he probably loved her still; perhaps that explained his harsh words, but it didn't stop him from being a fucking douchebag. And I _saw_ the way he was looking at that other girl, the girl none of us had known about before that moment.

Luckily, before my thoughts could get any uglier than they already were, I had already arrived at my apartment building. I stormed up the stairs, hardly paying attention to where I was going, which was why I was halfway down the corridor before I saw her, curled up into a ball outside my door.

"Amanda?" I asked cautiously, approaching her. She looked up at the sound of my voice, and I saw that her face was streaked with tears.

"H-hi," she said shakily. "I was waiting for you to come back."

"Oh, well..." I held my arms out lamely. "I'm here."

She sniffed before taking the hand I offered her and allowing me to pull her to her feet. "I'm sorry," she said. "I've probably been bothering you, and I tried to go home, it's just—"

"You haven't been bothering me," I told her sincerely—although all the tears were starting to freak me out. "Do you want to come inside?"

"Thanks," she said as I unlocked the door and opened it for her. "I really am sorry about this."

"Don't worry about it." I led her over to the couch and sank down beside her. I couldn't help but notice that tears were still leaking down her cheeks, although she was no longer sobbing. The next words came out of my mouth before I had the chance to think about them. "He doesn't deserve your tears, you know. He's a fucking idiot." This last was said with such vehemence that Amanda looked up at me in shock.

"What—?" Her eyes narrowed as she pieced something together. "Did something happen, at your meeting?"

I just shook my head. Nothing I could say about Josh would make Amanda feel any better. "Forget it. Just know he isn't worth it."

"He is to me." She said this so quietly that I almost didn't hear her, and for some reason the words made something twist strangely in my stomach.

"Look, if you don't think you can go home tonight...you're welcome to stay here." Once again, I spoke without thinking, and before I could take the words back, Amanda was nodding.

"If you're sure that's okay."

Was it? I knew that if Jessica found out, she would be furious that I had allowed Amanda to sleep over—but it wasn't like anything was going to happen. And Amanda obviously needed my help right now, and Jess never had to know. "Of course it's okay."

"Thanks, again," she said earnestly, leaning over to hug me; by this point I was becoming more accustomed to them and managed to hug her back. "You're a good friend, Matt."

I shot her a crooked smile, trying to ease the mood. "So I've been told."

But did good friends scream at their best friends, and then invite said friend's ex to stay the night? I shook the thought from my head. _Josh _was the one who had fucked up and not been a good friend, not me.

My attempted humour seemed to work, as Amanda let out a small laugh. "No, really," she said. "I'm glad I can depend on you to be there for me."

For some reason, these words caused me to swallow hard. I became suddenly aware of how close I was sitting to Amanda on the couch, and stood up abruptly. "Can I get you anything?"

"Just water, please," she said, a small frown on her face. I retrieved one for her from the kitchen and handed it to her before sitting back down, not quite as close to her as I had been before. An awkward silence fell between us and I stared straight ahead, at the blank television screen.

"Sorry, am I keeping you up?" she asked after I yawned hugely. I snorted.

"Amanda, it's like, nine o'clock. Only grandmas go to bed this early." But honestly, today had been pretty exhausting, and the fight with Josh more exhausting still; I felt like I could fall into bed that moment and sleep until noon.

"We could...turn on the TV or something," she said awkwardly, clearly finding the silence as uncomfortable as I was.

"Yeah. Yeah, that sounds good."

The TV proved to be an apt distraction, removing the need for any real conversation, and we sat watching reruns of _The Simpsons_ until eleven.

"Ready for bed yet?" I asked when I felt like I couldn't keep my eyes open a second longer, and promptly flushed; that sounded much worse than I intended it to.

Amanda didn't seem to notice, and only smirked at me. "Why? Is it an acceptable hour to sleep now?"

"Any time between the hours of eleven and two are perfectly acceptable," I said seriously, "with a few exceptions."

"You're just tired," she chided. "Either that, or you're bored of spending time with me."

"I'll let you figure that one out for yourself." I grinned at her and got to my feet. "Come on, you can sleep in my room. I'll take the couch."

"That's not necessary," she protested, but I was already steering her down the hall. Was it weird to let another girl sleep in my bed? Obviously, Jessica did it all the time, but that was...different. Maybe it would be easier to let Amanda sleep on the couch, but something told me that would be impolite.

"Stay," I told her, after I had showed her my room and gathered up some blankets for myself.

"Of course. Thanks for showing me to my room, kind sir." She curtsied ridiculously, and I grinned.

"So it's your room now, isn't it?"

"I think that's what you said." She pointed toward the door and commanded me in a tone identical to the one I'd used a moment before. "Out."

I left, dragging my armful of blankets over to the couch and arranging them in some semblance of a bed. And then, suddenly overwhelmingly tired, I stripped down to my boxers, turned out the lights, and slipped under the blankets. There wasn't even time for me to think about the events of the past day before I was asleep.

I awoke disoriented, recognizing only that I wasn't in my own bed. After a moment, I remembered who _was_ in my bed, and flushed. Right.

I still wasn't sure that allowing Amanda to stay the night had been a good idea, and the guilt I felt now made me think that maybe it wasn't. But still—we had spent the night in separate rooms, and she was Josh's ex, for God's sake. We were just friends, and like any good friend I was being supportive.

These thoughts didn't do much to alleviate my guilt. Sighing, I threw off the blankets and rose to check the time on the clock in the hallway. It was almost ten.

I was still standing there when the door to my bedroom creaked open. I turned my head to see Amanda poking a dishevelled head out.

"I—Oh," she said, blushing fiercely. Suddenly I remembered my state of undress, and couldn't stop my own cheeks from turning red. "I was just going to the bathroom," she said after an awkward silence.

"Right. I should—get some clothes." I allowed her to make her way to the washroom before sidling past her into the bedroom. My face was still hot as I walked over to the dresser and pulled out a shirt and some jeans for the day. I changed quickly, feeling like I shouldn't be in the room, even though it was mine.

"Do you want some breakfast?" I asked a minute later, when Amanda emerged from the bathroom and entered the living room.

"Actually, I think I'll pass. You've provided enough hospitality for the moment, I think."

"It's no—" I started, suddenly not wanting her to leave.

She only smiled at me and cut me off. "Trust me, Matt, you've done enough. Besides, I feel disgusting." She grimaced, gesturing down at the clothes from yesterday she was still wearing.

"Just...give me a call if you need anything, okay?"

"Of course." We were standing by the door now, and Amanda finished putting on her coat and shoes before looking at me. "I've already told you, Matt, I know I can depend on you. And it's wonderful of you to be so nice to me, especially when Josh is your best friend."

"He's a dick," I said.

"That doesn't stop you from being the sweetest, most understanding guy I know." For a moment we only stared at each other, and I couldn't stop the fleeting thought that she had beautiful eyes.

And then she placed her hands on my shoulders, leaned up on her toes, and kissed me—not on the cheek, like before, but on the lips. It was short, and she pulled away before I had time to even react.

"Thanks," she said simply. "I'll see you around."

"Bye," I managed to call out, but she was already gone.

For a full minute, I stood staring out at the empty hallway, my head whirring with thoughts: what had just transpired, the previous night, my girlfriend, my best friend, and the girl I suddenly found myself attracted to.

_Fuck._


	16. This Place is a Hole

I'm the type of guy who sleeps in until 1pm, so when I found myself brewing a fresh cup of coffee at 10am, I knew something was seriously wrong with me.

I had no idea what to do with myself anymore. I couldn't sleep, my mind was a tangled mess, and I felt like I had nobody to talk to. Leilani had already fallen asleep when I came home after the argument last night, and was asleep still, so I couldn't tell her what had happened. I contemplated waking her up, but I figured she needed her rest. I knew it wouldn't make me feel much better, but I decided to go see how Tristan was doing.

I rushed to our bedroom to put on a t-shirt and some jeans. I wrote Leilani a short note explaining my absence, kissed her on the forehead and headed out the door. I strolled out of my house, heading towards the hospital. As I passed Matt's apartment complex, I saw a familiar female figure walk out the front entrance.

"Amanda?" I gasped.

The dishevelled blond turned around suddenly and stopped dead in her tracks. "Mike!"

"What are you doing at Matt's apartment this early?" I inquired while walking towards her.

"Oh this is Matt's apartment?" she attempted to sound surprised, "I—I was actually just visiting one of my girlfriends. I guess she lives in the same place as him." She shuffled her feet.

"Oh, okay," I said cautiously.

"What are you doing up this early?" she asked, trying to lighten the mood.

"Just… taking a walk," I lied. I didn't feel like explaining anything to her at the moment.

"Cool," she responded awkwardly.

"Yeah," I replied, "I'll see you around."

"Okay!" She waved goodbye while walking towards her car.

I gave her a short, half-assed wave and began walking away. I couldn't help but wonder whether she was lying about seeing her girlfriend or not. After all, Matt seemed pretty defensive when Josh started insulting her. Was there something going on between the two of them?

I shook the thought out of my head. Matt would never do that to Jessica.

Thirty minutes later, and regretting I didn't just drive to the hospital, I finally reached the dull, depressing building.

"Morning, Mike," greeted one of the nurses with a half-smile.

"Morning," I replied with a slight wave. It almost made me sick to my stomach that I knew this place like the back of my hand. I made my way through the hospital to where Tristan was laying and took a seat beside him. I let out a huge sigh.

"Hey, little buddy," I said quietly. Thankfully, there were no nurses around.

It almost looked as though Tristan was waiting for words; his dad's words. I wanted to talk to him, but I couldn't come up with anything to say. Besides, it wasn't like he could hear me. I decided to stay for a while, even if I was just staring at my broken son with bloodshot eyes.

"I'm such a terrible father," I said under my breath. I still regretted not being there during the accident, all because I had to be on tour. Fuck touring. Especially with Josh; I was so sick of that kid. Even the thought of him made me want to scream.

As I tried to take a deep breath, I noticed the ECG beside where Tristan was laying began going completely erratic. I took a few steps back and called out to one of the nurses. Before I knew it, I'd been pushed out of the way as my son was being surrounded by doctors and nurses.

"What's going on?" I attempted to ask one of the nurses. No response.

"HEY!" I called out one more time. No response.

I began to panic as I caught a glimpse of the ECG; the green line indicating his heart rate had gone completely flat, followed by a long beep. Tears started to well up in the corner of my eyes. Filled with fear and rage, I pushed through the crowd of nurses and grabbed the head physician's arm. "WHAT IS HAPPENING TO MY SON?"

The doctor sighed and eyed one of the nurses who grabbed my hand and pulled me out of the room.

"What the fuck do you think you're doing?" I cried out. "That's my son in there! WHAT'S GOING ON?"

"Mr. Ayley," the nurse said calmly, "please try to relax."

I became even more infuriated. "HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO RELAX? NOBODY'S TELLING ME ANYTHING!" I yelled.

"Your son has gone into cardiac arrest," she explained. "He's being rushed to the ICU."

I felt as though MY heart had stopped beating for a moment. I took a few steps back and composed myself. "I want to see him," I demanded sternly.

"I'm afraid that's not possible," the nurse replied hesitantly.

"What do you mean that's not possible," my voice grew louder again, "THAT'S MY SON IN THERE!"

"I understand," the nurse tried to calm me down, "Listen, once he stabilizes, I will personally take you to see him."

I paused for a moment. "Will he stabilize?" I asked nervously.

The nurse looked away. "I don't know."

"WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU DON'T KNOW?" I began to feel tears streaming down my face.

The nurse that had greeted me as I walked in seemed to notice my frustration and walked over to me.

"Mike, there's really nothing we can do," she said soothingly while motioning the other nurse to leave. "Why don't you take a seat here?" She pointed towards a couch in the waiting area.

Without thinking, I pushed her away from me and marched out the door. She expected me to sit calmly while my son was in cardiac arrest? No, I needed air. I ran towards the back of the hospital, trying to find somewhere I could be alone. I finally threw myself against the wall and cupped my hands over my face.

"HOW CAN THIS BE HAPPENING?" I shouted to no one in particular, releasing my hands into the air. I sat down on the cold ground and began to sob like a grown man who was losing his son.


	17. Silver Lining

It felt pretty damn silly to be going on a date despite everything else that was going on, but I was in serious need of a break. It's sort of like when Bill Weasley and Fleur Delacour had a wedding despite Voldemort's rise to power.

I giggled to myself; did I really just use a Harry Potter analogy?

For some reason, I was absolutely positive that she was going to stand me up. But to my pleasant surprise, she had arrived before me.

"Hi," I greeted with an awkward smile. She immediately turned around and beamed.

"Hey!" she exclaimed as she gave me a big hug. She smelled like… lilies.

"Shall we get a table?" I smiled.

"Of course!" she replied.

We made our way to the hostess stand before being guided to a booth near the back of the restaurant. The privacy of our table intimidated me a little.

"Welcome to Moxie's," said a snooty waitress. "Can I get you two some drinks?"

I looked down at the menu at panicked. How was I going to pay for drinks? Forget drinks, how was I going to pay for both our entire meals? I looked around anxiously, trying to think of a plan.

"I'll just have a water," Lily responded, noticing my anxiety.

"Me too," I said hesitantly. As I saw the waitress walk away, I sank into my seat and buried myself in my menu. What the fuck was I going to do? I considered faking sick, but I was a terrible liar.

"No, there's no way I could pull that off," I muttered under my breath.

"What?" Lily looked up from her menu. Shit. Did I say that out loud?

"Nothing," I grinned, sinking back into my seat.

Suddenly, Lily reached across the table and put down my menu. "You know you don't have to pay for this right?" She smiled.

"Don't be ridiculous." I rolled my eyes.

"Shut up," she scolded jokingly, "I'm paying and that's final."

"Yes ma'am," I laughed. "Seriously though, I'll pay you back by the end of the week."

"That will hardly be necessary," she put one hand on her chin and stared at me lovingly. A heap of butterflies flew through my stomach.

"Are you ready to order?" the waitress asked while setting down our drinks. I nodded to Lily.

"I'll have your Sesame Thai Chicken Salad," she responded with confidence. Great, another typical salad girl.

"I'll have…" I panicked while scanning the menu. I hadn't even decided yet. "…The same thing." I sighed.

Lily let out a light chuckle as the waitress collected our menus and walked away. "I know what you're thinking," she said flirtatiously, "another girl who orders a salad on a date. The thing is, I actually like salad, and there was no shrimp on the menu."

How cute.

"I wasn't thinking that," I laughed and looked away purposefully. She shoved my arm jokingly and took a sip of water.

"Man, I hate water." She made a disgusted face.

"How can you hate water?" I laughed.

"It's so boring." She sat back in her seat and crossed her arms.

"Then why'd you order it?" I inquired.

"Because I don't feel like paying for an expensive drink," she smiled. "But given the circumstances, I think expensive drinks are quite necessary," she continued while snapping her fingers.

"Two strawberry-mango daiquiris please," she called out to the waitress.

I couldn't help but smile at the fact that she remembered my two favourite fruits. The waitress nodded and walked away for what felt like the hundredth time. I fiddled with my fingers while trying to come up with a conversation starter.

Lily seemed to notice my nervous foible. "So, tell me more about this band of yours," she smiled and leaned in, intrigued.

"Didn't I tell you enough stories yesterday?" I laughed.

"I'm always up for hearing more," she replied with a grin.

Without thinking, I dove right into more crazy stories about the band and I...It was amazing how comfortable I felt around her. There wasn't one awkward silence the entire night and I don't think there was a single topic we didn't cover.

I looked at Lily nervously when the check arrived. She looked up and grinned.

"Don't worry!" she read my mind. "It's not a problem, really."

"I still feel bad," I shrugged.

"Well then you can walk me home," she smiled.

"Where do you live?" I asked.

"About twenty blocks down," she replied nervously.

"OH GOD, THAT'S SO FAR," I joked.

"Oh suck it up," she giggled more than I expected. I felt my stomach do a 180 as I joined in her laughter. I couldn't get over how amazing she was.

As I watched her pay the bill, I couldn't help but wonder what was going to happen between the two of us. Generally speaking, I thought I did a pretty good job expressing how I felt about people; but I REALLY liked her. The thought of her not feeling the same way made my heart sink.

"Ready to go?" she asked, waking me from my daze. We both stood up and started to walk back to her place. Surprisingly, the conversations didn't stop at the restaurant. We continued talking about God knows what for the entire walk home; and it was a long walk.

We approached a fairly large bungalow when she came to a halt. "This is me," she stated.

I didn't want the date to be over. Lily was the only one who kept my head in a far better place. It was like I was in a different world when I was with her; and I was in no position to want to face reality, especially now.

"You live here by yourself?" I asked.

"Well, me and my roommate, Alexa," she explained, "She just moved here and needed a place to crash. I figured with all the extra space, I might as well."

"Alexa?" I asked, I remembering the girl from the band meeting last night.

"Yeah…" she responded hesitantly, "long red hair, kinda tall, astonishingly beautiful…" her voice trailed off.

"Never heard of her," I lied.

She nodded and looked away awkwardly.

"…and for the record," I continued, "you're more beautiful."

Did I actually just say that?

She blushed. "You haven't even met her."

"Don't have to," I smiled.

I panicked as she began to lean closer to me. Was I supposed to kiss her? I was a completely idiot when it came to girls.

She seemed to sense my nerves and began walking towards the front door, "I should get going, it's pretty cold out," she said while burying herself in her jacket.

"Yeah…" I responded awkwardly.

The two of us stood motionless, occasionally shuffling our feet. I felt like I was seventeen again.

"Thanks for an amazing night, Ian," she leaned over and kissed me on the cheek, "Call me, okay?" she began to unlock her front door.

"Of course," I smiled and started walking away, feeling completely exhilarated.

Finally, something was going right.


	18. Guilty by Design

I hadn't heard from Amanda all weekend, and it shouldn't have irritated me as much as it did; in fact, I shouldn't have cared at all. But I couldn't help feeling like she had left me hanging, after I had told her I would always be there, after she had called me a good friend, someone she could depend on, after she had kissed me.

"FUCK!" I cried out to an empty room, because of course that thought put my mind exactly back where I didn't want it to be.

There was no point in denying that I didn't have feelings for Amanda. They had made themselves all the more evident after she hadn't called me on Saturday, Sunday, or Monday—and yet I couldn't stop thinking about her.

And surely she felt the same: she had kissed me, she had hugged me, she had come to _me_...

I shook my head angrily. It didn't _matter_ if the feelings were there or not, because there was no way anything could happen. Not when she was still hurting over Josh; when they had broken up hardly a week ago and I knew that he was probably hurting, too. Not when I was still dating Jessica; when she had no idea what was happening and was coming home tomorrow night.

Josh was still my best friend, even if we had hardly spoken in the last week, aside from our shouting match. Jessica was still my girlfriend, and I cared for her. I just happened to care for Amanda, too.

I slammed to my feet and began pacing aimlessly around the apartment, probably annoying the hell out of whoever lived downstairs with my incessant foot-stomping. I couldn't bring myself to care; I was too focused on my thoughts.

I needed air. I needed music. Making a decision, I slid on some shoes and a light coat and then left my apartment. Within minutes I had arrived outside the studio. To my relief, the parking lot was empty; there was no one I wanted to run into today, Josh least of all.

Using my key, I unlocked the front door. Without even bothering to turn on the lights, I made my way into the equipment room, where Josh's and my innumerable guitars were lined up neatly against the wall. I picked one out at random and strummed it a couple of times, thinking. All at once a song popped into my head and I smiled sardonically; it was a song I had written myself a couple of months ago.

Sitting down on the couch, I began to sing, attempting to lose myself in the music. "_Pretty little thing, you're pulling all my strings, we're breaking all the rules tonight..._

"_...I'm throwing it all away for such a bad, bad girl." _

The song seemed to resolve something in me, and I knew that there was a good chance that I was making the wrong decision. But I was feeling reckless, and at the moment it didn't matter whose feelings might get hurt in the end.

I tried to tell myself that I was just being friendly, that I wasn't doing anything _wrong._

I waited until I got home before I called Amanda.

"How are you feeling?" I asked her, trying to pretend that I was just checking up on her, like a good friend.

"Fine," she said shortly, and I knew immediately that something was wrong.

"What's up?"

She sighed, and seemed to hesitate before telling me. "Josh called me late last night. He yelled for a bit, called me all sorts of names and said he was too good for me, said he'd already moved on and found somebody better..." Her voice hitched, as if she had started crying.

"He said _what_?" I asked incredulously. The Josh I knew would never do such a thing. But then again, recently it seemed as if I hadn't known Josh at all.

"He didn't sound quite like himself," Amanda said defensively.

"Like that's an excuse," I snarled, remembering the things Josh had said about Amanda on Friday night. "Do you want me to come over?" I was ridiculously angry, but I still didn't miss the opportunity this presented. "We could just watch a movie or something."

"Yeah, sure," she said slowly. "Thanks, Matt."

"No problem," I said, firmly pushing down the guilt that was rising up within me again.

Amanda's apartment (I had to stop myself from thinking of it as Josh's) was far enough away that I had to actually drive to it, and just over ten minutes later I pulled up in front. Amanda greeted me at the door.

"What do you want to watch?" she asked after a momentary awkward silence.

"You choose. Something happy?" I suggested with a smile.

Quickly she flicked through a stack of DVDs before pulling one out. "How about this?" she said, passing it to me. "It's one of my favourites."

I looked down at the title of the movie, and grinned. _The Proposal._ It was _perfect_. "Sounds good," I said. "It's one of my favourites, too."

For the first bit of the movie, we sat on opposite ends of the couch. As much as I loved this movie, I found it hard to concentrate; the awkwardness had sprung up between us again, creating a wall that grew thicker as time passed. I glanced out of the corner of my eye at Amanda. She was watching the movie with what appeared to be intense concentration, but I couldn't stop myself more and more from wanting to break the silence.

"Uh...want to make some popcorn or something?" I finally asked.

"Are you ever not hungry?" Amanda sighed, pausing the movie and rising up from the couch.

"Rarely. Anyway, I haven't eaten today." This was true; I had completely forgotten to eat lunch, something that gave clear indication to the current state of my thoughts.

"Do you want anything else, then?"

"Depends on what you have." I pushed myself up from the couch and followed her into the kitchen. When we emerged five minutes later, our arms were laden with bowls of popcorn and chips that we set down on the coffee table. After we started the movie up again, there was still silence, broken by the crunching of chips, but I thought Amanda was sitting a little closer to me on the couch.

The next time I looked over at her, she was crying silently. I sighed internally; always the tears. I didn't know whether to try to comfort her or pretend I hadn't seen anything.

I went with the former. "Are you okay?" I asked hesitantly.

"Fine." She sniffed and wiped at her eyes angrily. "Just being fucking stupid, like usual." She didn't go into further detail, and I didn't want to ask. Instead, I reached my hand out and took hers, holding it gently. After a moment she crawled over the couch until she was sitting directly beside me, and put her head on my shoulder.

Cautiously, I put my arm around her shoulders, half-afraid that she would tell me I had gone too far. She said nothing.

After that, it was impossible for me to watch the movie. Every inch of me was aware of the silent vibrations of her tears, of her warm weight against me. My hand tightened around her shoulder, pulling her closer.

Eventually, she stopped crying, but I didn't release her.

"Matt..." she said softly, and just as I turned my head to look at her, she kissed me. This one was far more serious than the previous one, and it lasted long enough for me to notice that her lips tasted of salt. I opened my eyes to see that hers were still closed, tears clinging to her lashes.

My phone vibrated in my pocket, and I pulled away. Amanda's eyes opened and she looked at me questioningly.

"Sorry," I muttered apologetically.

"It's fine," she murmured, turning her head away from me. I took the opportunity to check my phone, and my heart started pounding as I saw who it was from.

Jessica. Guilt was slithering up my gut like a snake again, and I briefly contemplated not answering the message at all. But I couldn't do that; what I was doing now was bad enough. My hand was shaking as I opened the message.

_Hey, babe :) How are u?_

Amanda turned back to me just as I shoved the phone back into my pocket. Her eyes were shining with an emotion I didn't quite recognize.

"Is it wrong to like you so much, Matt?" she asked softly, putting a hand on my shoulder. I pulled away abruptly and jumped up from the couch, my guts twisting.

Yes. It was wrong for either of us to feel this way. Everything about it was _wrong_.

"I have to go," I said instead, and ran out the door before she could say anything else.

When I was seated in my car, I sent Jess a quick reply, feeling overwhelmingly guilty.

_I'm fine. You?_

And then I drove. My thoughts were in turmoil, but I still managed to find my way to the highway and down the winding road, pulling to a stop outside the small copse of trees. I jumped out of my car and ducked under their cover, where the remains of Josh's and my fort were.

After sitting down on a mossy log, I pulled out my phone to see I had two new messages. One was from Amanda:

_Hey, Matt. I'm sorry if I did something wrong :( Are you okay? _

The other was from Jessica:

_Wonderful! Can't wait to see u tomorrow ;) 3 _

I threw my phone to the ground and buried my face in my hands. I had hurt Amanda. If Jess ever found out what had happened between us, she would be hurt, too. I had been selfish and I had hurt everyone, including myself.

What the hell was I supposed to do now?

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><p><strong>Author's Note: I'm curious - How many of you guys like Matt with Amanda, and how many like Matt with Jessica? Let me know through tumblr, twitter, or in a review. <strong>

**As always, let Jackie or me know what you think!  
><strong>


	19. Hospital

**A/N: This chapter wasn't an emotional rollercoaster to write. Not at all.  
><strong>

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><p>Soon enough, I realized that Leilani ought to know what had happened. After I had managed to calm my ragged breathing, I pulled my phone out to call her. She sounded groggy when she answered, like she had just gotten out of bed.<p>

"Mike? What is it?"

I had to swallow back tears before I could answer her. "Tristan's gone into cardiac arrest."

There was the sound of something shattering on the other end. "I'm coming," I heard Leilani choke out, before there was just the dial tone.

Heaving a great sigh, I pushed myself to my feet, deciding I better meet her at the front doors. Tears were still running down my face and I received sympathetic looks from several nurses, which I ignored.

Leilani arrived in record time, fast enough to make me assume she had broken several speeding laws in getting here. She met me at the front, her eyes wild, her hair uncombed.

"Where is he?" she asked in a tight, barely controlled voice.

"Come with—"

"Excuse me," the lady at the front desk interrupted us, "but you need to check in."

Leilani's eyes narrowed. "Our son—"

"I realize that you're distressed, ma'am," the lady said in an annoyingly calm voice. "But all visitors need to check in."

"WE DON'T HAVE THE FUCKING TIME TO CHECK IN!" Leilani screamed, finally snapping. I stared; Leilani almost never lost her temper and _never_ swore. She turned to me, and I could tell something in her had broken. "Take me to him," she said quietly.

I obeyed, grabbing her hand as we ran across the reception room and through the swinging doors at the other end, ignoring the calls of the lady at the front desk behind us.

"He's been taken to the ICU," I managed to say as we raced up several flights of stairs and down another corridor, following the signs at every crossroads.

Finally, panting and out of breath, we came to a halt outside of the Intensive Care ward. It seemed surprisingly calm, given what had just happened. There was no one around; after a moment, I pushed open the door and we crept inside.

"Mike," Leilani whispered to me, "do you think he's going to be okay?"

"Of course," I said, because I couldn't bear to think of the alternative. To lose Tristan—

We continued making our way quietly down the corridor, but the doors to all the rooms were closed, their windows covered, making it impossible to see inside. I grew more desperate as we approached the end. Inside of one of these rooms was Tristan.

A door opened and a nurse stepped out. She turned and stopped seeing us. "Excuse me—" she began, before recognizing me. "Mr. Ayley, I thought I asked you to wait outside." It was the same nurse I had spoken to before, when all this had happened.

"We want to see our son," I said firmly, trying not to let my voice shake.

"Mr. Ayley, he's in serious condition right now. We can't afford—"

"Then shouldn't we be allowed to see him?" I interrupted.

"Please," Leilani added brokenly. "We can't lose him, not like this."

Something in the nurse seemed to give way, and she sighed. "I could get fired for this," she muttered while holding the door open to us.

"Thanks," I whispered as we walked past her.

The room was overly bright, stark white lights shining from overhead. A group of doctors were huddled over something too small to see, but I knew it was my son. Beside me, Leilani gave a dry, broken sob, and I squeezed her hand. The doctors were shouting, their words incomprehensible to my jumbled mind. But after a minute I could make at least a few of them out:

"I!...2!...3!..."

They were trying to bring my son back to life.

Being in the room wasn't much better than being outside it, just louder and more confusing, and we still couldn't see our son. One doctor was shouting while another used the defibrillator; still others seemed to be monitoring his heart rate and vital signs.

We stood there for an eon of time, watching the same scene repeat itself over and over. Nothing seemed to be changing.

And then, finally, there were the words we'd been waiting to hear.

"He's breathing."

Leilani let out another broken sob and, pulling her hand out of mine, rushed forward, pushing the doctors out of the way. I followed after her, leaning over her shoulder to look in at our son.

"What the hell are they doing in here?" one doctor asked, and I heard the nurse give some reply. I wasn't paying attention; I had been captivated by the sight of my son, the gentle rise and fall of his tiny chest. We only had a few moments to stare before a hand grabbed onto my shoulder and pulled me away.

"You can't be in here," the doctor said, although her eyes were kind. "We'll let you know as soon as you can visit him, though."

"Okay," I said meekly, pulling Leilani away. "Thanks. For...keeping him alive."

The hallway outside was just as empty as before but it seemed different, brighter somehow. I noticed tears of happiness and relief were dripping down Leilani's cheek, and I shed a few of my own.

Over the next couple of days, hardly a moment went by when one of us wasn't by Tristan's bedside. Leilani didn't want another incident to happen while she wasn't there, and I was inclined to agree. So we began to practically live at the hospital, eating in the cafeteria and spending nights in the waiting room downstairs when visiting hours were over.

I was drinking ridiculous amounts of caffeine in order to keep myself awake, and both Leilani and I had developed dark circles under our eyes. But we were adamant; neither of us would leave until Tristan woke up. It seemed that things could only get better after the worst had almost already happened, and it did seem as if Tristan was improving. Several of the multitudes of tubes coming out of him had been removed, and on Monday I could have sworn I saw his hand twitch.

Tuesday afternoon found us, as usual, seated on straight-backed wooden chairs, watching Tristan. I had just returned from yet another coffee run, and had brought with me some food.

"You should eat something," I said gently when Leilani made no move to take the tray I placed down beside her. She didn't respond, her eyes focused on Tristan's face like they so often were, as if she were trying to communicate with him.

Suddenly she looked up at me, her eyes wide.

"What is it?" I asked, slightly alarmed.

"I could have sworn I just felt—" She dropped her eyes again, looking at the hand that clasped Tristan's. When she next spoke, it was to Tristan alone. "Tristan, dear, it's me. It's your mommy. We're here for you, darling, we're here."

She looked up at me again, her eyes shining with tears. "There, he did it again," she whispered. "His hand moved."

Feeling suddenly breathless, I moved forward, placing one hand on top of Leilani's and the other in Tristan's hair.

"Speak to him," Leilani said quietly. "He loves to hear your voice, I know he does."

I had to clear my throat before I could speak. "Hey, bud," I said softly. "I'm here, your mommy and I are here, and we're waiting for you. We love you Tristan, so much. Please—" I broke off with a little gasp; the head beneath my hand had definitely just stirred.

"Oh my God," Leilani breathed, also noticing the movement. "Is he waking up?"

Tristan's other hand, the one we weren't holding, slowly started to clasp and unclasp on the blanket; one of his legs twitched, and then the other.

"Oh my God," Leilani whispered again, tears overflowing her eyes. She called for a nurse as I stared, transfixed, at my son, who was showing more signs of life than he had in over two months.

A nurse appeared beside us. "He's moving," Leilani said.

"I can see that," the nurse said, just as Tristan's arm moved a fraction of an inch. "I expect he's eager to join the world, after being out of it for so long."

"So you think—" Leilani's voice was full of restrained hope, "—you think he's actually waking up?"

The nurse's smile was evident in her voice; both of us were too captivated by our son to spare her a glance. "I think that's likely, yes. I'll grab his doctor, and leave you two alone."

"A doctor?" Leilani said, sounding a little panicked. "Why would he need a doctor?"

"I'm sure it's just precautionary," I soothed her. My mind was buzzing with everything that was happening, and a broad grin split my face. "But Leilani, did you hear that? He's _waking up._"

As if reacting to my voice, Tristan made his biggest movement yet, drawing his arms and legs in towards him before letting them relax. Several heartbeats passed, in which Leilani and I stared at him with our breath held. And then—

He opened his eyes.

They were big and brown, and blinked up at us tiredly. I felt like my heart was breaking in two. No, not breaking; bursting. I stared down at my son,my heart bursting with emotion, and I began to sob. Leilani reached out her hand and I took it, and together we stared down at our waking son, stroking his hair, his arm, every part of him that wasn't covered with tubes.

The door opened and several people rushed in, joining us at the bed. Tristan continued to blink up at us with confusion as the doctors bustled about the room. And then, apparently overcome by everything that was happening...

He began to cry.

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><p><strong>AN: Another question for everyone: Out of all the boys, whose story do you find most interesting to follow? **

**As always, let us know what you think!**


	20. How Will You Fix Me Now?

Days went by as I contemplated an appropriate time to call Lily. I didn't want to call too soon, but at the same time, I didn't want to call too late or she might've forgotten about me. I finally decided to call her Tuesday evening.

"Hello?" answered a groggy female voice on the other end. My palms became clammy.

"Hey Lily," I replied hesitantly.

"Ian!" Lily perked up.

I chuckled. "How are you?"

"I'm fantastic," she replied. "What's up?"

"Just wondered if you were free tomorrow night?" I asked nervously. I moved the phone a little further from my ear in fear that she could hear my heartbeat.

"Of course!" she chirped. I sighed with relief.

"Awesome," I smiled to myself, "How 'bout a movie?"

"Sounds good," she replied, "you pick."

"No you," I laughed. I sucked at making decisions.

"Okay you're gonna kill me," she replied, "but I still haven't seen Deathly Hallows."

I let out a light chuckle. "Alright."

"So you'll see it with me?" she asked.

"Of course!" I exclaimed, "Polo Park Theatre at 7?"

"Sounds good," she replied with what sounded like a smile.

Feeling a lot less nervous for our second date, I made my way over to the theatre at about 6:30, expecting Lily to be early. As I walked over, I couldn't help but shudder at the movie we were seeing. Not because it was Harry Potter, but because I'd already seen it with the band. In fact, the four of us had seen every single Potter movie together within a week of its release; mostly because Josh was huge Potterhead.

I felt my eyes sting as I thought of Josh. I missed him, the old him. If I only I knew what he was keeping from us…

"Hey you!" I turned around to see Lily beaming. Suddenly, I completely forgot who Josh even was.

"Hey," I smiled. She surprised me as she leaned over to give me a hug.

"Wanna get some popcorn?" she asked.

"Obviously," I replied with a smirk.

Lily never failed to surprise me every time she read my mind. I watched her order two large popcorns with extra butter; my favourite. As we made our way to the theatre and sat down, I noticed we still had half an hour before the movie started.

"Don't worry," she smiled as she noticed me check my watch, "we can still catch up. How was the rest of your weekend?" she asked.

I smiled as we dove into another long conversation that could've gone on for hours if the movie hadn't started. She didn't seem timid to hold my hand during the scary parts or cry when Dobby died. I smiled at the memory of Josh blubbering like an idiot at the end of the movie.

I shook my head. Why couldn't I get that insensitive prick out of my head?

As the credits began to roll, she looked at me. "I'm a mess, aren't I?"

I laughed. "Never."

I stood up and reached out my hand to help her up. We walked out of the theatre and stood outside for what felt like hours.

"It's only 10," I pointed out, looking into her green eyes. "Wanna come chill at my apartment for a while?" I asked. A look of shock drew upon both of our faces. Did I really just ask that?

"Sure," she smiled, "it's not as if I have anything better to do. Alexa's gone."

"What do you mean gone?" I asked as we started walking towards my place.

"She moved," Lily continued. "Something about how she couldn't handle it here; too much drama. He was driving her crazy."

"He?" I asked as my eyes grew wider.

"Some guy she's been talking to," she continued.

I panicked. "Do you have any idea who?" I asked.

She looked at me, "Why does it matter?"

"No reason," I lied as I looked away.

"There must be a reason," she smiled.

"It's nothing I promise!" I laughed.

"Tell me!" she insisted.

"Don't worry about it," I reassured her with a smile.

"I know you're lying," she laughed.

"Oh really?" I responded flirtatiously.

"Well, well, well," I heard a familiar voice call out. I turned rapidly to see Eddie and his gang standing in front of my apartment doors. A look of fear hit my face and Lily seemed to notice.

"He'll pay you back at the end of the week," Lily stated bravely. I wanted to hug her.

"No, princess," he smirked, "he'll pay me back now. See, my buddies and I wanna hit Vegas tomorrow, and we can't go to Vegas if Casselman here doesn't pay us back," Eddie continued as he stood uncomfortably close to me, looking directly into my eyes.

"We had a deal." I took a step back.

"Do you think I give a shit?" he laughed.

I wanted to grab Lily's hand, but she was too far away. "Look, I don't have the money now."

"Well then," Eddie continued to walk towards me, "looks like we have a problem."

I took a few more steps back as Eddie pulled out his gun.

"Your little boyfriend can't help you outta this one, Casselman," he smirked. I looked over at Lily who began to shake silently while looking at me with pleading eyes.

"Look, please just give me a few more days," I begged.

"No," he continued, "You'll give me the money now, or else."

I stopped backing up, "Or else what?" I looked straight into his menacing eyes.

"Or else…" his voice trailed off as he lifted up his arm and pointed the gun directly at Lily's fragile face.


	21. I Just Started Not To Say No

**Author's Note: THIS. CHAPTER. That is all.**

* * *

><p>I would have to stop seeing Amanda. It seemed like the only possible solution, the one that would cause the least amount of harm. I realized now that I had been selfish; I had put my own happiness first and ignored that of those around me. If either Josh or Jessica found out about what had happened...<p>

I was miserable, but I had to stop thinking about myself.

Ignoring the text from Amanda (I couldn't face her now, I just couldn't), I sent Jess a quick reply about how I would meet her at the airport at nine the next evening. Then I pushed myself to my feet with a sigh and headed back to my car.

Sleep didn't come easily that night and I awoke in the morning disgruntled and irate, and just as miserable as I had been the night before. Amanda texted me again, and once again I ignored it. I didn't feel like I could tell her what I had decided yet, because I knew it would hurt her as much as it was hurting me.

The day was spent lounging around my apartment, so I was entirely unprepared for when someone knocked on my door at half past five.

I was even more surprised when I opened the door to see Amanda standing there.

"Look, I'm sorry," she said before I could close the door in her face—which was my first impulse. "I don't know what I did wrong—"

Tears were threatening to overflow her eyes, so I said hastily, "You didn't do anything wrong, but I did. Amanda...I have a girlfriend."

Something in her face seemed to harden, and she pushed past me, into my apartment. "I know."

"Then why—"

She spun around to face me, and I couldn't tell if her expression was angry or sad. "We've known each other for years, Matt. But we've never seen each other as anything more than friends, because of Josh. And now that he's gone, it's like I'm getting to know you all over again."

She took a step towards me. "You're sweet, and funny, and you help me forget about him. I need you, Matt."

Part of me wanted to step away from her, but I couldn't move. "Uh..." I said eloquently.

"You like me," she stated, her eyes boring into mine, and I knew she didn't mean just as a friend.

For a second I considered lying to her. I could end this all right here, I could send her away; but I saw in her face that she wouldn't take no as an answer. She knew as well as I did how I felt. "Yes," I sighed.

"And I like you. A lot."

"I know, but—I can't do this." She had taken another step forward and placed her hands on my shoulders. "Jessica's coming home tonight, and I can't hurt her like this."

"What about me?" Amanda whispered. "Is it okay for you to hurt me?"

"No, of course not," I said hurriedly. "But there's no good way to end this. Someone has to get hurt."

"I can think of a way to end this that wouldn't hurt quite as much," she murmured, and then she was kissing me, and before I could convince myself to do otherwise, I was kissing her back.

There was no room for thought, for guilt, for rational decision; there was only Amanda and the softness of her hair in my hands and her lips on mine. A warmth was spreading through me, and it extinguished all desire to pull away.

This was wrong; everything about it was wrong.

No. This was right; everything about it was right.

Her hands reached up to tangle in my hair and mine slid down to grasp her waist, and just as I made to pull her closer, she pulled away.

"How long do you have?" Her voice was low, a little hoarse.

I found my throat was dry as well. "I have to leave at eight-thirty."

"'Til eight-thirty, then." Again, there was an emotion in her eyes I couldn't quite define. "After that, none of this ever happened."

I nodded dumbly. "We'll go back to being friends?"

"And no one will know we were anything but." Her lips were eagerly on mine again, and she managed to push me backward towards the couch. My knees hit it and we tumbled down, still entangled.

Was it so wrong that this made me happy? After all, this was a one-time thing—we had already promised that tomorrow, things would go back to being the way they always had been.

The thought that this would be the last time I would feel Amanda like this, hold her close and taste her lips, made my stomach twist with something like despair. I kissed her harder, pushing her back into the cushions, and she responded in earnest.

I guess we were so caught up in each other that neither of us heard the click of the key in the lock, or the creak of the door as it swung open.

"What. The. Fuck."

Shit. I knew that voice.

Amanda and I sprang apart as if we could somehow erase the evidence of what we'd been doing. Slowly, my face flushing with embarrassment, I turned to face Jessica. She was standing in the doorway, her face a thundercloud, tears sparkling in her eyes.

"It's not—"

"Not what it looks like, is it?" Jessica's voice was trembling with anger. "Well, Matthew, could you please tell me what it _is_, then?"

Of course I couldn't answer that question. Weakly, I tried to change the subject. "What are you doing home? You weren't supposed to land until nine..."

"I asked to be transferred to an earlier flight. I wanted to come home early and surprise you. Guess you're the one who ended up surprising me."

She still hadn't moved from the doorway, and tears were flowing down her cheeks. The guilt that I had pushed away had come back in full force, and I stood up and took several steps towards her.

"Don't come near me," she snarled. "Don't touch me with the hands that touched that bitch."

Her tone, her choice of words, reminded me startlingly of Josh, and I snapped. "Don't talk about her like that!" I shouted.

"Matt, don't—" I heard Amanda say from behind me, but I ignored her.

"I'll call her whatever the hell I want!" Jess screamed at me. "Is this how it always is when I'm gone? You find some new girl to fuck while I'm away?"

"What? No!" I said quickly. "No, it's never been like that, I'd never do that—"

"That's pretty hard to believe, considering what I just saw," Jess spat. She turned her attention to Amanda. "How do you think Josh would feel, knowing you cheated on him with his best friend?"

Tears had started in Amanda's eyes now, and I saw her wince at Jessica's words. "Josh and I broke up," she choked out.

"Aw, I'm sorry to hear that," Jessica said mockingly, with absolutely no sympathy in her face. "So you went to dear Matt here as a rebound?"

"No!" Amanda said, looking horrified. "I wouldn't do that—"

"Again," Jessica interrupted, "I find that hard to believe, given the circumstances." She turned away from Amanda and back to me, and it seemed that the majority of her anger had blown out. Now she just looked...broken.

"I can't believe you would do this to me," she whispered. "How could you?"

"I'm sorry," I managed to say. "I didn't mean—this was never supposed to—" Feeling helpless and at a loss of words, I took another step towards her. Suddenly her anger flared up again, as raw as it had been before.

"I said, don't come near me," she hissed, her voice dangerously low. "Don't take another fucking step towards me."

"Jess—"

"You know, I never thought you were that kind of guy," she said, her voice still calm although anger was flashing in her eyes. "I didn't think you'd _ever_—"

"It's not—"

She acted like she couldn't hear me. "—Cheat on me. I thought you were better than that. I guess we're all wrong sometimes, huh?"

"Listen—"

Rather than calm her down, my interruptions seemed to make her even more furious. "No, _you_ listen!" she shouted at me. "I don't want to hear any of your goddamn excuses! We're _done_."

"What?" I said weakly.

"You heard me. We're done!"

"Jess, please—"

"You know what? Just fuck off, Matt," she said coldly. "I don't want to hear anymore; I think you've hurt me enough. Just get out."

"But—"

"You heard me." Her voice was as hard as steel. "Get. Out."

Not knowing what else I could do or say, I left.

I had really fucked up this time. Feeling oddly empty, like all my organs had shrunken up, I pulled open the door to my car and slid inside. For a moment I allowed myself to sit there, resting my head on the steering wheel and blinking back tears, before I realized Amanda would soon be escaping the apartment as well. She was the last person I needed to see right now.

Maybe it would be better if I never saw her again.

I pulled away from the front of the apartment and took off down the street, taking out my anger on the pedal. There was only one place I could think of to go, really. I couldn't go to see Mike or Ian, because they could never know about what had happened, and obviously I couldn't see Josh—not that I knew where he was. I couldn't visit any of my other friends, because I couldn't bear to tell them. I was too ashamed.

My sight was blurred with tears and my head filled with convoluted thoughts; I missed the winding road the first time I passed it and had to turn around. I was driving recklessly fast, given the condition of the road and the quality of the light, but I couldn't bring myself to care. I just needed to get _away_, even though I knew being at the fort probably wouldn't make me feel any better.

I slowed down as I approached the small copse of trees. There was already a car parked by the shoulder, and as I drove closer, I recognized it.

Josh. What was he doing here?

Part of me wanted to drive off as fast as I could in the opposite direction, but most of me was curious. Was this where Josh had been spending most of his time, when none of us could contact him? I remembered the plastic bag he had shoved into his pocket on Friday, the way he had been acting, and my stomach twisted.

No. Josh wouldn't...

I had to find out for sure. I figured I could check on him, and if I was quiet enough I could get out before he even saw me. With everything that had happened recently, I hadn't found time to worry about Josh—and I hadn't really wanted to, given that I was still kinda pissed at him.

Hoping I wouldn't regret this, I parked my car just behind Josh's and made my way toward the trees. It was dark under their leaves, and for a moment I couldn't see anything at all.

And then I saw a crumpled shape lying on the ground.

It wasn't—it couldn't be—But I couldn't kid myself too much; Josh and I were the only ones here. Quickly I walked over to his body, trying not to think the worst.

He was lying on his side, his legs slightly folded. Even in the darkness I could tell his face was deathly pale and—was he breathing?

"Josh!" I shouted, feeling panicked. "JOSH!" He didn't move, didn't even stir, even though I thought I had shouted loud enough to wake the dead. "Josh! Please, wake up..."

It was then that I noticed the plastic bag clutched in one hand, and the joint in the other, and everything fell into place.

I had realized it a couple of days before, of course, on Friday, but I hadn't wanted to—I didn't want to believe it, I didn't think Josh would ever sink to that again. And then I had pushed it out of my mind. I had been too goddamned selfish to notice my own best friend's problems; I had been fooling around with his ex-girlfriend while he had been getting high every night.

Pushing down the self-hatred and guilt that threatened to choke me, I pulled out my phone with a shaking hand. I couldn't stop the tears from overflowing my eyes and dripping down my cheeks as I dialled 911.


	22. Baby, Please Come Home

Leilani and I seemed to be under the impression that it would take at least week before we could bring Tristan home. Fortunately, we could not have been more wrong. As Wednesday evening rolled in, the doctor came over to examine our son.

"It looks like this little one has made a remarkably fast recovery," the doctor explained.

"So what does this mean?" Leilani asked eagerly.

"Well, as long as you're able to fill out a bit of paperwork, you may take him home today," he smiled.

My heart was pounding so fast, I thought it was going to burst out of my chest. After over two months of not being able to communicate with my son, I could finally bring him home. We could be a family again. I looked over to smile at Leilani who looked to be on the verge of happy tears.

"I don't know how to thank you," she exclaimed to the doctor.

"Hey, it's my job," the doctor smiled while calling over the nurse. "Leslie here will take you to the front desk."

Leilani and I were beaming as we followed the nurse down the dull hallways, which actually seemed to feel a lot brighter than they did yesterday. I felt as though I was seeing everything in technicolor and I could finally breathe.

"We just need you to sign a few papers in order to release Tristan," the nurse explained with a smile.

Leilani and I scanned the paperwork and signed where necessary with our overly shaking hands. I handed my pen to the nurse and we began to make our way back to the ICU where Tristan was sleeping.

"I'll leave you three alone to pack your things," the nurse smiled while shutting the door.

Completely blinded by a whole range of emotions, I grabbed Leilani's beautiful face and kissed her with all my might. "Tristan's coming home!"

Leilani giggled and kissed me back before reaching her arms around me for a hug. "You're an amazing dad, Mike. You know that?"

I wrapped my arms around her. "On the contrary, I think we're both amazing parents," I smiled.

She released her arms and smiled back while walking over to pack up Tristan's things. It took a few more hours than expected before Tristan could leave, and when we were finally on our way home, we decided to stop at McDonald's for a late dinner.

"The kid just doesn't know when to wake up, eh?" I joked as Leilani and I watched our beautiful son sleep while we shared a large fries.

"He's had a long day," Leilani grinned. "I'm sure he'll have lots of energy tomorrow."

As my wife and I paid and walked out the door, I had an unusual sinking feeling in my stomach as I heard a loud gunshot-like sound in the distance. "What was that?" I panicked.

"Probably just fireworks…" Leilani's voice trailed off as she looked around nervously.

Fireworks in December?

We paused for a moment, but decided to think nothing of it and stepped into our car.

"DID YOU SEE THAT?" Leilani yelled as we drove past Ian's apartment.

"See what?" I asked, hitting the breaks.

"I just saw a guy pointing a gun at some girl!" she shouted with terror in her eyes.

I immediately turned around and parked my car outside Ian's apartment.

"Stay in the car," I instructed as I stepped out of the vehicle. I heard Leilani shout something, but I completely tuned her out to the sight I saw before my eyes. A group of large, husky looking guys were surrounding a couple which, at first, I wasn't able to make out. Suddenly, a familiar lanky figure turned around.

"Mike!" Ian shouted. "Get outta here!"

I didn't know how to respond. I turned to see a tall, dark-haired girl standing inches away from one of the large, intimidating men. This girl was far too beautiful to have a gun pointed to her face.

"Dammit, Casselman," said one of the guys, "how many boyfriends do you have?" Laughter erupted amongst the men; however the guy holding the gun remained sickeningly calm.

"Shut up!" shouted the guy with the gun as he turned towards me, making sure his Magnum Revolver didn't leave its position. I stood motionless, mentally trying to remember where I had placed my phone.

Ian stared at me with pleading eyes as I began to slowly walk towards the gunman. "What's going on here?" I asked bravely.

"Explain, Casselman," shouted one of the guys.

"This is Eddie," Ian nodded his head towards the tall man, his hands not leaving his pockets. I followed his eyes to the tall man who had his gun to the girl. I suddenly remembered Ian's story. These must have been the men who were nagging him for money.

"I thought you said by the end of the week," I said hesitantly.

"Sometimes people change their minds," Eddie smirked, holding his gun higher as he fired a shot into midair. So _that's_where the 'fireworks' were coming from. I looked to see the girl jump as Eddie pulled the trigger. Tears began rolling down her face as he pointed the gun back to her. She remained surprisingly calm.

"Okay, okay, I'll give you the money," I answered. Thankfully, I had my chequebook and a pen in my jacket. "How much again?"

"$15K," Eddie responded while lowering his gun and eying Ian suspiciously.

I finished off the cheque with my signature and handed it to Eddie, "Here you fucking go."

Eddie looked as though he was about to say something, but smirked instead and motioned the rest of the gang to leave. Eddie followed behind them. "See ya, Casselman!"

"What a tool," shouted one of the guys before more laughter erupted in the group. As the laughter faded away, I turned to look at Ian and the dark haired girl.

"Thanks man," Ian smiled, "I'll pay you back soon, I promise."

"That won't be necessary," I chuckled, "especially considering you're probably broke as fuck."

Ian laughed louder than expected, but I couldn't blame him; he was probably overwhelmed with joy of finally getting rid of Eddie and the guys.

"Are you okay?" I turned to the girl.

"I'm fine," she smiled. "I don't know how to thank you."

"It's really not a problem," I replied. "I'm Mike by the way." I reached out my hand.

"Oh right!" Ian jumped in while putting his hand on the girl's shoulder, "This is Lily, my—uhhhh—girlfriend!"

Lily looked up at Ian and laughed. "Really?"

"Sure," he replied. As the two of them hugged, I looked over to Leilani who was giving me a warm smile. Finally, things were falling into place.

Suddenly, Ian's phone rang. He looked at the screen and grinned. "Hang on, it's Matt," he said before answering. "Hey man, how's it going?"

Lily and I shared a light conversation while Ian began pacing on the phone. She seemed really sweet and I was so happy Ian finally found somebody, especially considering the recent circumstances in his life.

Ian hung up the phone with a panicked look on his face.

"What's wrong?" I asked immediately.

He paused for a moment before the words slipped out of his mouth. "Josh is in the hospital."


	23. The Bitter in You and the Quitter in Me

**Author's Note: So, before you read the shitstorm that is this chapter (I mean that in the best way, of course) I'd just like to welcome all our new readers, as we've seemed to gain a fair few over the past couple of days. As a reminder, I'm SamMasterpiece on twitter and Jackie is jackienaccache - follow us, because we're awesome.**

**If you're looking for other fanfictions, I have two more Marianas Trench ones. This is My Life is told from the perspective of a fan, and I've been told it's extremely relateable; Seven Years is a Harry Potter/Marianas Trench crossover for those of you who love both those things with all your heart, like me. They're both on hold at the moment as I try to keep this story constantly updated, but they WILL be updated, I promise.**

**And that's enough self-whoring for now. Continue on.  
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><p>I sat in the waiting room with my hands clasped between my knees to hide their shaking. As soon as we had arrived at the hospital, Josh had been rushed off to the ICU and I had been left behind. Now I was just waiting anxiously for the others to show up.<p>

The paramedics hadn't said much to me after they had arrived at the hideout with lights flashing and sirens blaring, and had loaded Josh onto a stretcher and into the back of the ambulance. They told me that he had overdosed, which I had pretty much figured out for myself, and that they weren't sure if he was going to make it.

I bowed my head and squeezed my eyes shut at the thought. What if he didn't make it?

I wouldn't be able to live with myself. I had fought with Josh, I had fooled around with the girl he loved; I had ignored every sign given to me about the trouble he was in and hadn't offered my help when he needed it most.

Fuck. Fuck, fuck, fuck. This was by far the worst night of my life.

I was sitting with my head in my hands, my whole body shaking, when I remembered Amanda. I really didn't want to think about her right now—God knew where we stood at the moment. But I knew she still loved Josh—wasn't that what had gotten us into this mess in the first place?—and she ought to know what had happened.

The last thing I wanted to do was call her so soon after running away from her, especially with such terrible news, but there was no way around it. I refused to let myself run away from this, not when my best friend was dying.

Taking a deep breath, I pulled out my phone and dialled Amanda's number.

"Matt, I'm sorry, I shouldn't've—" she said the second she picked up the phone, but I couldn't listen to her apologies right now, I just _couldn't_.

"Josh is in the hospital," I said shortly, and then hung up before she could pull me in with her words again.

_Josh._ Josh was the one I needed to be thinking about, not my tangled feelings for Amanda; I couldn't think about my own problems because Josh's were so much bigger. I needed to be there for him like I had told him I always would be, and hopefully it wasn't too late for him to accept my help.

I don't know how long I sat there with my head in my hands, my eyes squeezed tightly shut against my incriminating thoughts and the tears that threatened to overflow.

"Matt?" a voice questioned softly, and I looked up to see both Mike and Ian standing there. Worry was etched into the lines of their faces, and Mike in particular looked like he hadn't slept in awhile.

"Yeah?" I said, my voice hoarse with repressed emotion. I didn't really know what else to say, not when the reality of Josh's secret hung between us like a wall.

"Just when I thought I'd left hospitals behind for good," Mike muttered, averting his gaze. His words made it through my hazy mind, and something clicked.

"You—?"

Mike smiled tightly. "Tristan was released today," he said. "He woke up for the first time yesterday."

"That's—that's great," I managed to say, but I couldn't put any real enthusiasm behind my words. I was numb.

"Yeah," Mike said, but he didn't sound overly excited either.

"Just when things were finally going right," Ian mumbled. He looked angry, and upset, and confused. "Just when things were going my fucking way, for once. How could he—" He broke off, tears sparkling in his eyes, and sank down into the chair next to me.

How could he? How could Josh travel down this path again, after he had _promised_? I found that as upset as I was, I was angry too—because how could Josh make me sit through torture like this, again? How could he even consider lying to me _again,_ after it had worked out so fucking well the first time?

How could he let himself fall into the same trap that had taken hold of him when we were sixteen? How could he even consider going back to the drug that had almost killed him? The drug that might kill him yet?

And what the hell would I do if Josh died? What would the band do?

That thought almost made me laugh, because, of course, Marianas didn't exist without Josh. Josh _was_ Marianas Trench; he was our front man, our anchor, our muse.

I came to the realization that tears had started again in my eyes and a few stray ones had rolled down my cheeks, and both Mike and Ian were looking at me with concern. It hit me with a sudden shock that they didn't know the whole story yet. I hadn't been able to tell Ian much when I had called him, other than that Josh was in the hospital from a heroin overdose.

"They said—" I choked on my words, and had to swallow and blink a few times before I could continue. "They said that he might not make it."

The pair of them stared at me in shock for a moment, before Mike followed Ian's lead and sank into the chair on my other side. "Fuck," he breathed, running a hand across his eyes.

I was silent, remembering the way Josh had looked when I'd stumbled across him by the hideout, looking for all the world like he was dead already. Even as I had sat beside him in the ambulance I had to keep reminding myself that he was alive, watching carefully for the telltale rising and falling of his chest.

"I should've known," I managed at last, my voice strangled. "I've been through this with him before, I should have recognized it before—" I had recognized it; I just hadn't been willing to believe it. "—before it was too late."

Maybe it wasn't yet too late, and I clung onto this thought, this string of hope, as time passed and the three of us sat in silence.

"Um, hi," someone said quietly, and this time when I looked up it was to see Amanda standing there, her eyes red and her mascara smeared, almost identical to the way I had seen her after she had broken up with Josh.

"Hi," I said hesitantly, not meeting her eyes. Looking at her would remind me of how she made me feel, and I couldn't—I couldn't—

She cleared her throat awkwardly, looking anywhere but at me. "Have you—have you heard anything new?"

"No. No one's told us fucking anything." I was aware that both Mike and Ian were staring at us, clearly sensing the awkward tension that hung between Amanda and me. "Of course, who cares if they tell us whether he's fucking dying or not..."

Amanda emitted a small gasp, and I remembered that I hadn't let her in on that part of the story either. "You don't think...he's actually dying, do you?" she whispered.

I didn't answer, instead staring at the floor beneath my feet and willing the stinging in my eyes to go away.

"He can't," she said softly, pathetically. "He can't die, he can't—I _love_ him." She said this as if the admission would make Josh dying impossible; and although I had already known, it still hurt to hear it, especially after everything she had put me through.

"Last time I checked, that never changed anything," I said, rather nastily. "Especially with the way you give love away."

Amanda let out a small choking sob, but there wasn't enough emotion left in my body for me to regret my words. She had hurt me, Jessica had hurt me, Josh had hurt me, and now all I wanted was to hurt someone back.

"Maybe if you hadn't broken up with him, none of this would have happened..."

"Matt, stop," Mike said warningly as Amanda started crying in earnest. I looked up from my careful study of the floor to see she had turned away from me and wrapped her arms around her small, shaking body, and shame flooded my face.

"I'm sorry," I muttered. "I didn't mean that—"

"But it's true," Amanda choked out, her words so muffled I almost couldn't understand them. "It's all my fault—"

"No, it's not," I said sincerely, suddenly feeling terrible. "If it's anyone's fault, it's mine. I've known him the longest, I should have known—"

"We all should have known," Ian murmured sadly. "We've all known him long enough, we all knew he was acting strange—"

"But you guys at least had other things to worry about," I interjected. "I was just being selfish."

"Not selfish, Matt," Mike said gently. "You're one of the least selfish people I know."

I snorted at that; surely the way I had acted over the past weeks had been the epitome of selfishness. But before we could continue our argument further, a deep voice called from across the room.

"Matthew Webb?" A tall, dark doctor was standing there, looking grave. But that was how doctors were supposed to look, right? It didn't mean—

Slowly I stood, my legs shaking beneath my weight, and made my way over to the doctor. "Y-yes?" I asked him cautiously.

"You came in with Joshua Ramsay earlier this evening, is that correct?"

"Yes, sir," I said, my heart suddenly pounding very fast in my chest. I glanced pleadingly back at the others, and they rose to come stand with me. "Can we go see him?" I asked, because the obvious question couldn't force its way past the blockage in my throat.

"I suppose that'd be alright," he said slowly, "but it's not good. We—" He broke off, a shadow of pain crossing his face. I had a fleeting impression that he had given news like this far too many times, and it never got any easier.

"I'm sorry," he said heavily, as we all waited for the inevitable. "But...there's a good chance he's not going to make it."


	24. This is Where I Scream From

"It's been a week."

"I know."

"At least his heart rate's normal."

"He's still in a fucking coma."

"This is all my fault."

"Yeah, it is."

"Matt, stop."

Matt?

"No, he's right."

"Amanda, it's not your fault!"

Amanda?

"Yeah, he's the one who's been a fucking dick to us.."

Oh really?

"It's not like he could help it!"

Thank you.

"He CHOSE to do heroin."

"Not really; the doctor said he'd been off depression meds for a while."

Doctors? Wait, where was I?

"And he CHOSE to come off of those."

"Maybe he ran out?"

"Don't be stupid."

"Shut up!"

Okay, this was getting out of hand; it was time I got up and fixed this. But I couldn't move.

"I fucking hate this room."

A long silence followed this sinister remark and I was finally able to think clearly. Suddenly, everything fell into place; I was clearly just asleep at the studio and my band mates were arguing. But weren't they talking about doctors? And why was Amanda there? What the fuck was going on?

"Shit Josh, wake up!"

Okay, okay; I'll wake up.

I attempted to open my eyes, but failed. This felt abnormal; I couldn't even do simple tasks like moving or even breathing. Wait—how was I still alive? All of a sudden, I began to tune out the faint chatter around me, and noticed all the beeping. Before I could process another thought, I heard what sounded like a door opening.

"You guys are gonna have to leave," said a deep voice. "We need to run a few more tests."

Tests? Where the fuck was I? I tried to recall the latest events; but I couldn't remember anything past the fight with the band. Hell, I could hardly even remember that. I felt like I was dreaming; like this wasn't real. It was like that moment in between sleep—I was still aware of what was happening, but my body felt completely numb. I was senseless, deadened; I couldn't move. I wanted to, but I couldn't... How did this happen? Where was I?

I heard a symphony of voices yelling on top of each other before the sound of a door closing.

"Get Leslie to take care of them," said the deep voice.

Leslie?

"Yes, doctor," said a female voice before the door opened and closed again.

Doctor?

It was then that I knew I wasn't at the studio. I was abruptly hit with trepidation and distress as my mind began to piece together what had happened. I didn't overdose, did I?

"Any progress?" I heard another female voice ask.

"No," responded the deep voice, "I'm worried he might go into a vegetative state."

"Meaning you'll eventually have to—"

"—take him off life support."

Wait, what? Was I dying? No, I couldn't be. It was just a little bit of heroin.

I heard the female voice let out a sigh. "Should I tell the others?"

"Not yet," responded the deep voice, "let me run a few more tests."

They wouldn't actually take me off life support, would they? I needed to do something, but I was reminded I couldn't. I couldn't fucking move. How could I have done this again? How could I have gone down this path and hurt so many people? What would my family think of me now? And my band? And Amanda? And my fans? Shit—what would the fans think? For years I'd been preaching about overcoming shit like this. What would happen to Marianas Trench after I woke up? What if I didn't wake up?

I tried to cleanse these scary thoughts out of my head. I was aware of what was happening at the moment, right? So I should be fine…right?

Moments later, I heard the deep voice sigh. "If he doesn't wake up in a week, we'll have to pull the plug."

What? No! Goddammit, I'm alive! Listen to me! Can't you hear me?

"I'll go tell them," responded the female voice.

I heard the door open and close again, followed by silence. I needed to prove to these idiots that I could hear them, but I was beginning to believe there was nothing I could do. Maybe I was better off dead. Maybe the world would be a better place without Josh Ramsay there to ruin it. I was an insolent, selfish, insensitive prick. I didn't deserve the life I was given. As much as I'd denied it over the past few weeks, I didn't deserve Amanda. She had been nothing but a good girlfriend, and I ruined it. And to think she was messing around with my best friend? What was I thinking? I was such an idiot. I didn't know what the future held, nor did I really care.

But I did know one thing was for sure: I really wouldn't give a shit if I died right now.


	25. A New Perspective

I did my best to visit Josh every day, but it was incredibly difficult to do so when the boys kept coming in and out of the hospital. The second I found out Josh was on life support, I asked the nurse's to warn me whenever the boys came to visit. I felt incredibly guilty keeping this from Ian, but I didn't know how to break it to him.

"Morning, Ms. Ramsay," chimed one of the nurses as I walked in.

"Morning," I replied solemnly, "Where's Leslie?"

"Out sick today," she responded.

Dammit. Leslie was the only nurse who fully understood how important it was that I kept my cover.

"Can you warn me then?" I sighed.

"I'll do my best," the nurse nodded.

I hung my head as I slowly walked over to the room where he was held. I closed the door behind me and sat on the chair nearest to his bed. As I watched him lay there, pale and motionless, I couldn't help but feel like this was all my fault. Maybe if I hadn't introduced him to Alexa, he wouldn't have cheated on Amanda and then he wouldn't have overdosed and…

I shook my head vigorously. This wasn't my fault. The doctors said he'd been smoking it for a while. But still, I'd known him my whole life; I should've recognized the signs.

I was taken back to reality when I heard the door open.

"How's he doing?" I asked the doctor who looked at me with saddened eyes.

"Not great," the doctor shrugged.

My heart sank and I felt tears flood my eyes. The doctor seemed to notice this immediately. "We're doing our best, don't worry."

"I know," I responded. "Do you think he'll be home for Christmas?"

"The chances of that are quite slim," he answered.

"I understand," I sighed. Why did I even ask? Christmas was three days away. We'd need a miracle for him to wake up by then. Fuck, we'd need a miracle for him to wake up period.

"I'll leave you two alone," the doctor said while scribbling down a few things on his clipboard and closing the door behind him. I reached over to hold Josh's hand, which felt cold as ice.

"I'm so sorry, Josh." I choked back tears. What was the point in even talking to him? It wasn't like he could hear me.

After ten long and discomforting minutes of sitting and watching as he was force-fed fluids, I decided I'd go fetch his sisters, who were probably still in bed. I stood up timidly and began to make my way out the door, when I bumped into the one person I'd been avoiding all week.

"Lily?" shouted Ian as he began walking closer to me.

"Hi," I responded.

"I haven't seen you all week…" his voice trailed off. "…Where've you been?"

I couldn't take this. I couldn't lie—not to Ian.

"I've been visiting Josh," I responded slowly.

"Really?" he inquired, sounding very confused, "Why? I mean, that's very sweet of you…but you hardly know him."

"On the contrary," I responded nervously, "he's my cousin."

A long, distressing silence followed my disclosure as a blank look hit Ian's face. I waited apprehensively for his response, but got nothing in return; I simply watched him walk away towards Josh's room.

"Ian!" I called out, chasing after him.

No response.

"Ian, what's wrong?" I yelled as tears started to roll down my cheeks.

No response.

I continued to chase him, but made it to Josh's room just in time for Ian to slam the door right in my face. I started to open it hesitantly before slamming it behind me. "What the fuck is wrong with you?"

No response.

"IAN, TALK TO ME!" I yelled.

No response.

"IAN!"

"DO YOU UNDERSTAND HOW SICK I AM OF LIES?" he finally shouted.

"You're seriously getting mad at me?" I exclaimed.

"Yes," he responded coldly.

"Ian, I wanted to tell you!" I explained. "I just…I didn't know how and…" my voice trailed off.

"First Josh lies to us all about doing heroin, and now this?" He looked to be on the verge of tears.

I looked up at him as he was staring at Josh. "I—I didn't want you to worry about anything with everything you had going on. I felt guilty that I had introduced him to Alexa and—"

"_You_introduced Josh to Alexa?" he reprimanded.

"I—I didn't think—" I tried to find the right words.

"You're right," he said.

"What?" I inquired.

"You didn't think," he responded.

"So you're blaming me?" I asked.

No response.

"IAN!"

"What do you expect me to do? Do you expect me to sit here and make you feel better when my best friend is fucking dying? Or how about the fact that my girlfriend lied to me? I THOUGHT I KNEW YOU, LILY! CLEARLY, I COULD NOT HAVE BEEN MORE WRONG!" he shouted before walking out the door and slamming it behind him.

"Ian, wait!" I called out. But I couldn't bring myself to chase after him. Instead, the doctor came rushing in.

"What's going on in here?" shouted one of the doctors.

"Nothing," I wiped my eyes, "Nothing, it's fine. I'll just—I'll just leave."

I ran out the door and called Sara, however it took multiple tries before I got it right due to my shaking hands. She said she'd be over in a few minutes, but I couldn't stand to wait in that dreaded hospital. I made my way outside and leaned against the cold, brick wall as tears fell harder and harder down my face.

"Shit, Lily," I heard a familiar voice call out before I felt arms reach around me.

I wiped my face, "I'm glad you made it," I looked at her, "Where's the rest of them?"

"They said they'll come later," she responded. The two of us made our way back inside the hospital and I was getting ridiculously insincere sympathetic looks.

"What are they all staring at?" asked Sara.

"I had a fight with Ian," I responded.

"Ian?"

"Long story."

Sara nodded and gave me you'll-tell-me-later eyes before we walked into Josh's room. She had only seen him a few days this week, so it was pretty understandable when she began to bawl at the sight of her broken little brother.

I sat across the room and watched Sara hold Josh's hand. I was unable to stay near him for very long without feeling my stomach twist uncomfortably. I was just starting to process the last few minutes in regards to what happened with Ian, and I was taken aback when I heard a knock.

"Hi," Alexa said as she stood motionless in the doorway.


	26. Lost and Useless

**Author's Note: Sorry about the delay on this chapter. I finished writing it last night, but due to the fact that Jackie and I weren't online at the same time all last night or today, I couldn't put it up. At least it's longer than the other chapters.  
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><p>"Here's the thing," the doctor sighed, closing the door to Josh's room behind her gently and turning to the group of us clustered in the hallway, anxiously awaiting news. "Mr. Ramsay's condition hasn't changed in the past week; you knew this already. But if he shows no sign of improvement soon, we're going to have to take him off life-support."<p>

There was silence for a moment, as we all let this sink in.

"_What_?" I shouted. "You can't do that!"

The doctor looked at me calmly. "He's living through a machine at the moment. To keep him alive after we have ascertained that there will be no improvement in his condition would be counterproductive, and a waste of resources."

"You're talking about _killing_ him," I hissed, terrified by the idea.

"It's not killing, Mr. Webb, if he's not really alive in the first place."

"Is that what you believe?" Mike cut in angrily. "My son was just in a coma for almost three months, does that mean he wasn't fucking alive to you?"

"I'm sure that was a little different. If it weren't for the machine, Mr. Ramsay would be dead right now. I know you're all looking for a Christmas miracle or something to that effect, but I really can't tell you anything more promising. I'm sorry."

"Is there...is there no chance of him waking back up?" Amanda asked quietly.

For the first time, the doctor's professional manner dropped, and she looked at Amanda with sympathy. "I wouldn't say that. There's a chance that his condition could turn around. It's not very big, but it's there. Are you his girlfriend?"

"Ex," Amanda said uncomfortably, glancing at me. I did my best to ignore her.

"Oh," the doctor said awkwardly. "Well, regardless...it is extremely unlikely his condition will change in the next couple of hours. Dr. McKimmon will be running his tests for awhile yet, and it's still early. You all might as well go home and get some rest."

"Like hell," I snapped, suddenly angry again—_still_, since I'd spent the last week in a constant state of anger and depression. "You'll probably pull the plug on him the second we leave, since you don't consider that _murder_."

"Matt..." Mike said warningly, as he had so many times over the past week. He was always the one to calm my temper, when it flared at the slightest urging. Taking a deep breath, I closed my eyes and counted to three. My anger faded away as quickly as it had come, leaving me mostly tired; it was only seven in the morning, which was much too early, especially when I had gotten hardly any sleep at all the past week.

"I'm sorry," I muttered for the doctor, but instead of meeting her eyes I kept mine trained on the floor and spun on my heel, rapidly walking away from them all. I needed out, I needed to be alone: the hospital felt like a trap, when one spent too long in it. It made me feel sorry for Josh, who had spent the past week locked within these walls, but then I reminded myself that he had seen none of it. He didn't have to stare at the unadorned walls, painted a light, robin's egg blue, for hours on end, waiting for some sort of news or permission to visit again.

It was driving me insane. It didn't help that Amanda was there, always, and all I wanted to do was avoid her. It hurt to look at her, to listen to her talk about Josh with such love in her voice. And Mike and Ian still didn't know what had happened between us—I hoped they never would—although I knew they could sense the tension that was there.

Quickly I strode down the white and blue tiled hallways, which were mostly empty at this time, and out the front door, into the clean, crisp air. It was cold out, and still almost pitch-black, and I shivered as I made my way to the dimly-lit parkade, looking for my car.

It was too early for anyone in my parents' house—where I was staying at the moment, as Jess had kicked me out of our apartment—to be awake, and anyway, I wasn't quite ready to return there yet. At times it seemed as much of a trap as the hospital.

Instead, I found myself driving towards the studio, where I hoped I could let music comfort me, as it had so many times before. I had my own key, as did everyone in the band—although the studio belonged to Josh, we all came and went with regularity.

Predictably, the studio was dark when I pulled up in front; after all, who else would be here? I let myself in, flicking on lights as I went, noting that the air smelt stale, like burnt coffee. I wondered if anyone had been in here since Josh's overdose. Probably not; when we weren't with Josh, we were trying to catch some sleep, and I knew Mike was desperate to spend some much-needed time with his family now that Tristan had woken up.

And _there _was irony—how was it that one loved one could leave the hospital healthy and happy, just hours before another entered it sickly and half-dead?

I found myself in the recording room, where consoles lined the walls and an acoustic guitar sat propped up in the corner. I remembered when I had been in here with Josh a couple of weeks ago, and together we had written the lyrics to By Now. That was the day we had had our first real fight in years, the day everything had gone to shit between us—I had known something was wrong, but had chosen to ignore it.

Sitting on the floor and pulling the guitar into my lap, just as Josh had done that day, I began to strum it absently, lost in thought. Surely everything was my fault—even though Mike and Ian were just as capable of recognizing the signs as me, I was the one who had screamed at Josh, pushed him away and stolen his girlfriend.

And I had never intended it to end like this. Sure, I had been pissed at him, but I never thought—

I didn't think something like this could happen, not again. Not after we had been through it the first time. I truly didn't think Josh could be that stupid; I thought he had finally learned how to say goodbye to his demons. I guess there were some things he couldn't even tell his best friends, not if the doctors were correct when they told us this had been going on for months, maybe even as long as a year.

Slowly, I began to hum along with the chords I was strumming, words coming unbidden to my mind. I stopped abruptly, looking around frantically for paper. We _always_ kept some in this room—the recording room was often referred to as our "Inspiration Room." And although I rarely wrote songs, there was one in my head, just waiting to come out.

Eventually I found some paper and a pen in the drawer of a desk in the equipment room, and I scrambled back to my place on the floor, scribbling frantically, trying to remember the words and melody in my head.

I was lost in a memory of some ten years past, when Josh had run out of places to go and had at last come running to me. At last I had found out what was going on with him, why he would disappear for days at a time without notice and refused to let me in.

_This voice I've heard before..._

I _had_ heard it before, so why had I refused to listen this time around?

_When you need love..._

I should have been there. I promised I always would be. And if Josh made it out of this alive, I _would_ be there.

_Run into these cautious arms..._

Too cautious. Neither Josh nor I were overly affectionate people, especially around each other.

The memory was calling for a second verse, one that took place almost a year later, when Josh emerged from rehab broken and shaken, but alive.

_This call I get again, it's 2 A.M. and you're numb..._

Insomnia had struck Josh most heavily when he was going through his withdrawal, and often he would call me just so we could talk, so he could chase his demons away.

The chorus came easily too, and it didn't ring of memory so much as the present, the future. My eyes stung as I wrote and hummed and strummed the guitar, and I couldn't stop the tears from falling. Less than an hour later I found myself staring at the crinkled piece of paper, a finished song.

Slowly, I scrawled a title across the top: _Goodbye Addict. _I read through the lyrics one more time, letting them wash over me and liking the way they sounded in my head. I was particularly proud of one line.

_We would walk through a war for some peace of mind. _

If these past couple of weeks hadn't been a war, I didn't know what was. I could only hope that things would turn out peacefully, in the end.

My musings were broken by a sharp knock at the studio door. I couldn't think of who it might be; Mike and Ian would have gone home—they still had homes to go to—and Amanda...well, Amanda wouldn't have come to see me. Sighing, I rose to my feet, wiped my watering eyes hastily, and made my way to the door.

A girl with ridiculously long red hair and blue eyes stood on the other side. It only took a second for me to recognize her as the girl who had come to the studio Friday night, the one Josh had stared at and then told to go away. What was her name? Alex? Alexa? Alexis? It didn't really matter; I had no intention of talking to her long enough to find out.

"Josh isn't here," I said to her, as coldly as I could manage. I couldn't think of another reason she would be there.

She looked faintly surprised. "Oh. Has he found a better place to spend his nights?"

How did this girl know so much about him? He had known her for what, three days? For some reason, just this simple statement made my anger flare. "You could say that. He's at the hospital."

"Fuck," the girl said softly. "I thought he had quit. I _told _him—"

"You told him _what_?" I asked, more confused and angry by the second. I had spent the last week being angry with myself, and now here was someone else I could take it out on.

The girl looked a little abashed. "Can I come in?"

I only stared at her and remained implacably in the doorway, blocking her off from the room inside. After a moment she sighed sadly.

"My name's Alexa," she said, her voice full of sorrow. "I came here to work with Josh a couple of weeks ago, to get him to sing with me and help me produce a song. It was all thanks to Lily, really—his cousin—we're roommates and best friends, and she thought maybe he could help me out."

I nodded. I had met Lily once, years and years ago, but hadn't seen her since. I had been under the impression that she and Josh weren't all that close.

"Anyway," Alexa continued after I didn't say anything, "it didn't take long for me to figure it out. I used to be a herion addict myself, and only narrowly escaped—I know the signs. I saw the bag—"

"You _knew?_" I interrupted. "You _knew_ this whole fucking time and didn't think to tell any of us? You didn't think that maybe we'd want to know, that maybe we'd want to help him before he fell into a fucking coma that he might never wake from?" My voice was growing louder by the second, and Alexa shied away.

"I'm sorry!" she cried. "I thought you knew—"

"We wouldn't have allowed it to keep happening if we had _known_."

"—and it wasn't until that Friday when there was that fight that I found out you didn't—"

"And you didn't think to tell us _then?_"

"I left," Alexa whispered, looking scared. "It became too much, being so close to the band I loved more than anything and finding out they weren't anything like what I thought."

I was too infuriated to even feel hurt or shocked or embarrassed by her words. "You shouldn't have left," I told her in a steely voice. "Not after you knew he needed you. And after leaving, you shouldn't have had the courage to come _back_."

With that I closed the door in her face and leaned against the other side, shaking with what I had just learned. Alexa had been no worse than me, I realized after my anger had calmed. I had known, just not in so many words; I had run away just as surely as she had.

After I was sure Alexa had left, I folded up a certain piece of paper and placed it in my pocket, before walking out of the studio, closing and locking the door quietly behind me.

It was late enough now that I felt safe in heading back to my temporary home. My sister, who happened to have the same name as a certain girl I was avoiding, opened the door to let me in. She was staying with my parents for the holidays, and she was close to Josh too; after all, we had all grown up together.

"Anything new?" Amanda asked, concerned, as I stumbled through the door to collapse on the couch.

"Nothing," I said heavily, tiredly. "Nothing at all."

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><p><strong>AN: Congrats to RamsaysCokeZero and KirstenDestinyR for guessing the title of the song used in this chapter. Maybe I'll do stuff like that more often. **

**As always, let us know what you think!**


	27. It's not Christmas at All

Before we even had time to step back and take a breath, Christmas was upon us. There was no time to prepare, but it didn't really matter; for Leilani and me, Tristan was the only gift we needed. In order to make his first Christmas something special, especially since he was here to spend it with us, we spent all of Christmas Eve putting up a tree, decorating the house, and lighting a fire in the hearth.

Things with Tristan still weren't perfect, although I supposed they were as perfect as they could be, given that he had only been out of the hospital for nine days. The doctors told us that there was still some scar tissue in the brain, and the affects of the concussion could linger for months yet; sometimes I'd catch him staring blankly into space or looking at us like he'd forgotten who we were.

It was something we'd have to get used to, that and the fact that Tristan's progress had been set back three months; where most babies could at least speak a few words, he was startlingly silent, and even his crawling was awkward. The doctors assured us that he would soon catch up, and I had to believe them.

These problems faded away on Christmas morning, as we showed Tristan his small pile of presents under our artificial tree, and helped him open them, and watched as he became more fascinated by the wrapping paper than by the gift itself. Quite unexpectedly, he broke into a peal of giggles, tossing the crumpled pieces of wrapping paper into the air so they fell upon him like ungainly pieces of snow. For a moment, Leilani and I only watched him, awed into silence—it had been months since we had heard Tristan's laugh—before we joined in.

God, it was the most amazing thing to allow myself to be _happy_ for once.

At ten thirty, I was forced to allow reality back in; I was to meet the rest of the guys at the hospital to visit Josh at eleven. I supposed Amanda would be there too—she always was, and I couldn't really blame her, despite the fact that she and Josh had broken up.

"I have to go now," I sighed to Leilani, pushing myself to my feet from where we sat among a sea of paper.

"Do you?" she said, a slightly pleading look in her eyes. "C'mon, Mike, it's _Christmas._ A day for family."

"A day for loved ones," I reminded her. "And as much as Josh was annoying us all before...before everything happened, he's still one of my best friends. I can't leave him alone on today of all days."

"It's not like he'll even know you're there," Leilani said, and she was right; it had been ten days, and Josh still hadn't stirred from his comatose state. It seemed more and more likely that he would never wake at all.

"That doesn't mean I shouldn't be," I said gently, bending down to kiss her on the forehead. "I won't be long, I promise."

I had spent too much time in hospitals lately, I reflected as I made my way towards the front entrance of the Vancouver General Hospital. I wanted nothing more than to be free of them altogether, to never have to walk down the halls that smelled of antiseptic again. Of course that wouldn't happen, not until Josh woke up or...

I pushed that thought away firmly. It was Christmas, and Josh _couldn't_ die.

Josh's room was already full when I arrived. Matt and Ian and Amanda were there, as I had expected, but so were Josh's parents and his two sisters. The windowsill by his bed was covered in cards and a miniature tree, only about a foot tall, sat on the table. It would have almost looked festive, if it weren't for Josh's still, pale body lying in the middle of it all, and the group of people gathered silently around him.

"Hey, Mike," Matt said, the first to notice my entrance. I noticed that he looked as tired and as sad as ever; his face had grown thinner over the past weeks.

"Hi," I said quietly; it seemed wrong to speak in normal tones in a hospital room, especially not when Josh was lying there, for all the world like he was sleeping. "How's everyone been?"

"I've been better," Ian said, the corner of his mouth quirking, and I almost laughed; it had been a stupid question. Miles and Corlynn, Josh's parents, hadn't even looked up when I entered. They were too busy staring at their son, and silent tears were running down Corlynn's cheeks.

"I can't believe he went back," Corlynn whispered, and it hit me with a sudden shock that they too had been through this before. I wondered how much more horrible it was this time around. Sara, Josh's older sister, put an arm around her shoulders and whispered words of comfort in her ear. I couldn't help but feel we were intruding on a family moment.

"Maybe we should wait outside," I said quietly to the others. "Let him have some time with his family."

"He's my family too," Matt murmured, but he followed me readily enough out into the hall and down to the other end where a small waiting area was. We had already spent hours there, seated on the hard blue couches, waiting for some sort of news.

Now we settled ourselves in a familiar manner, Ian and I on the couch in the middle and Amanda and Matt in the armchairs on either end, and sat in silence for a long time.

"It's not fair," Amanda cried out suddenly. "He always loved Christmas." A half smile curved my face unintentionally as I remembered how Josh had been at the band Christmas party last year, as excited as a little kid.

"Too bad that doesn't make a difference," Matt said moodily, staring at the floor. "He could just as easily die today as on any other day."

"Matt," I said wearily, as I had so many times over the past week. I could somewhat understand what he was feeling, but still, his constant outbursts were wearing on me. Especially when they were directed at Amanda, who looked ready to burst into tears at pretty much every turn. There was something going on between the two of them, I was sure of it, but I was too tired to ask; they were both old enough to figure out their problems on their own.

"Sorry," Matt muttered. "It's just—I'm so tired of _waiting._"

"Aren't we all," Ian murmured, quietly enough that I might have been the only one to hear him.

We were silent again, each lost in our own thoughts, until at last the Ramsay family exited Josh's room. "Thanks for leaving us alone," Miles said as they passed. "We just needed some time. It's hard—but then again, I suppose it's hard on you, too?"

We all nodded, and Miles looked at us sadly. "Well, Merry Christmas," he said, turning to leave.

"Merry Christmas," I called after him, although it didn't feel very merry at all.

There were enough chairs around Josh's bed for us to all sit. I noticed how Amanda took hold of his hand and how Matt watched her, a curious expression on his face before looking away determinedly. The others attempted to speak to Josh, but I said nothing; I had said enough words to a comatose body to know it made no difference.

We were just getting ready to leave when the door swung open behind us. Turning, I saw a girl with long dark hair and green eyes standing there—Ian's girlfriend, Lily.

"What are you doing here?" I exclaimed, shocked.

"The nurses told me you had left already," Lily said nervously. "But, um..." She glanced quickly at Ian. "I'm Josh's cousin."

"_You're_ Lily?" Matt said. "I haven't seen you in ages!"

"Not since we were children," Lily said with a small smile. "Nice to see you again, Matt...although maybe not under these conditions."

I was still at a loss for words. _Lily_ was Josh's cousin? I looked over at Ian, wondering if he had known. His features were stony and set.

"I'm...just here to visit Josh," Lily continued, shooting another glance at Ian. "I can leave, if you're not finished yet."

"No, we were just leaving," Ian said, scrambling to his feet and not quite meeting her eyes. "The room is yours." It was impossible to tell whether he was being sarcastic or not.

"Look," Lily said, still staring at him, "I'm sorry about—"

"Don't worry about it," Ian said roughly, and Matt and I exchanged confused glances.

"She could've at least acknowledged my existence," Amanda said once we were out in the hall, sounding a little hurt. "I've known her for years too, almost as long as I've known Josh."

"She's my girlfriend," Ian said, his voice still a little uneven. "Or was—I'm not entirely sure anymore."

"Dude, you dated her?" Matt exclaimed. "Why didn't you tell me?"

"The better question is, why didn't she tell _me_ she was Josh's cousin?"

"You didn't know?"

Ian shook his head, turning to walk away from us. "Not until three days ago, when she had no choice but to tell me."

The reason for his odd behaviour became clear to me, and I jogged to catch up to him. "Is it really so bad?"

"Yes," he said adamantly. "I'm so tired of lies. I'm sick of secrets."

"We all are. But it's Christmas. A time for forgiving." I had seen the way Ian had looked at Lily when I had found them ten days ago, and I knew he had never looked at another girl like that before. "You can't just let her go," I added softly.

Ian sighed, an angry exhale of breath. "You're probably right," he admitted.

"Of course I am." I forced a grin, and slowly he smiled back.


	28. I'm Not Sick of You Yet

**Author's Note: Sorry for the slow update. Stuff happened, Jackie went to the CNE (I was very jealous). Anyway, here you go.  
><strong>

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><p>I knew what I had to do; I just wasn't sure how to do it. My brain was so clogged up lately and it was virtually impossible to concentrate on anything. Knowing the state of things, my family was kind enough to come down to Vancouver for Christmas. Unfortunately, I spent most of my time in the hospital pacing in the waiting room. After a short, quiet Christmas dinner, I forced myself over to the dreaded hospital one last time before I called it a night.<p>

"You sure you can't stay for pumpkin pie?" my mom asked with heartbreaking eyes. "It's your favourite."

I felt like crying. "I can't, I need to see Josh once more. Save me a slice?"

"Of course." My mom gave me a warm smile.

I headed out the door and was hit by the overwhelmingly cold air. I shoved my hands in my pockets and practically sprinted to the hospital. As I walked through the parking lot, I noticed Lily's car.

Fuck.

I took a moment to think before I came to a decision.

"It's now or never, Ian," I said to myself.

I made my way over the entrance, silently rehearsing my apology to her. If she was in a decent mood, this might actually work.

As I approached Josh's room, I heard two faint female voices emerging on the other side of the door. Without thinking, I peeked through the small window on the wooden door to see who they were. Beside Josh's bed, I recognized Lily immediately. She was facing a familiar, beautiful girl with ridiculously long hair.

Alexa.

I wasn't quite sure what I had against Alexa, considering I've never had a conversation with the girl. It's just—there was something about her. She seemed like someone I couldn't trust. And considering the way Josh was ogling her the other day, it definitely didn't seem like she and him were just friends. This subconsciously led me to the conclusion that Josh must've cheated on Amanda with her which caused them to break up. I know Josh couldn't have started his heroin addiction because of the break up; but I was sure it certainly didn't help.

I quickly pressed my ear against the door and carefully listened in to what they were saying. Thankfully, I was able to recognize Lily's voice without question.

"Okay then why did you tell me to fuck off yesterday?" I heard Alexa yell.

"Because you ruined everything!" Lily screamed back.

"How did I ruin everything?" Alexa said more calmly.

"You're the reason all of this is happening!" Lily continued yelling. "You just told me that you knew Josh was addicted this whole time but you never told a soul!"

Alexa knew this whole fucking time? I wanted to barge right into Josh's room after hearing this, but decided against it. I had to keep listening.

"Oh come on!" Alexa replied. "As if you didn't know!"

"I DIDN'T!" shouted Lily.

"Bull," Alexa muttered under her breath.

"YOU'RE IMPOSSIBLE," Lily screeched, "AND WHAT'S WORSE, YOU THOUGHT IT WOULD BE A BRILLIANT IDEA TO SLEEP WITH HIM, DIDN'T YOU?"

"I didn't sleep with him," Alexa responded with an icy tone, "We made out. Big fucking whoop."

"You still made him cheat on his girlfriend," Lily responded.

"I didn't _make_him do anything," Alexa retorted. "Besides, at least I wasn't fucking the drummer this whole time."

"I wasn't fucking him," Lily said quickly. "And what does Ian have to do with anything?"

"You remained completely oblivious to everything going on with Josh." I heard Alexa walk across the room.

"SHUT THE FUCK UP," Lily screamed. "IT WAS _YOU_WHO KNEW THIS WHOLE TIME!"

"SO?" Alexa yelled back. "AT LEAST I WAS TRYING TO HELP HIM!"

"WELL, WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL US?"

"BECAUSE YOU WOULDN'T'VE DONE SHIT!"

"HOW CAN YOU BE SO SURE?"

"BECAUSE YOU DID SHIT THE FIRST TIME AROUND!"

"Shut the fuck up," Lily said coldly, "What do _you_know about what happened when he was sixteen?"

"Oh trust me, I know enough," Alexa responded. "Took you all two fucking years before you realized something was wrong with him."

There was a long, painful pause following Alexa's rude remark.

"Fuck you," Lily shot as I heard her walk across the room and open the door.

I jumped back immediately and pressed myself against the wall in hopes she wouldn't see me. Unfortunately for me, it didn't work out too well.

"What the fuck are you doing here?" Lily turned to me, tears running down her face.

"I—uhhh—" I scrambled for the right words.

"You—uhhh—" she mocked me. "You were spying on me?"

"No!" I yelled louder than expected, "I—I came to apologize."

"Well apology not accepted," she said as she stormed away.

My instincts took the best of me and I chased after her. "Lily!"

She kept walking.

"Lily, wait!"

She made her way to the parking lot.

"Lily, seriously! Wait!" I shouted.

She finally turned around.

"I honestly didn't mean to get so angry," I spat out every nice word I could find in my muddled mind. "You mean everything to me and I don't want to lose you!"

"J-Just—" she stuttered as I remained on edge for her next word. "Just leave me alone," she spat as she walked away in tears.

I wanted to chase after her, I really did. But my feet wouldn't budge. I couldn't tell if it was the fact that Josh was still inside, or maybe it was that I didn't _want_ to chase after her. Whatever the answer was didn't change the fact that I began to cry. Normally, tears don't come easily for a guy like me. But there I sat: bunched up in a ridiculous fetal position against the outside walls of the stupid hospital, bawling my fucking eyes out.


	29. I Breathe Disaster

**Author's Note: Get ready for tears...**

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><p>One of the most dreadful thing about being in a comatose state was the fact that it was absolutely impossible to tell how much time had passed. After Lily and Alexa's argument in my room on Christmas, I had completely lost track of how long I had until they were to take me off life support. The remarkable thing was, I wasn't as worried as I probably should've been. Perhaps it was due to the fact that Ian and my cousin were having a relationship without telling me; or maybe that Alexa thought our hook-up was 'no big deal'. Nevertheless, neither of those things should make anybody feel like they were better off dead. This is why I knew that it was undoubtedly because of what I heard on my last day of being alive.<p>

Matt had been sitting by my side, talking to me for quite a few hours now. As much as one would think I'd get weirded out by my best friend rambling on about how much he missed me, I kinda liked it. I missed Matt. He had been such an incredibly loyal and substantial friend. I wanted so badly to hug him and apologize for being suck a prick. I still felt guilty for accusing him of sneaking around with Amanda. He was my best friend; he'd never do such a thing.

Suddenly, I heard a door open.

"What are you doing here?" I heard a familiar female voice ask.

"I'm visiting my best friend," Matt replied. "Do you mind?"

Whoa, since when was Matt so cold to Amanda?

"I'm his girlfriend," she replied.

Matt snorted. "Don't make me laugh."

I heard the door slam. "You are so fucking full of it, you know that?"

"Am I?" Matt sneered.

"Yes, you are," she retorted.

What was going on?

"How can you live with yourself?" Matt asked. "Knowing that you're the reason he's lying there."

"ME?" Amanda screeched. "You're the one going behind your best friend's back!"

What?

"You're no better!" Matt yelled back. "I thought you still cared about him!"

"I do!"

"Then why did you kiss me? Why did you make out with me?"

WHAT?

"I could ask you the same thing," Amanda retorted.

"He was pissing me off…" Matt's voice trailed off.

"So?" Amanda replied.

"…and you were just…" Matt stuttered to a stop.

"…I was just…"

"I couldn't help myself okay? You're just too fucking beautiful."

_WHAT THE FUCK?_

"What?" Amanda asked, sounding shocked.

"Don't make me say it again," Matt warned.

"Say it again," Amanda instructed, "I dare you."

"No."

"Say it."

"No."

"Just say it!"

"OH MY GOD. I FUCKING LIKE YOU, OKAY? You're the only fucking thing that's been on my mind for the past few weeks! Are you happy now?" Matt shouted.

Before Amanda had time to respond, before I even had time to even process the last couple of minutes, I heard a door swing open.

"Matt Webb?" I heard an annoyingly familiar deep voice call out.

"Yes?" Matt responded, sounding aggravated.

"Can I talk to you alone?" the doctor asked.

I heard the two of them walk out of the room, leaving just Amanda and I.

"I'm so sorry, Josh," she sighed.

Don't fucking talk to me.

"I just hope that when you wake up, we can fix all of this," she continued.

Never.

"I love you so much."

You're a fucking bitch.

I heard a door swing open followed by what sounded like a grown man sobbing.

"What's wrong?" Amanda asked.

"We're going to run some final tests," the doctor responded.

"No! Give him more time!" Amanda shouted.

"I'm sorry, Ms. McEwan," the doctor explained. "But Mr. Ramsay has gone into a vegetative state. Keeping him alive at this point is completely pointless."

_What? _No, I'm alive, dammit!

"You can't do this!" Matt yelled.

"I'll give you and his loved ones time to say your final goodbyes," the doctor said. "You can even be here when it happens."

"NO!" Amanda shrieked.

Shit. This must've been the day I was waiting for. As much as I absolutely despised my life at the moment, I realized now that I couldn't let myself die. I had to do everything I physically could do show everyone I was awake. And then I would never speak to them again.

"I'll go get the others," I heard a nurse call out.

Come on, Josh. Just twitch your hand or_ something_.

"Matt, you have to do something!" Amanda yelled. It sounded like she was crying.

"Like what?" Matt cried, sounding equally tearful.

I heard a door open followed by a multitude of footsteps walking in. I assumed the rest of my band had joined me, along with my dear family.

I had to live. I had to survive for my family and my fans. That was all I needed.

Thinking about my fans made my stomach churn. I didn't deserve such a loyal and compassionate following like the one I had. I remembered all the times people would come up to me over the past few weeks, asking for a picture and I wouldn't even acknowledge them for a second. How could a prick like me mean so much to thousands of people? I knew I had to make it up to them somehow, and that couldn't happen if I didn't wake up. Now.

A swarm of cries and pleas filled the room as I heard the doctor explain what was going to happen. It was quite simple, actually; they needed to run a few final tests to be sure I actually was brain-dead, after which they would turn off my life support.

"I'll give you all a moment," the doctor said solemnly before walking out.

Come on, Josh, wake up.

"Why won't he wake up?" I heard Lily cry out.

"Goddammit, Josh," Ian sobbed.

I heard a lot of muffled farewells and cries; however I was far too focused on moving a muscle to pay any attention. All I need was a finger twitch, a leg spasm, _something_. But no matter how hard I tried, I wouldn't fucking budge.

Minutes passed before I heard the doctor walk in again. "Are you all ready?"

"No," I heard Sara mutter under her breath.

"I truly cannot express how sorry I am," the doctor responded as he walked over to my bed.

HOLY SHIT, JOSH! MOVE!

Amanda began to wail.

MOVE! WAKE UP!

I didn't budge.

WIGGLE YOUR TOES! YOUR PINKY! ANYTHING!

Nothing.

FUCKING HELL! WAKE UP, JOSH!

Nothing.


	30. Stuck Beneath the Landslide

**Author's Note: The next chapter won't be updated until Friday night at the very earliest, as I'm going out of town and Jackie has the Dell party thing to go to (I'm kinda ridiculously jealous). So hopefully this is enough to hold you over until then.**

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><p>"I'm going to have to ask you all to leave for a moment," the doctor said, "while I run the final tests."<p>

"You can't—" Amanda began hotly.

"Wait!" I interrupted urgently, taking a step towards Josh. Surely I hadn't just imagined it—but there was nothing I wanted more than—

There it was again, I could've sworn it.

"His finger moved."

"That's impossible. We've already determined—"

"No! I saw it too!" Mike said excitedly. "Just now." We were all staring intently at Josh now, waiting for another sign.

"I'm sorry," the doctor said, "but he's gone into a vegetative state. It's not possible for him—"

"Holy shit," Amanda breathed. None of us were paying the slightest attention to the doctor. "C'mon, Josh, _wake up._"

_Yes,_ I thought, rather bitterly. _Wake up so Amanda can go running back into your arms. _

This painful thought was interrupted a moment later by another movement from the bed.

A toe wiggled.

A finger crooked.

"Unbelievable," the doctor murmured. He had turned to one of the many monitors by the side of Josh's bed and was staring at it with transfixion. "He's started breathing on his own."

My heart leapt; Ian let out a whoop and the girls began to cry. Miles pulled his wife into an embrace and Mike started to grin.

I took a step towards Josh's bed and laid a hand on his chest, which was now rising slowly and steadily, and couldn't stop my own eyes from stinging or a smile from stealing across my face. He was alive. He would wake up now, I was sure of it; in any case, the doctors couldn't justify killing him, not anymore.

"Jesus Christ, Josh," I said quietly to the still man in front of me. "You always were one for the drama, weren't you?"

Turning, I saw that everyone in the room had watery eyes and joyful grins; for this one moment, at least, we were all united. "Will he wake up now?" I asked the doctor.

"I—I suppose," the doctor—for the first time I saw he had a nametag that read "Hector"—said, still looking shell-shocked. "We'll have to run more tests—this is extremely unexpected—"

"_Shh,_" Lily said suddenly. "He's—"

It was immediately obvious what she was talking about. Josh's lips were moving, as if he were trying to say something. No sound came out.

The silence in the room was thick and palpable; we all stood with our breath held.

There was a groan, and Josh's head shifted fractionally on the bed.

"Alexa," he said. His voice was thin and weak and hoarse, but there was no doubting what he had said. involuntarily, I looked to Amanda. The look of happiness was sliding off her face, quickly replaced by sick horror.

"_What_?" she whispered.

As if in answer, Josh said, "Need...Alexa."

Silence.

"No," Amanda said, shaking her head. "He can't have—he wouldn't—I—" She broke off, looking confused. And then, emotions warring on her face and tears running down her cheeks, she turned and bolted from the room.

Behind us, Josh was still stirring and mumbling, but I wasn't paying attention to him anymore. I was staring after Amanda, debating with myself.

I shouldn't chase after her. I was supposed to be mad at her, I was supposed to hate her, she could take care of herself...

I remembered what had happened last time I said that, the last time I let someone take care of themselves.

Indecisive, I turned back to Josh just as his blue eyes flickered open. "Bring me Alexa," he said, quite clearly.

That was all I needed. If _Alexa_ was the one he wanted to see, ahead of his friends and family, when _she_ was the one who had known his problems and not told anyone, when _she_ had run away from him, then I didn't need to be here.

I followed Amanda out of the room, breaking into a run as soon as I hit the empty corridor. Nurses were shouting at me as I ran past, but I paid them no mind.

I caught up to Amanda just outside the front doors of the hospital. She was standing on the curb, looking out into the parking lot, and as I drew closer I saw that she was breathing heavily.

"Hey," I said tentatively. She turned to me, and I saw that she looked a little lost.

"Why did he ask for _her_?" she whispered. "Why didn't he ask for me?"

There were several angry words I could have shot at her, but seeing her look so broken made me choke them back. I hated seeing her this way—it made me want to help her, and that was what had started this whole mess.

"I don't know," I said, although I had a shrewd idea—after all, I had seen the way Josh looked at Alexa, and heard the way she talked about him. It occured to me that Amanda didn't even know who Alexa was, and I wasn't about to tell her.

"Do you really think I'm beautiful?" Amanda asked softly. I sighed. I was already regretting those words.

"Yeah," I admitted, not meeting her eyes.

"You haven't been able to stop thinking about me?"

Why was she doing this to me? "Yeah," I said again. After all, it was too late to take back those words now.

"I like you, too," she said, still in that soft, quiet tone.

"But you love him." It was a statement; I had witnessed enough over the past weeks to know how she felt. However, Amanda was silent, and when I snuck a glance at her I saw a pensive look on her face. "Don't you?"

"Yes," she said slowly. "I do...but just because you love someone doesn't mean you need to be with them. And I think that...maybe being with Josh isn't a good idea right now."

"He's going to need you."

"If he needed me, then why did he call for _Alexa_?" She put as much vindictiveness as she could behind the word. "Who is she, anyway?"

I didn't know how to answer in a way that wouldn't hurt Amanda. "A girl," I answered unhelpfully. "She was supposed to record a song with him, before...everything happened."

It wasn't a good enough answer. "That doesn't explain why he asked for her first, when _we've_ been the ones sitting by his bedside for the past two weeks."

I remained silent, determined not to say anything more on the subject. Hopefully Amanda would drop it, before she reached a conclusion. Of course, she didn't.

"Do you think...he's been fooling around with her?"

I did think that, but I only answered with a noncommittal, "I don't know."

"I shouldn't love him," she whispered. "After all he said to me—all he did—when he's been with _her_—"

I didn't bother pointing out that Amanda had been doing the exact same thing with me.

"Maybe I need a break," she sighed. "From him, from all the drama he brings. I know I should be there for him, especially now, but I don't know if I can handle it." I understood where she was coming from; I didn't know if I could handle it either.

Amanda looked at me, her face suddenly serious. "We like each other, Matt. You can't pretend there's nothing there, although you've been trying hard enough lately."

I flushed.

"Maybe it's time we give ourselves a chance. Allow ourselves to be something more than friends."

"I—" I couldn't think. My brain had shut down completely, and I found myself staring helplessly into Amanda's soft eyes. She seemed to take my silence as an answer, and, wrapping her arms around my neck, leaned up to kiss me.

Unthinkingly, I kissed her back; _this_ was what I'd been missing over the last two weeks. This was what I wanted.

_Is it?_ whispered a voice in the back of my mind as my brain kicked back into gear.

Was it? Suddenly I thought of Jessica, of the look on her face when she caught me making out with Amanda. But we had broken up; she had kicked me out of our apartment.

_But you still love her. _

Yes. Did that make this wrong?

_Yes. _

Feeling a little sick, I pushed Amanda away from me. She looked surprised and disappointed.

"I'm sorry," I choked out, "but I can't do this. Not now."

Amanda stared at me, and I could see the question in her eyes: _Why?_

"Maybe we both need to take a break," I managed to say. "From each other. Take some time to figure everything out."

Before she could respond—I didn't want to hear what she had to say—I turned and began to walk away. I wasn't nearly as certain in my decision as I tried to sound, and I knew it wouldn't take much protesting from Amanda to make me change my mind.

"Matt, wait!" Amanda called, but I ignored her and continued to resolutely walk away. I didn't know whether this was the right decision or not, especially after the way I'd fucked everything up, but I thought maybe it was a step in the right direction.

Although I didn't know how right it could be, when I was left feeling completely miserable as Amanda's cries faded away from behind me.


	31. Contemplation

**Author's Note: Sorry about the delay. I meant to write while I was on my mini two day vacation, but it didn't happen. To make up for it, 32's gonna be posted almost right away. **

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><p>"Matt, wait!" I called, but he continued to walk away without looking back, soon turning the corner and disappearing out of sight.<p>

I sank down to the curb, wondering what the hell I had done wrong this time. Matt had been eager enough _before_, and that was when he was still supposedly loyal to Jessica. And it wasn't like I had misunderstood his feelings; he had shouted them out for practically the whole hospital to hear.

I felt like an idiot. Josh had already chosen some bitch over me, and Matt had left me for...for what? I still wasn't sure. He had said that he needed time to figure things out, but I wasn't sure what he meant—after all, we both knew how we felt, and I thought that should be enough. Obviously, I was wrong.

A few tears squeezed themselves out of my eyes, and I wiped them away impatiently. I had cried too much lately; it felt like I had spent more time crying than not.

"Amanda?" I looked up to see an unfamiliar girl with long red hair walking toward me, and frowned. I didn't know who she was, but obviously she knew me; she was probably a fan of the band, and that was the last thing I wanted to deal with right now.

"Yes?" I asked, my voice just bordering on polite. The girl looked a little uncertain.

"I just—I thought I recognized you. I'm here to visit Josh."

I sighed internally. I had been right; the girl was obviously just a fan. "How did you even find out? We've been careful to keep the news from getting out, at least until...things settle down a bit."

"I...um...I guess you could say I know Josh. His cousin—she's my roommate—just called me, telling me to come down." The girl held out a tentative hand. "My name's Alexa."

Suddenly I recognized the girl. I had seen her, several weeks ago, on the day I had broken up with Josh. She had driven out of the parking lot of the studio just as I had pulled in—so they had been together even then...My blood was boiling but I glared coolly at her. "You've got a lot of nerve, coming up to me like this."

Alexa looked surprised. "Wha—why? I mean, we both care for him, and it's obvious you've been crying..."

"You expect me to sympathize with you, when I know what you've been doing with _him_?" I spat at her, as viciously as I could.

"You—you know about that?" Alexa asked, aghast. Her tone confirmed my worst suspicions.

"Some secrets aren't as well kept as you'd like," I informed her icily.

"I'm—I'm sorry, I—" Alexa stuttered, looking a little scared now. I pushed myself to my feet, to be in the same level as her, although she was still a couple of inches taller than me. I was furious now, more angry than I could ever remember being.

"How could you even think that that would be okay, when I—"

"You broke up with him!" she shouted.

_Us being together didn't stop you before, _I thought, but only said, "And I suppose that make everything better?" I continued to glare at her, and Alexa took a step backwards.

"N-No..."

" It's _your_ fault he's in there!" I screamed, needing _someone_ to blame this on, and there was no one better than this girl I hated, standing in front of me.

"I know," Alexa whispered, surprising me. The anger seemed to leak out of her, and she deflated.

"Then why are you here?" I asked, although she had already told me.

"I don't know. Lily just said Josh had been calling for me—"

Yes, he had, and now I knew why.

"I'm coming with you."

Alexa stared at me. "What?"

"To see him," I said impatiently. I _couldn't_ let her go see him alone, and besides, Josh had been delirious when he had called for her—he hadn't even seen me at all— "We better go, he's probably been waiting."

Slowly, looking a little confused, Alexa turned and started walking towards the hospital's front doors, and I followed after. We didn't speak at all as we made our way to Josh's room, and I saw that Mike and Ian were waiting at the end of the corridor. They both looked surprised to see me, especially with Alexa.

"Josh is just talking to his parents," Mike explained after Alexa had walked ahead. "The doctor gave him ten minutes before they're kicking all visitors out."

"I suppose he'll have time to talk to her still," I said bitterly.

"He hasn't stopped asking for her," Ian admitted, not meeting my eyes. "Has hardly said a word to any of us."

What had gotten into Josh? I understood that he had just woken up from a coma that had almost killed him, but surely that hadn't been enough to make him forget about everyone who was important to him—everyone except for _her_, that was.

"I'm going in with her," I announced, and went to catch up to Alexa before either could protest. She was standing outside the closed door of his room. After a moment of hesitation, she raised her hand to knock.

The door was opened by Miles, Josh's father. Corlynn was behind him, her eyes red and puffy. "You must be Alexa," he said, before catching sight of me. "Oh, hi, Amanda," he said a little uneasily, and I wondered if maybe it wasn't such a good idea that I was here.

"Go on in," Corlynn said from behind him. "We'll give you a couple of minutes to speak to Josh alone."

"Thanks," Alexa said quietly, and we allowed them to exit the room before entering. Josh looked much better than he had even half an hour ago; he was propped up on some pillows and looking alert, although his skin was still pale and pasty.

"Hey," he said, "I've been waiting—" Suddenly he caught sight of me hovering behind Alexa and his tone grew cold. "What the fuck are you doing here?"

"I—" I stuttered, quailing under his hostile gaze.

"Last time I checked, you stopped giving a fuck about me several weeks ago," he continued.

"That's not true!" I shouted, and to my shame tears pricked at my eyes again.

"News to me," Josh said, his voice still cold and dead and angry. "Now if you don't mind, I want to speak to Alexa. Alone."

"Fine," I said, trying to get my tones to match his. There wasn't much else I could say, so I left, slamming the door behind me. I almost ran down the hallway, right past where Mike and Ian were waiting, Lily now with them—I couldn't face them right now.

I felt like throwing up. Hearing it from Josh had made everything so much worse. Part of me had been convinced that after waking up he would love me again, our fight would be over, his harsh words forgotten. Now it was obvious that he had already moved on.

Maybe it was time that I moved on, too.

I sank down to the curb I had vacated not ten minutes before, and buried my face in my hands, and thought of Matt. Maybe I had already started moving on—Josh's words had hurt me, but maybe not as much as they should have. Even now, after what had just happened, I couldn't get Matt out of my head.

Was I falling in love with his best friend?

The thought gave me pause. Sure, Matt was cute and sweet and awkward, a good kisser and a better friend, and he was always waiting for me with open arms, even after all the shit I put him through, but...

Oh.

"You're an idiot," I whispered to myself. I had been using Matt to forget about Josh, to focus on something that wasn't as awful as the rest of my life, when actually—

Part of me wanted to find him now, to talk to him, but I stopped myself. Matt said he needed a break, and maybe I needed one too. I still had feelings for Josh, and Matt probably still had feelings for Jessica; maybe we both needed time to figure out how we actually felt.

After that, maybe we would both be strong enough and sure enough to try an actual relationship.

I could wait.

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><p><strong>AN: I know a lot of you don't like Amanda, so I hope this chapter changed your perspective a little bit. If not, I hope you didn't hate it _too_ much.**


	32. One More Confession

**Author's Note: It's your guys' lucky day. **

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><p>Being awake wasn't at all what I thought it would be. I wasn't numb anymore, which made me completely aware of every throbbing pain in my body. Part of my wished I could slip right back into a sleeping state, but part of me was extremely grateful to be able to see my family again. And of course, Alexa.<p>

"You don't have to be so rude to her, you know," she said once Amanda left the room.

"Yes I do," I responded, wondering why Alexa wasn't her usual sarcastic self.

"She's hurting," she said seriously.

I paused for a moment before looking up at her. "Who are you and what have you done with Alexa?"

Alexa looked around anxiously before sitting down on the couch near my bed. I could definitely understand why she might be anxious considering she was the only person I wanted to talk to after being in a coma for God knew how long. The thing was, Alexa was the only person who hadn't done something to hurt me. My cousin and my band mate kept me in the dark about seeing each other; my ex-girlfriend made out with my best friend; and they all did this under the assumption that I would never find out. Of course, Mike hadn't done anything, but I just didn't like that he was associating himself with those ignorant pricks.

"What are you talking about?" she sighed.

"Since when do you care if people are hurting?" I asked as I leaned my head against the headboard and turned to look at her solemn face.

"I've just been doing a lot of thinking…" her voice trailed off.

"About?" I half smiled.

"About the fact that you wouldn't be lying there if it wasn't for me." Actual tears began to form in her gorgeous eyes, which shocked me a little. Since when did Alexa cry?

"Shut the fuck up," I responded. "I relapsed long before we met."

"That's not the point." She stood up and sat down on the edge of my bed. "I didn't tell anyone."

"I know," I replied, "and I'm glad you didn't."

"Why?"

"Because then I wouldn't be able to get free pudding." I smiled as a nurse walked in with a tray filled with food I could swallow. Alexa laughed and hit my arm.

"OW!" I laughed. "Seriously though, it's no big deal. You were just trying to stay on my good side. Besides, it's not as if you didn't warn me to quit."

Alexa rubbed her face and looked at me. "Still."

I wanted to reach out and hold her hand, but I was still too weak to move.

"Don't worry!" I reassured her.

She paused for a moment before lying down right next to me. I took a deep breath in fear that the ECG might pick up on my ridiculously fast heartbeat.

"Why'd you ask for me?" We were both staring at the ceiling.

I didn't answer. I wasn't sure how. Should I tell her how I felt about her? Was it already obvious?

"I like you, too," she said, reading my mind.

I turned to look at her and smiled while she was still studying the ceiling.

"But this can't happen," she sighed.

My heart dropped, "What? Why?"

"I've interfered too much," she said.

"No you haven't! Please, don't do this," I begged. Something needed to go right for once. It just had to.

Alexa sat up before walking towards the window and peeking out, "I'm sorry, Josh, but this is just too much. I can't let myself get hurt. Not again."

"Again?" I asked.

Alexa sighed and turned to face me, "When I was seventeen, my fifteen year old sister overdosed. We were never really that close, but I did know she'd been depressed for a while which was what caused her to start doing meth. My mom left us when I was eight, so it ended up just being my dad and me. He was an alcoholic and always favoured Kiya. When she died, he began to blame me for everything."

I stared at her, dumbfounded.

"Yes, he'd hit me. I couldn't take it anymore. After hearing about 604 Records, I packed my things and drove to Vancouver, hoping to start a singing career and forget all about it. As you can tell, that quickly failed. I became so depressed and felt so worthless, I became a heroin addict."

She paused and turned to face the window, obviously hiding her tears.

"Do you know what saved me?"

I was silent as she slowly turned to look at me, tears clouding her exquisite eyes.

"Marianas Trench."

I tried to say something, but no sound would escape my mouth.

"Do you even understand how heartbroken I was when I saw you all fighting a few weeks ago? To see the one who saved my life go back down the dark path I was so desperately trying to escape? That's why I left you a few weeks ago; I couldn't handle this." her voice grew louder.

Again, I opened my mouth but no words would come out. Alexa turned towards the window once more.

"I know I seem like a sarcastic bitch, but I'm not. It's just an act so people won't see me as vulnerable. I can't remember the last time I let my guard down like this."

"You don't have to leave," I finally choked out.

She turned to look at me and crossed her arms, "Yes, I do. You belong with Amanda. All I've done is fuck shit up."

"But—" I started.

"But what? What do you expect to happen? Now that you've woken up, you think we can just magically be together?" her eyes squinted.

"Yes…" I muttered under my breath.

"No," she replied, "I'm not letting you do that to yourself or your loved ones. I'm bad news, Josh. You don't want me in your life."

"Yes I do!" I argued, becoming more and more infuriated.

"Do you realize how many people you've hurt?" she responded, her statement followed by a long pause.

"Come here." I broke the silence.

"Why?" She took a step back.

"Just come." I motioned my head, as that was all I could move.

Hesitantly, she walked towards me until she was standing next to my bed.

"Closer," I continued.

She put her face near mine.

"Closer," I whispered.

I forced myself to lean my head in, and kissed her. I expected her to pull back right away. Instead, she lightly grabbed hold of my face and kissed me back. My heart started pounding and I became ridiculously dizzy. I felt fireworks. I felt like I was flying. Like all the bad in the world had been sucked out. I just felt right for once.

She pulled back suddenly and tears began streaming down her face faster than ever. She covered her mouth, grabbed her bag and started walking towards the door.

"Hey, hey, hey!" I yelled. "Where are you going? Didn't you feel that?"

"Yes," she responded, "which is why I have go."

"No! Please, Alexa!" I cried out.

She paused for a moment before looking up and shaking her head. "I'm sorry," she said softly before opening the door and running out.

I slammed my head against the backboard and put my hands over my face. I was attempting to try and analyze the past half hour, but there was only one thing I was capable of doing: crying.


	33. Bad Habit

"What?" Lily said rudely as she answered the door to our apartment. I knew running to her wouldn't be the best idea, especially considering the state of our relationship, but I really didn't have any other options. I had nowhere to sleep and no one to talk to. I needed my best friend.

"I—uhhh…" I looked at her with watering eyes. "I—Can I come in?"

She rolled her eyes and sighed as she stepped out of the way to allow me to walk inside. I slowly made my way to our miniature living room and sat down hesitantly on the couch in the far corner.

Lily sat down across the room and crossed her arms. "Why are you here?"

"I need a place to stay," I admitted.

Lily cackled. "Are you fucking serious?"

"Look, I know you're mad at me…" I started.

"Yep," she annoyingly interrupted.

I took a deep breath. "Look, I've been doing a lot of thinking lately."

"Okay…" She rolled her eyes for what felt like the fiftieth time.

"I know that Josh is there because of me. I realize that, and I feel fucking terrible. But do you want to know _why_I never said anything?" I asked.

Lily stared at me expectantly.

"I was a heroin addict myself. When I found out he had relapsed, I remembered how I used to feel when people would tell my dad and it just…" my voice trailed off as I began to choke up.

Lily's eyes were filled with disbelief and sadness.

"…It used to make me want to continue doing it," I composed myself.

"You did heroin?" Lily finally asked.

"It's kind of a long story." I shrugged.

"I have time." Lily looked at me sympathetically.

"I don't really wanna repeat it." I looked away anxiously.

"Repeat it?"

"I just got back from telling Josh," I replied.

There was a long pause which left the two of us to our thoughts. I could tell Lily was disappointed, but probably a little relieved. I didn't know what to think. I contemplated telling her more about Josh, but decided against it. Expressing feelings like that was something you did with your best friend. And at the moment, I wasn't sure what we were.

"Have you been crying?" Lily broke the silence, looking genuinely saddened.

I looked up at her with my bloodshot eyes and nodded. A look of astonishment hit her face and I could tell she was shocked I'd been crying, considering I never cry.

"There's more to this, isn't there?" She read my mind while looking at me suspiciously.

I couldn't hold back anymore. My mouth began to taste like pennies and the stinging behind my eyes was becoming unbearable. I nodded as tears began pouring down my face, faster and harder than ever. I tried to calm myself down but all I could do was blubber like a fucking baby. Lily walked over to me and sat on the arm rest of the couch. She pulled my head into her chest and rocked me back and forth.

"Shhhh, it's okay." She kissed my forehead. "Tell me what's wrong."

I paused for a moment before more tears came streaming down my face. "I—I don't know. I mean, I can't explain it. It's just—FUCK!" I couldn't even process my thoughts.

Lily got up and sat down right beside me, holding my hand. "One sentence at a time."

"I love him," I blurted. "I love him and I can't have him. And it hurts."

A wave of mixed emotions waved over me as I watched Lily sink into her seat. I was glad I finally spat it out, but anxious for her reaction.

"What's stopping you from having him?" she sighed.

"I've just interfered far too much," I sniffled.

After a long pause, Lily finally turned to look at me. "Look, you've been through your share of shitty times. I don't know what they are, I just know you have. Josh needs somebody he can relate to in his life; someone who's been there. You can't give up on him, Alexa. And personally, I'd much rather see you end up with him than Amanda."

I cracked a smile. "Why are you being so nice?"

"You're impossible to stay mad at when you cry," she grinned.

"I should cry more often," I giggled.

Suddenly, that giggle turned into a light chuckle which turned into loud laughter. Moments, later the two of us were doubled over in hysterics. We didn't even understand why, but that was what made us laugh harder. Nevertheless, I had never felt more alive. It was almost as if I had forgotten how to laugh. I kept forgetting how far a smile can take you and how sometimes, it's always good to laugh for no reason.

Once Lily and I settled down, I looked at her and gave her a hug. She held onto me for a good minute before releasing me. "Go."  
>I smiled and ran out the door. Lily was right, I deserved him. We deserved each other. Josh was the best thing to ever happen to me, aside from Marianas Trench as a whole. I began reciting what I was going to tell him over and over again as I walked back to the hospital. Once I opened the door, I was hit by a pang of worry. What if he wasn't alone?<p>

I shook the thought out of my head, remembering that I was just at the hospital less than an hour ago. I marched through the lobby and over to Josh's room. Right as I was about to knock on the door, I heard a voice emerge from his room. I figured it must be a nurse so I continued to walk in.

Seated on Josh's bed, holding his hand, was most definitely not a nurse.

As the two of them looked up at me with stunned faces, I quickly shut the door and ran out before either of them had time to say anything. I couldn't breathe. What just happened? Josh wouldn't even say two words to Amanda, let alone hold her hand. I couldn't believe this. Was it really this fucking impossible for something to go right for once?

When I returned to our apartment, I noticed a sticky note on the front door:

_Went to find Ian. Hope things worked out! xoxo_

I crumpled up the note and ran to my bedroom, slamming the door and stuffing my face in my pillow. Suddenly, I heard something crash down. I lifted my head and deliriously squinted to see what had fallen.

My heart began pounding ridiculously fast once I looked down. Lying conveniently close to me on the ground was a tattered plastic bag I had stolen from Josh a few weeks ago, hoping it was his last stash and I could hide it from him.

I stared at it with contemplation.

"Don't do it, Alexa," I warned myself.

I contemplated some more.

"Fuck this," I muttered to myself as I searched my room for a lighter, grabbed the plastic bag and headed out the door.

Ramsay wasn't the only one who needed help.


	34. You and I Might Just be the Best Thing

I couldn't stay still. I had returned to my apartment after they had kicked us out of the hospital, and for half an hour I managed to relax. But there were too many things running through my mind: Josh waking up; his request for Alexa and subsequent dismissal of the rest of us; the way Matt had chased after Amanda; how Amanda had returned soon after with Alexa, and run out moments later with tears running down her cheeks; and Lily. Lily most of all.

I hadn't been able to stop thinking about her, not since she screamed at me to leave her alone after I had told her how I felt. It hurt, every thought of her hurt, and yet I couldn't stop inflicting pain on myself.

My head was pounding and I couldn't think straight, so I decided to take a walk. Walks were my own type of meditation; only drumming was better, but I hadn't set foot in the studio since Josh had landed in the hospital.

Throwing on a coat, I began to make my way down the street. As always, the chill air and brisk pace helped clear my mind, and for awhile I didn't think of anything at all.

Later, I found myself at the park; it was the same park where I had run into Lily, where I had finally told someone about my problems and had managed to ask her out.

Even here, I couldn't escape her.

"Ian!" The call came from behind me, and my heart stopped as I turned to see Lily making her way towards me. She came to a halt, a little out of breath, and for a moment we just stared at each other awkwardly.

I didn't know what to say. We hadn't spoken to each other in the hospital at all, hadn't even looked at each other; I'd assumed she was still mad at me for what I'd overheard, and I—I could hardly think about her without wanting to cry. I didn't know how I had screwed up the best thing that had ever happened to me so badly.

But, looking at her now, it didn't seem like she was angry. She was gazing at me, a small, sad smile on her face, her cheeks rosy and her eyes bright. She was stunning, she was perfect, and suddenly I knew what I had to do.

I had tried apologizing to her before—although not very well, I had to admit—but she had been angry and upset at the time. She wouldn't react that way now, right?

I took a deep breath, averting my eyes and gathering my courage.

"I'm sorry," I said, just as Lily said the exact same thing. We stared at each other, surprised.

"I—what?" we said simultaneously, before fading into an awkward silence.

"Why—?" we said again, still in unison.

Suddenly, Lily burst out giggling, and I found myself smiling and chuckling along, and all the tension between us dissolved.

"Why are _you_ apologizing?" she asked once she got herself under control.

"Because you didn't listen last time I tried," I said frankly, smiling to soften my words. "I'm sorry I freaked out at you for being Josh's cousin. You didn't deserve that."

"No," Lily insisted earnestly, "I did. I shouldn't have hidden something like that from you, especially with all the other shit that was going on. And I shouldn't have taken out my anger at Alexa out on you. And I should've listened the first time you tried to apologize. I'm sorry."

"Apology accepted," I said, grinning broadly, although the thought of Alexa dampened my spirits somewhat. "It'd be nice if Alexa would stop screwing things up, though," I grumbled. I still subconsciously blamed her for Josh and Amanda's breakup, and for Josh's overdose. After all, she hadn't seen fit to actually_ tell_ anyone that she knew what was going on. And if she hadn't been there, I wouldn't have spent the last four days being miserable.

To my surprise, Lily bristled. "Don't you go blaming Alexa, too."

"But—"

"You can't blame her for seeing something the rest of us didn't."

"She could've—"

"Told who?" Lily read my mind. "Told me, I suppose, if I hadn't been so preoccupied..." Suddenly she looked like she was about to cry.

That was the last thing I wanted; already I was kicking myself for ruining what we had just when we had almost fixed it. "No...You can't think this is your fault!"

It was the wrong thing to say. Lily's watery eyes flashed, and she said, "Why not? I should've known, I was there the first time this happened, I'm his family—"

"So am I," I said firmly, desperately. "And maybe I wasn't there the first time, but I know Josh well enough, and I knew something was wrong, and I was too selfish to care. We all were." Suddenly I saw how it all worked, how we all blamed each other because we were too cowardly to blame ourselves. "Maybe we're all at fault, or maybe none of us are, but it shouldn't matter because it's over now."

"So you'll all stop hating Alexa now?" Lily asked hopefully.

I nodded, although a little reluctantly. Something about that girl still didn't sit right with me.

"You know, when she left," Lily confided, "it was because of the band. She'd idolized you forever, and was so excited to work with Josh, but you were nothing at all like she expected. With all the fighting, and the drama..."

Well, that made me feel terrible. "We're not usually like that," I said. "It's just—it's been a difficult month. For everyone."

"That's why I came to find you," Lily said quietly after a moment. "Because with everything else that's been going on...I was hoping that maybe something could go right."

My breath caught in my throat, and my heart stuttered in my chest. We stared at each other silently; I couldn't tear my eyes away from her.

"You know," I started uncertainly, "when I said that you mean everything to me...I meant it." I didn't know what I'd do anymore without Lily. Even the past four days when we hadn't spoken each other, when I feared that she would never want to see me again, had been torture. And suddenly I knew that I had to do everything in my power to keep her. "I can't lose you."

"You won't," she whispered, eyes shining, and took a step towards me. "You're...you're the best thing that's ever happened to me, Ian."

I knew what was supposed to happen now, but I couldn't move. I was frozen, staring helplessly at Lily's beautiful face. She smiled, and took matters into her own hands; she took another step, closing the last of the distance between us, placed her hands on my shoulders, and leaned up on her toes to kiss me.

A spark jumped from her lips to mine, frying my brain, but the reactions came more naturally now. I put my hands on her waist and pulled her in close as she wound her arms more tightly around my neck. We smiled against each other before pulling apart.

The smile was still on her face, and I knew my own grin felt like it was splitting my face in half.

"Finally," Lily murmured, and I laughed. And then, feeling exuberant and lighter than a feather and happier than I'd ever been, I pulled her towards me and kissed her again, because I could.


	35. You and I Might Not be the Best Thing

"Go away!" I warned after hearing three quick knocks on my door.

"I just need five minutes," I heard a familiar female voice call out.

"You're the last person I wanna talk to!" I yelled.

"Please, Josh!" she begged.

I paused for a moment. As odd as it sounded, something about talking to Amanda at the moment felt right. This scared me a bit; as I became increasingly worried that I would start to develop old feelings for her. Nevertheless, if there was one thing I loved about her, it was that she always knew how to fix things. She was always such an understanding and compassionate person.

I shook my head vigorously. Why was I starting to feel so guilty for letting her go?

"Come in," I sighed at last.

The door squeaked open and revealed my ex-girlfriend looking more tired than I'd ever seen her. Due to the fact that I never had much of a chance to look at her since I woke up, I let out a small gasp when I saw her. She looked almost as broken as I did.

I continued to stare at her as she proceeded to shut the door behind her and sat down hesitantly on my bedside. I looked at her cautiously, afraid she might do something to make me feel even worse about our break up.

"H—How've you been?" she stuttered.

I looked up at her and shrugged, "I've had better days. You?"

"Same," she sighed.

The tension between the two of us was absolutely unbearable, but I didn't know how to break it. We were both looking around the room, doing our very best to avoid any eye contact with each other. I took a deep breath. I knew it was time that I come clean. I had to tell her that this just wasn't going to work out.

"Look," I broke the silence, "I know you want me to tell you that this is only temporary but—"

"It's not," she finished my sentence as we made full eye contact.

I looked away awkwardly, trying to figure out what to say next.

"You know about Matt and I don't you?" she asked rhetorically, a hint of relief in her voice.

I nodded.

"Listen," she started, "I'm really sorry. I—I was just so hurt by how we ended things and how you were treating me. Just don't blame Matt, please. He didn't know what he was doing and—"

I sighed while she continued to ramble on. I couldn't decide who I was most mad at. But at the same time, my anger was diminishing by the second. Part of was surprisingly happy for Matt and Amanda. However, part of me was furious with the two of them. I knew I couldn't be both, so I decided it would be a whole lot easier if I forgave them. Besides, if it wasn't for their absence, I would have never been able to go for Alexa.

"I forgive you," I interrupted with a half-smile.

She stopped and looked at me, "Really?"

I sighed and nodded before another excruciatingly long pause took place.

"I've been taking you for granted," she shook her head and looked away.

"What?" I asked.

"It's just…" she looked like she was searching for the right words, "I guess I never thought I'd lose you. You've always been there, and now you won't be. And I'm scared."

My heart started to sink as I began to feel the same way she was feeling. Amanda and I had been together for what felt like forever. It never really hit me before with how weird it would be to lose her. I supposed I should've felt this way within the past few weeks, but then again, I wasn't exactly in a coherent state.

Amanda seemed to notice my lack of communication. "Aren't _you_?" she asked anxiously.

I opened my mouth, but no words would come out. Instead, my eyes became blurred with tears as I looked away, avoiding all possible eye contact.

_Goddammit Josh, don't you dare cry._

Amanda paused for a moment before looking at me. "Can I try something?"

I looked at her suddenly, scared of what was to come next. I watched her slowly slide closer to be as she put one hand on my face. My heart began to race faster and faster as she leaned her head in and kissed me harder than she'd ever kissed me before. I was expecting a burst of fireworks or sparks or _something_. But the kiss was nothing but dull and lifeless.

As she slowly pulled away, I noticed a look of surprise on her face.

"Nothing," she concluded, sounding a little disappointed.

I shook my head in agreement and shot her a heart-warming half smile followed by yet another long pause.

"You know I'll always love you," she broke the silence and surprised me by grabbing my hand. I suddenly became terrified she might want something more than to just apologize.

I stared at our intertwined hands for a moment before looking up at her. "How do you feel about Matt?" I asked.

A look of fear crossed her face after hearing my question. "I don't feel comfortable answering that in front of his best friend…"

"Just answer it, I won't judge." I gave her a reassuring smile.

Amanda sighed. "Honestly, I like him a lot. It's like I'm seeing him in a brand new light. He's sweet and understanding and just—I don't know…" I noticed her look away and bite her lip.

I suddenly felt a wave of jealousy rush over me. What, was I suddenly not good enough for her?

She paused and noticed my stern face before asking, "How do you feel about Alexa?"

Suddenly, the door to my room swung open so fast, I didn't even have time to move. Standing in the doorway was Alexa: hair covering her face and mascara running down her cheeks. She stood motionless in front of us before covering her mouth and backing away slowly. Before I knew it, she had bolted out, slamming the door behind her.

After about a minute of my room being deafened by silence, Amanda looked at me. "I uhhh—"

"Get out," I ordered in an icily calm tone.

"What?" she quickly stood up as tears began to form in her eyes.

"Get. Out." I glared at her.

"But—we were just talking and—" she began stammering.

"And what?" I became more and more furious. I couldn't stand to look at her any longer.

"W—what about the apartment?" she asked as she began to cry.

"The apartment?" I yelled. "Keep the apartment!"

"B—but—" she stuttered.

"Here's my keys!" I yelled while throwing them at her. "Change all the bills! I don't fucking care! Just get the fuck out!" my voice grew louder and louder.

Amanda stood there like a lost puppy, staring at me with heartbroken eyes before she finally began to slowly walk out the door. I immediately picked up my phone and tried to call Alexa, but there was no answer. I threw my phone across the room and buried my head in my pillow. Why couldn't I just disappear from existence?


	36. Tension

It was New Year's Eve, and Leilani and I were planning a quiet night at home with Tristan—no matter how hard I tried, it seemed I could never spend enough time with my family. Until Ian called.

"He wants us to spend the night with Josh, in the hospital," I said after hanging up.

"But, Mike—" Leilani started.

"I know," I sighed, cutting her off. "But he doesn't deserve to be alone, on tonight of all nights. We can spend some time with him and then come home before the countdown. How does that sound?"

"Fine," Leilani said reluctantly. "But we can't take Tristan with us..." Once, two weeks before, we had attempted to take Tristan with us to visit Josh. He had started screaming the moment we took him into the building, and wouldn't stop until we brought him back out.

"I'm sure Jani would be willing to take him for a couple of hours." Jani had been as solid as a rock over the past weeks, and he'd already taken care of Tristan for us several times while Leilani and I visited Josh.

Jani, as always, was willing to babysit Tristan for the night. "I think the little man is starting to think of me as his dad instead of you," he joked as we dropped him off. I smiled, but still felt guilty; I was fully aware I hadn't spent enough time around my son lately. It was something I fully intended to fix once things settled back down to normal.

We were the last to arrive, and there was a strange tension in the room, far from the celebratory mood I'd been expecting. Matt was standing in a corner, his eyes on the ground; Amanda was on the other side of the room, staring out the window, a look I didn't quite know how to read on her face. Ian and Lily were standing off to the side, holding hands, but neither of them were smiling. Everyone looked up as we entered, except for Josh, who was focused on a phone in his hands.

"Why isn't she answering?" he asked, looking consternated. He looked up at Lily expectantly. "Do you know where she might be?"

"No," Lily sighed. "I haven't spoken to her much lately. She's been coming home late, and leaving early—"

Josh's face fell. "She _has_ to come," he said, and, dialling the phone, held it up to his ear. It was obvious a moment later that he still wasn't getting an answer when he slammed the phone down. "Fuck," he muttered.

"I don't know why _she_ needs to be here," Amanda said irritably, still not looking at him.

"I don't know why _you_ need to be here," Josh replied, just as petulantly.

Now Amanda turned to face him, her eyes flashing. "Because I thought that _maybe_ we could try to be friends, but if all you're going to do is talk about her—"

"Well, isn't this fun," Ian said to the room at large, and I noticed Lily squeeze his hand. At least _they_ had worked things out.

"Uh," I said, trying to think of something light-hearted to say to break the tension.

Josh ignored both of us. "I can talk about her all I want," he said coldly. "In case you haven't noticed, you're not my girlfriend anymore."

"I didn't think I was!" Amanda said heatedly.

"I would hope not, considering all the time you've been spending running around with—"

"That's enough!" Ian said loudly, just as Matt started forward angrily. "Can you please not be at each other's throats for just an hour? It's New Year's Eve, for fuck's sake."

I shared a look with Leilani. She looked uncomfortable, and I couldn't blame her; this wasn't exactly what I had imagined when Ian had told me we were having a New Year's party in Josh's room.

Silence fell; Amanda went back to gazing out the dark window and Josh stared longingly at the phone, as if willing it to ring.

"What's up with them?" I muttered to Matt, who was closest.

"Dunno," he shrugged, and I knew immediately he was lying. "Still haven't gotten over the fight they had before all this happened, I guess." Matt's face, upon closer inspection, was tight, and anger lingered behind his eyes. Something was going on, and he knew what it was, but I decided not to question him right now.

"Well," Lily said lightly, "we have drinks and chips...they wouldn't let us bring in alcohol, for obvious reasons..."

"I don't want to start until Alexa gets here," Josh said resolutely.

"Maybe you should go _find_ her, then," Amanda shot at him. "Then we wouldn't have to listen to your fucking whining all night."

"If you didn't notice, I'm confined to this stupid fucking hospital bed," Josh sneered, "and I don't see the rest of you doing shit."

"What's _with_ you, man?" Matt said, his voice barely under control.

"Well, let's see," Josh said mockingly. "My ex-girlfriend won't leave me alone, my best friend has been going behind my back, no one tells me _anything_, I spent two weeks in a fucking coma, and now every part of my fucking body hurts."

"You could be _dead_!"

"Maybe I rather would be!"

A poignant silence followed this appalling statement.

"Fuck, Josh," Ian whispered. "You don't actually mean that, do you?"

"Yes. No. I don't fucking know, okay?" To my shock, tears were springing into Josh's eyes, and he turned his head away. "I want to see Alexa," he said, his voice muffled by his pillow.

The doctors had told us that Josh had been off his depression medication for a while, but I didn't know that _this_ was the result. "I'm sorry, Josh," I said softly.

He ignored me. "Bring me Alexa," he said, his face still turned away, "or, I swear, I'll go find her myself." When no one moved, he sighed and picked up the phone again. "Fuck," he muttered into the receiver. "Pick _up_."

Lily was looking a little worried now. "This isn't like her at all," she murmured. "I hope she's not..." she trailed off.

Again, Josh threw the phone down. A few tears were running down his cheeks, and they seemed to make him more angry than anything. "This is all your fault," he said to Amanda.

"_What_?" she said incredulously. "How is this my fault?"

"Because you were here when she—"

"You know what?" Amanda cut him off, "I don't want to hear it. Fuck this. I'm _done_." She spun around and left the room, slamming the door behind her.

"Fuck you, Josh," Matt told him, his voice shaking.

"What, aren't you going to chase after her, like you always do?"

Matt was silent, his face set into hard lines.

"Are you okay?" I asked him. It was unusual for Matt to act this way, although he'd been acting strange for the past few weeks.

"Yeah," Matt said, but I had a suspicion that he was lying again. "I just...want to leave."

"Maybe we should leave, too," I suggested. The tension in the room was thicker than ever, and I could tell that Leilani was regretting that we had come here. "Uh...have a happy New Year, everyone."

"Yeah," Ian said, looking glumly at the unopened food and drinks he and Lily had brought into the room. I could distinctly here Lily say, "Is it so hard for you to be nice for _once_?" as we left the room.

Matt strode off down the hallway ahead of us. There was something wrong with him, and I fully intended on finding out what. "Give me a second," I told Leilani, before running to catch up with him.

"What's up, man?" I asked him. "And don't tell me 'nothing.'"

Matt forced a small smile. "I don't know what else to tell you, then."

"Look, why don't we go somewhere for drinks? It's New Year's Eve, we should at least try to have _some_ fun."

"Yeah, okay," Matt said, brightening up at the prospect of alcohol.

"We're going out," I told Leilani apologetically, handing her the keys to the car. "I'm sorry, I know I said—"

"It's okay," she said with a wan smile, "I understand. I'll see you later, then?"

I hugged her tight and kissed her for her understanding. "I'm sorry," I said again.

Matt and I left in his car, with me driving. It didn't take us long to get to our favourite bar, and I pushed him into a seat and ordered him a drink.

"Now, tell me what's up," I ordered sternly.

Drink by drink, the story came out of him.

"I'm falling for Amanda," he said miserably, point-blank.

I was surprised, but maybe not as surprised as I should have been. After all, enough clues had been dropped lately. "And she likes you too?" I guessed.

Matt nodded, staring into the depths of his fourth beer. "Except she still loves Josh, and I still love Jessica...or at least, I think I do." His brow wrinkled.

"Amanda didn't sound like she loved Josh earlier," I said lightly.

"Yeah, funny how that works," Matt said moodily.

He seemed unwilling to offer up more information on his own, so I asked, "How are things between you and Jessica?"

"They're not. She broke up with me."

"What?" Last time I checked, Jess had been completely enraptured by Matt—although that would explain her absence lately. "Why?"

Matt glanced up at me quickly before returning his gaze to his cup and muttering something under his breath.

"Sorry, I didn't quite catch that."

Matt took a large swig of his beer, as if it could give him courage, before blurting, "She saw me kissing Amanda."

"Oh," I said, rocking back in my seat. That wasn't what I expected to hear; I never thought Matt would do something like that, behind his girlfriend's back.

"Amanda kissed me first," he said quickly, as if to redeem himself. "And..." He waved his hand helplessly, almost knocking over his drink.

"I see."

Now that Matt had started talking, it seemed he didn't want to stop. "She asked me if we could try being together, a couple of days ago, but I turned her down, and I've been feeling miserable ever since." He looked up at me earnestly. "Do you think that was the right thing to do?"

"I don't know," I said honestly. At last I could understand the difficulty of the situation Matt found himself in.

For the next couple of hours, Matt rambled on, steadily becoming more and more drunk. "Have you seen her eyes?" he said. "They're so beautiful...and her hair...it's so soft..." He fell into a brooding silence, staring into his drink—which one he was on, I had lost count. Behind us, the countdown started.

I sighed, and took a sip of my water. "Happy fucking New Year," I muttered, as midnight struck and the bar erupted into cheers.


	37. The Secret's Out

**Author's Note: This chapter might have been my favourite to write. I couldn't stop laughing/crying.**

* * *

><p>My head was buzzing; my mouth was dry and Mike's face was swimming in front of me. To try and correct this problem, I took another sip of my drink, only to frown as I found it was empty.<p>

"Another," I said.

"I think that's enough," Mike said firmly, but I waved him away. I felt good right now, better than I had in weeks, and I had no intention of letting that go away.

"Hey Mike," I said, "remember that time we built a fort in our hotel room? That was fun. Remember how Josh crawled under there and refused to come out, so we had to order room service? And then Ian spilled a bottle of ketchup on the floor and we couldn't get it out so we told the maid the next day that it was blood..."

"Yeah, I remember that," Mike said, smiling fondly. The bartender slammed a fresh glass of beer in front of me, and I took a sip.

"She believed us, too, even when I told her we had captured a squirrel and sacrificed it in the middle of the hotel room."

"Yeah, she wasn't the brightest thing, that one."

"No," I agreed fervently. "But she _did_ take down the fort before we even had a chance to appreciate it fully." I scowled.

"Maybe we can build another fort sometime," Mike suggested, the hint of a laugh in his voice.

"Yeah. In the studio, when Josh is better. You do think he'll get better, right?"

"I'm sure he will," Mike said reassuringly.

"I hope so. Did you know Josh and I built a fort once? Years and years ago, when we were still in high school. We built it out in the woods, with old pieces of wood and stuff, and we'd go there to escape all the stupid jerks at school. People didn't really like us in school, 'cause we were in choir. They thought we were lame and made fun of us, but it wasn't so bad because we knew that we'd get somewhere someday. And we did."

"You did," Mike agreed amiably.

"We showed them," I muttered.

"Absolutely," Mike said.

"You know, sometimes I miss that," I reflected. "Things were easier back then. I mean, they weren't easy, but they were less..." I struggled to find a word, "complicated. You know what I mean? Shit happened, but at least your friends were always there. There wasn't any of this fighting, or secrets..."

Mike was silent, and I found myself thinking about Amanda. I had been doing that a lot lately, but this time it was without guilt. "I remember when I met Amanda," I said. We had been eighteen, and our band at the time had been putting on a shitty show. "I thought she was pretty, but she only saw Josh. He's the only one any of them see. But he's a douche, and soon enough they all see it. He's a fucking douche. Did you see the way he treated us? The way he treated Amanda?"

I paused.

"She doesn't deserve that," I said quietly.

"No," Mike sighed, "but you have to understand that Josh is sick right now, he's not himself—"

"It's my fault," I whispered, all of my fears and the sources of my guilt rushing out of me in a flood. "I was there when he was sixteen, and I didn't even notice something was wrong. And then afterwards I promised that if it ever happened again I'd be there, and he promised that it wouldn't happen again, and I guess we both broke our promises." I noticed rather suddenly that I was crying, and Mike was watching me sympathetically.

"And this time the signs were there for me to see, but I ignored them, because I was selfish and too busy fooling around with the girl he loved and being pissed off at him to _care_. I'm supposed to be his best friend, and I made a _promise_. And so did he."

"Matt, it's not your fault," Mike said, placing a hand on my shoulder. I shook it off and instead drained what remained of my drink. It seemed the only way to get rid of the guilt that was consuming me; instead the alcohol only seemed to fuel it.

"And I know it was wrong to go with Amanda behind Jess's back," I continued miserably, "but I couldn't help it. Part of it was her fault, she pushed it, but I went along, and even though I felt guilty I ignored it. And it felt wrong, but it also felt right, and I couldn't decide which feeling was stronger. And she was just so beautiful..." I looked up at Mike expectantly. "Do you think she's beautiful?"

I continued to stare at him until he gave me an answer. "I suppose she's quite pretty," he said reluctantly, but I didn't hear him. A realization had just dawned on me, the only clear thought in my fuzzy brain. I contemplated it for a moment, turning it around and around, before I let it slip from my lips.

"I think I love her," I said.

Mike gaped at me. "Okay, I think it's time to go." He grabbed my arm and made to pull me away, but I resisted.

"No," I insisted, "I have to tell her." This was becoming increasingly obvious to me; I had to tell her immediately, before it was too late. Mike gave an exasperated sigh as I pulled out my phone and scrolled through until I found Amanda's number.

"Matt, don't—" Mike started.

"Shh," I told him, listening intently to the ringing on the other end. After a moment, Amanda picked up.

"Hello?" she asked, a little uncertainly.

"Hey, babe," I said, my tongue suddenly thick and ungainly in my mouth.

"Matt? Are you okay?"

"Yes," I said quickly. "Fine, perfect. I just wanted to tell you something." I fell silent, suddenly fearful.

"What is it?" Amanda asked after a moment.

"I uh..." I stopped, freezing up completely. What if she didn't love me back? I licked my lips nervously.

"Matt?"

The words came out of me in a rush. "Ithinkiloveyou. I mean, ithinkiminlovewithyou. I mean..."

"What?" Amanda said, I couldn't tell if she hadn't understood me or wished she hadn't. Either way, I didn't have the courage to tell her again. I quickly hit end on the phone call.

"Okay, buddy, I think it's time to get you home," Mike said, pulling me off my stool. I stumbled a bit as my feet hit the ground.

"'Kay," I said dully, allowing Mike to pull me out of the bar and lead me to my car. "Do you think she loves me back?"

"I don't know," Mike sighed, sliding into the driver's seat. I noticed he still had my keys.

"What do I do if she doesn't love me back?"

Mike didn't answer, only heaved another sigh.

"Hey, my house is that way," I said as we started driving south, pointing.

"I don't think your parents would appreciate your current condition," Mike said. "You're coming to my house."

"Like a sleepover?" I asked, a little nonplussed. "We haven't done that in a long time."

Mike only laughed.

It didn't take us long to reach his house, but by the time he pulled into the driveway my eyelids were drooping. "This way," he said, pushing me through the door. I heard him say something to Leilani, but couldn't make out the words; the world was spinning around me.

"Take the couch," Mike directed, and after that I didn't remember much of anything at all.


	38. Nobody Will Break You

My anxiety was getting increasingly worse as I lay confined in my bed, unable to get a hold of Alexa. It wasn't the fact that she hadn't shown up tonight, it was that Lily hadn't seen her at all. I would've completely understood if she was avoiding me, considering our last encounter; but not answering her phone? She was scaring the shit out of me.

"What's with you and Matt?" Ian asked as everyone left the room.

"Nothing." My voice was laced with hostility. "We _need_to find Alexa." I shot Lily my wide, panicked eyes.

Lily seemed to pick up on my urgency and picked up her phone.

"It's no use!" I said before she finished dialling Alexa's number.

"Well what do you want me to do?" she asked, dropping her phone back in her pocket.

I paused for a moment. "How has she been acting lately?"

"Well…" her voice stuttered to a stop as she took a moment to recall the past few days. "Like I said, she's been coming home really late and leaving at ridiculous hours in the morning. The only times she does speak to me, she's very…angry. She's been looking kinda pale lately, even for her. I tried hugging her goodbye yesterday morning and she was shaking like crazy…" Her voice trailed off as panic struck her face.

"You need to go find her," I ordered.

"You don't think…" Lily looked terrified.

"I don't know," I responded, "but we can't take any risks. Go!"

"What's going on?" Ian asked looking confused as ever.

Lily grabbed his hand and marched out the door before he could ask any more questions. I looked out the window and felt my stomach sink as it began to snow harder and harder. I tried calming down by convincing myself that Lily would find her, but it was no use. If something happened to Alexa, I didn't know what I'd do with myself.

I took a deep breath and buried my head in my pillow. Hours went by as I sat motionless in my hospital bed, waiting and waiting. I suddenly heard an accumulation of cheers emerge from outside my door and I reached over weakly to look at my alarm clock.

"Well Happy fucking New Years, Josh," I muttered to myself as I stared at the ceiling.

Barely two minutes into the New Year, my phone began buzzing off the hook. I figured they'd be nothing but warm greetings; however I decided not to ignore them considering I was waiting for Lily to call me with any signs of Alexa. I groaned as I picked up my phone, seeing nothing but "Happy New Years!" texts but kept it clutched in my hand.

Suddenly, it began ringing.

"Hello?" I answered in a panicked toned.

"No sign of her," Lily said solemnly. "Happy New Year by the way…" she tried.

I rolled my eyes at her failed attempts to lighten the mood. "Keep looking."

"I don't know where else to look!" she argued.

"Are you fucking serious?" I wailed. "She could be hurt! You have to find her!"

"Look," she tried to calm me down, "I'm sure she'll turn up in the morning like she always does."

I hung up in a rage and threw my phone across the room. I couldn't believe Lily was giving up; especially considering her knowledge of Alexa's past and my current state. I immediately sat up and looked around the room. The nurses that tended to me were gone for the night, and it seemed like everyone was far too preoccupied with their celebrations to notice. I quickly took out my IV and started to stand up. I had completely underestimated how weak I actually was and fell over immediately. I hoisted myself back up and contemplated whether or not I should be doing this.

_No, if anyone's going to find Alexa, it had better be you._

After about three failed attempts, I managed to successfully stand up and walk to the window across my room. I felt incredibly weak. My only fear was passing out before I got a chance to find her.

I opened the window before an insane amount of cold air hit my face. I took a deep breath and lifted one leg over the window sill. As I was straddling the cold metal, I looked down to see a short but potentially painful drop. I quickly lifted my other leg over the ledge and built up the courage to jump.

Luckily, I landed in a pile of soft snow; however, I had forgotten to get dressed. I looked down to see myself sporting nothing but my hospital gown and black socks. Hit by the icy air and feeling as though my legs were made of straw, I highly considered climbing back up.

I shook the thought out of my head; I _had_to find Alexa.

I began scavenging around places she may be—or places I might have been. She wasn't anywhere near her house, nor was she in any of the alleys I usually got high at. As I walked past an old bar the boys and I used to go to, I noticed Matt's car pull out of the parking lot. I quickly ducked behind a nearby tree as I watched them turn onto the freeway and drive out of sight.

I'd been wandering around for almost an hour when I heard what sounded like a girl crying, but my ears could have fooled me. I followed the sound to the back of the building where a small, lanky girl was shrivelled up by the outdoor heater. As I began walking away, I stuttered to a stop and turned around quickly; red hair was covering her face.

I attempted to run towards her, but ended up falling face first into a pile of snow barely two feet in front of her. Without warning, Alexa began screaming at the top of her lungs, putting me in a state of panic.

"GET AWAY FROM ME!" she yelled as I tried to cover her mouth with my hand.

"Shhh, it's just me!" I whisper-yelled, noticing the joint in her hand followed by a painfully recognizable scent.

"Josh?" she looked at me with bloodshot eyes.

"Shhh," I hushed, "Nobody can know I'm here!"

"How the fuck did you get out of the hospital?" she whisper-yelled.

"Snuck out," I shrugged with a half-smile.

Unfortunately, my humour failed her. "We have to get you back there!" Her voice grew louder.

"No," I responded while sitting beside her with my back against the heater. "What we have to do is figure out what you're doing with this." I grabbed the joint from her hand and buried it in the snow.

"I—I—" she stuttered before looking surprisingly angry. "I saw you with Amanda! And then…" her voice trailed off.

Before I could respond, she cut me off. "She was holding your hand! Why, Josh? Why was she holding your hand?" She started crying again as she buried her head in her arms.

"Are you drunk?" I asked knowingly.

"Maybe." She looked up at me.

I paused for a moment before looking at her. "Amanda and I were trying to fix things. She left moments after you came in. There's nothing going on, I promise," I reassured her while looking into her eyes and lifting her chin with my shaking hand.

Alexa leaned her head back onto the heater. "I'm just so sick of life," she croaked.

I leaned back beside her. "Same."

After a long pause, Alexa quickly struggled to stand up and reached out her hand. "We have to get you back to the hospital," she said firmly.

I sighed and grabbed her hand as we cautiously made our way back.

"Nice getup by the way," she chuckled lightly at my hospital gown.

"Fuck off." I smiled and shoved her a little.

Just as we finished crossing the street, I stumbled and fell on a patch of ice.

"Josh!" she screamed and rushed over to me. "JOSH, ARE YOU OKAY?"

I smiled at her attentiveness. "I'm fine."

She took hold of my underarms and hoisted me up. I felt myself growing weaker and weaker without my IV and realized how hard it was becoming to walk. I latched onto Alexa's shoulders as she held me while we walked back to the hospital.

"How the fuck are we supposed to get up there?" she asked as we reached my window.

I looked around for a tree branch or ledge or…something, but realized how impossible it was.

"What are we gonna do?" Alexa began to panic.

"Don't worry," I reassured her, "we'll sneak through the front. Hardly anybody will be there, I promise."

We made our way to the front, walking fast but crouching down at any sign of movement. Alexa walked over to the front doors and opened them slowly. We peaked through the crack and noticed a single receptionist at the front desk.

"Okay, you distract her," I instructed, "and I'll sneak back to my room. Make her go find something and then come to my room when she's not looking."

"You sure you're gonna be okay by yourself?" she asked anxiously.

I chuckled. "I'll be fine. Now go!"

Alexa stood up straight and walked in confidently.

"Can I help you, Miss?" the receptionist asked upon Alexa's arrival.

"Yes, I'm here to make an appointment," she smiled.

The receptionist paused and glared at her. "At one A.M. on New Years?"

"Is there a problem?" Alexa scolded.

I laughed silently as I snuck past the front desk and made my way down the hall.

"No, no!" I heard the receptionist respond from down the hall. "I'll go get your papers. Your last name please?"

"McEwan," Alexa responded.

Not being able to control my laughter for much longer, I quickly stumbled into my room and landed on my bed. Moments later, Alexa busted in, quietly shutting the door behind her.

"Nicely done, Ms. McEwan." I smiled mischievously.

"You were quite sly yourself," she grinned back at me.

We remained awkwardly motionless for the following few minutes before she made her way to my hospital bed and sat right next to me, putting her head on my shoulder.

"I'm sorry," she muttered.

"For what?" I asked dizzily, suddenly feeling as though I was drunk as well.

"For relapsing," she lifted her head to look up at me, "for worrying you."

Staring into Alexa's eyes was intoxicating. I couldn't resist kissing her whenever I did; this being one of the times. Without thinking, I gently rested my hand under Alexa's chin and pulled her in.

As I kissed her, Alexa's arms reached around my neck as she slid closer to me on the bed. She wrapped her fingers in my hair while I cupped her face with my hands.

_Here come the fireworks._

Every time I kissed Alexa felt like the first. I knew we were meant to be together, but it was impossible to tell if she was being sincere, or if she was just drunk. Either way, I decided to stop.

"Something wrong?" she asked.

_Yep, she was definitely drunk.__  
><em>  
>"I'm just tired," I lied. I hadn't been able to sleep in days.<p>

"Fair enough," she shrugged.

She guided my head to my pillow and helped me under the covers before tucking me in tightly.

"Where should I sleep?" she asked, looking around the room.

I moved to one side of my bed and patted the vacant spot. I wanted her close to me.

"No, you need your rest," she responded.

"No," I argued, "I need you."

She sighed with a smile and slowly made her way to my bed. She wiggled under the covers and rested her head on my chest.

"I love you," she sighed.

My eyes grew wide and my heart started beating faster than ever. "I love you too."

Alexa leaned up to kiss me one last time on the cheek before quickly falling asleep. I exhaled a deep breath and put my arm around her, resting my hand on her shoulders. Before I had time to process the last few hours, I dozed off myself.


	39. Alone

As misinterpreting as my dramatic exit from Josh's room was, being in the same room as him wasn't actually as intoxicating as I would've thought. My feelings for him had completely vanished after our last conversation. The only thing that really aggravated me was that he not only refused to be my friend, but continued to treat me like absolute shit.

In actuality, there was only one person who made me storm out of there: Matt.

Being in the same room as him made me feel like I was suffocating. For the past few days, I was highly contemplating whether or not I still loved Josh, and tonight I got my answer. I loved Matt. I was absolutely, one hundred percent in love with him. And it hurt, a lot.

What hurt the most was not knowing whether or not he felt the same way. Considering how our last conversation went, I was almost positive we didn't have any kind of future.

I fucked up. I made him cheat on his girlfriend because of my loneliness, and I hurt his best friend while doing so. Matt would never want to be with me. Hell, _I_would never want to be with me.

After leaving Josh's hospital room, I decided to just go back to my apartment, put on my pyjamas, curl up into a ball with a tub of Rocky Road ice cream and cry for all of 2011. I didn't need anybody right now except for Matt, and he wasn't there. He would never be there. I had lost so much in such a short span of time: the love of my life, my best friends, the other love of my life, and, of course, my fucking dignity.

I unlocked the door to my apartment and began preparing for my year-long hibernation. I crawled over to my stack of DVDs and began picking and choosing movies to watch, cringing at the sight of _The Proposal_. In fact, I took that particular DVD out of its case, snapped it in half, and threw it out the window with no regrets.

Hours upon hours went by as I watched Disney movies back to back and finished about three tubs of Ben & Jerry's ice cream. I stood up and walked over to see if I had any cookie dough in stock, when I noticed it was 1am. I had missed New Years.

"Well, fuck," I muttered to myself.

I shrugged it off after about a minute and scavenged my fridge for any leftovers I could get my hands on. I felt like a fucking sixteen year old, moping about the ending of a two week relationship.

I hit my head against the fridge; Matt and I didn't even _have _a fucking relationship.

I suddenly heard Shake Tramp blasting from my phone and realized it was ringing. I remained motionless in my kitchen, wondering who the fuck would want to talk to me, especially at this hour.

I ran over to my couch and looked at the caller ID: _Matt Webb_.

I threw my phone across the room and began to hyperventilate.

_Come on, Amanda! Just pick up the damn phone!_

After about ten seconds of fast contemplation, I ran over to fetch my phone and put it to my ear.

"Hello?" I asked nervously.

"Heeeeey babe!" Matt slurred from the other end.

My mouth felt dry. "Matt? Are you okay?"

"Y—yeah," he started stuttering, "Fine! Perfect!"

_Okay, he was definitely drunk._

"Ijustwantedtotellyousomething," he continued, rather quickly.

At this point, I considered hanging up. What if he was just messing with me?

"What is it?" I sighed.

"Uhhh…" he trailed off and I suddenly became conscious of the monstrous noise around him. Where the fuck was he? Who was he with?

"Matt?" I became slightly impatient.

"I uhhh—" he continued to stutter, "Ilikeblue. I mean. IthinkIreallylikeblue. I mean…"

"What?" I said, exasperated, not understanding a word he just said.

Suddenly, the line went dead. What the fuck had just happened?

I had no idea what Matt was trying to say, but hearing his voice did nothing but make me feel more distraught. I slammed my phone on the table and began to bawl even harder than I was before. Who the fuck was he, calling me while he was drunk like that? He was probably at a New Year's Eve party, drunk out of his mind and having the time of his life. Everyone was probably having the time of their life, except me.

Why did things have to go so damn perfectly for everyone else? I couldn't take this anymore; I wished I could just disappear. Part of me didn't want to speak to anyone ever again—especially not Matt.


	40. We Broke Those Hearts of Cinnamon

My mouth tasted like cotton; that was the first thing I noticed when I awoke. Another was that there was a dull, pounding pain just behind my forehead. The pain only grew worse when I opened my eyes to the wintry light that illuminated the room.

"He awakes," Mike said from somewhere off to my left, and I sat up so quickly it felt like a spike had been driven through my skull.

"Fuck," I groaned. "What happened?"

"The real question is: what do you remember?"

I thought back to the night before. "Not much," I admitted. I remembered lots of noise, lots of people, and alcohol. Lots of it. "Nothing at all, really." I cautiously turned my head to look over at Mike, and saw he had a contemplative expression on his face. "Why? What did I say?"

I knew how I got when I was drunk. I became a veritable fountain of information, spouting off every thought that came into my head. And given what I had been thinking about lately...

"Fuck," I groaned again. "I told you about Amanda, didn't I?"

"Yeah," Mike said. He looked uncomfortable enough for me to know that wasn't the whole of it.

"What else did I say?"

"Er...you talked about squirrel sacrifices. And about you and Josh. And how Jess broke up with you and kicked you out of the apartment..."

It was obvious he was avoiding something, and a feeling of dread filled me as I asked, "What else did I say about Amanda?"

"You said you love her," Mike admitted, not meeting my eye.

"Oh," I said stupidly.

"Do you?" Mike asked the same question I was thinking.

For a few minutes, I was silent. I thought about Amanda: how it felt to kiss her, like everything was right in the world; her sharp wit and soft laugh; the emotion in her eyes when she looked at me and her hair under my hands; how frustrated and enclosed and suffocated I felt when I was in the same room as her and Josh; how angry it made me to hear Josh talk to her like that. When I closed my eyes, it was her face I saw.

"I think I do," I said, and the admission made my stomach lurch. I knew immediately it was true. "Yeah, I do. But she loves Josh, and I told her, like, three days ago that it wasn't going to work between us..." It was already too late, I was sure, and I felt a little sick. "Mike, you can't tell anyone what I told you last night. Especially not Amanda."

"It's...already too late for that," Mike said hesitantly.

I sighed, and buried my head in my hands. Their black coolness alleviated my headache somewhat. "What happened?"

"You decided to call her," Mike said, with the air of someone giving bad news. "I tried to stop you, but you said she _had_ to know..."

"Fuck," I groaned for the third time that morning. My head was pounding far too much for me to deal with this right now.

"She might not have understood you," Mike offered hopefully. "You were past being coherent at that point."

"So either I told her I love her, or I drunk dialled her in the middle of the night with an incomprehensible message. That's great." I lifted my head out of my hands to look at Mike. "I'm going to have to talk to her, won't I?"

"Well, it's not like you can avoid her for the rest of your life," Mike laughed, before turning serious. "And I don't think you'd want that, either. Yeah, I think you have to talk to her."

"Do I have to do that now? Or can I allow some time for her to possibly forget what happened?"

"No, not now," Mike said thoughtfully. "I think you need to talk to Jessica first."

"What? Why?" The thought of Jess made my head ache worse. "She hates me."

"I doubt that," Mike said gently. "And anyway...do you still love her?"

I thought. "I don't know," I confessed. Mostly, the thought was painful. I had been trying so hard to keep Jessica out of my mind lately, because thoughts of her came with choking guilt.

"You need to figure that out. Figure things out with her, apologize."

"Now?"

Mike looked at me, and chuckled. I imagined I must look wretched at the moment. "Maybe not this exact moment, but soon."

I forced myself to my feet, closing my eyes as the world spun around me and my head gave a particularly painful throb. "I feel awful. Why'd you let me drink so much?"

"You didn't exactly let me stop you. Anyway, I thought it might be good for you to let go for one night."

I gave him a watery glare. "This is the farthest thing from 'good' I can imagine. Do you have some aspirin, and water? And maybe a dark hole I can crawl into for the next year?"

"Everything but that last," Mike said, laughing. "And I think Leilani might have some breakfast for you in the kitchen, although it's late enough for lunch."

Now that food had been mentioned, I realized just how hungry I was. "I guess that's a decent substitute," I said, and allowed Mike to steer me towards the kitchen.

Leilani was feeding Tristan at the kitchen table; she looked up as we entered and shot me a smile. "How're you feeling?" she asked.

"Terrible," I grumbled, making my way over to the pantry and pulling a box of Mini Wheats off the shelf. I poured myself a bowl and sat at the table, where Mike had placed several aspirin tablets and a glass of water. I gulped them down and began shovelling my cereal into my mouth. "What're you looking at?" I said to Tristan, who had been staring at me. He only gurgled happily. "How's he doing?" I asked Mike.

Mike smiled softly, his eyes on his son. "Better," he said. "Much better. He's not perfect yet, but he's started to speak a little bit—"

As if on cue, Tristan said, "Mama!" and slammed his fist demandingly on the table. Leilani only laughed and fed him another spoonful of his breakfast.

"The doctor's said he'll soon catch up with other babies his age," Mike continued, grinning broadly.

"That's awesome!" I said, allowing a smile; it was good things were finally going well for Mike.

Soon after, I left their house, returning to my parents' to clean up before driving over to the apartment that used to belong to me. I hesitated outside, my stomach churning anxiously, before heaving a sigh and making my way up the garishly patterned stairs and down the hall.

Part of me wanted to run away, to go find the hole I had asked for earlier. But I wasn't as cowardly as that; I could handle this. Taking a deep breath, I raised my hand to knock on the door.

I heard footsteps approaching from inside the room, and a moment later the door swung open and I was left staring at the face of my ex. It was only for a second; as soon as she recognized me, she slammed the door.

"Jess, wait!" I called. I knew she was still there; I hadn't heard her footsteps retreat. "Please, you have to let me explain! I'm sorry—I made a mistake!"

The door opened a crack, so I could see one of her eyes, tears shining in it. "What's there to explain? I _know_ what I saw, Matt."

I stuck my foot in the door to prevent her from closing it on me again. "No, you don't," I said desperately. "Well, maybe you do, but it's different—" I wasn't making any sense at all. "Please, let me in. Just for five minutes, and then I'll leave."

Jessica appraised me for a moment, before nodding and opening the door wide enough for me to slide through. I sat down on one end of the couch and she sat on the other. "Explain," she said.

Now that I had permission, I couldn't think of where to start. "Uh..." I said blankly, and Jess sighed impatiently.

"That's what I thought," she said.

"No!" I said hurriedly. This was my one chance to redeem myself, to get rid of the guilt that had been hanging over me and maybe move on. "It's not, it's just—"

Jess waited. Her face was stony, but I could see tears glittered in her eyes.

"Amanda kissed me first—I know that's not an excuse," I said quickly when I saw her eyes narrow. "But she did, and I reacted. I didn't think."

"So you came here to tell me I should forgive you because you forgot how to think," Jess summarized coldly.

"No! I—Amanda was hurting," I said. "She had just broken up with Josh and she was hurt, and I wanted to help her."

"So you made her feel better by making out with her."

I groaned; everything was coming out all wrong. "Look, I like Amanda, okay?" I admitted, my eyes on my feet. "I can't help it; it's just the way things are. And I know what I did was wrong, and no, I _didn't_ think, and I never, ever wanted to hurt you—"

"How do you think you're making me feel now?" Jessica asked, her voice shaking and tears overflowing. "I leave for two weeks and come back to find that you've fallen for your best friend's girlfriend—sorry, _ex-_girlfriend," she corrected sarcastically.

"I still care about you," I offered pathetically. I felt terrible, and it wasn't just from my hangover. "I—I still love you..."

"Do you?" Jess asked quietly, and I was silent; I couldn't answer that question honestly, not right now.

"I might," I acknowledged after a moment. "I don't know."

"Is that why you came here? To find out?"

Partly, yes. But instead I said, "I came here to apologize."

"And if I forgave you, would that make you love me again?"

"I—I don't know," I stuttered, shying away from the intense look in her tear-filled eyes. She stared at me and I gazed back, trying to feel _something_. She shifted towards me on the couch, until she was sitting right beside me.

"Kiss me," she said, or demanded.

So I did.

Her lips were soft and salty, though not as soft as Amanda's; her hair was long and tousled, but not like silk. Of the former emotion I used to feel when I was with her, there was nothing.

I pulled away. "I'm sorry," I said.

"No?" Jess asked, and from the hurt tone of her voice and the expression on her face, I knew that she had felt something. That was just going to make what came next so much harder.

"No," I replied, shaking my head and getting to my feet. Jessica followed suit and we stood separated by an awkward foot of space.

It looked like she was doing everything she could not to cry; she gave me a watery smile. "I still love you," she said. "I always will."

"Me too. Just...not in that way."

"You love her now, don't you." It was a statement, not a question, and I blinked at her. "I can see it," Jess said. "In your eyes. You want to be with her right now, instead of me."

"That's not—"

"Yes, it is." She cut me off. "And that's okay."

"Is it?"

"Well, no," she sighed, "but it will be. Eventually. Thanks for coming to see me, Matt. I don't want to have to hate you."

"I'm sorry," I said again. She was looking so broken that part of me wanted to let her fall into my arms, to hold her and let things to return to how they used to be. But they couldn't and that wasn't what I wanted, not really.

"I'm sorry, too." She smiled sadly at me.

"I'd like it if we could be friends," I offered, hating this.

"Me too. But...not now. I need some time."

I nodded. I could give her that.

Suddenly, she stepped forward and hugged me. I returned it, breathing in her scent for the last time.

"Bye, Matt," she said when she pulled away.

"I'll see you around," I said awkwardly, and then, having nothing else to say, I turned and left the apartment. Our apartment, now hers.

Once I reached my car, I slid inside and just sat behind the wheel. I felt terrible for what I had done to Jessica, but I also felt better. For the first time, I felt like I had truly taken a step in the right direction. And my headache had definitely faded somewhat.

After a few minutes, one thing became clear in my mind. I put the car into drive and pulled away from the curb.

I had to find Amanda.


	41. I Wish You Would Leave Me

**Author's Note: So the rest of the story has been planned, and it's set at 50 chapters. Just so everyone knows and you can all anticipate the end ;)**

* * *

><p>Slowly but surely, I opened my eyes.<p>

I suddenly felt painfully numb and weak. I couldn't remember what happened last night; however I knew for sure I hadn't gotten drunk. So why the fuck did I feel like I had a hangover? I cautiously lifted my head and studied my surroundings. My hospital room looked the same, except for the fact that my IV wasn't attached to me, which probably explained my feeling of weakness. Unexpectedly, I felt something squirm under my arm.

I practically shot out of my bed when I looked down to see Alexa, latched on to my chest and breathing deeply. She looked pale, but peaceful. I took a deep breath and recalled the night before. Memories of sneaking out to find Alexa began to rush back and I leaned my back against the headboard to try to recall more events.

I remembered sneaking out in the freezing cold, finding Alexa shrivelled up with a joint in her hand, our hilarious ploy to sneak back in and then—

I froze.

Memories of making out with Alexa began to flood my head to the point where I became ridiculously dizzy. I felt like an idiot. What if she thought I had taken advantage of her while she was drunk and high? What if she didn't mean it when she told me loved me?

I couldn't take it anymore; my head was pounding at an excruciating level and I knew I had to get up and have a glass of water. I began slowly pushing Alexa's frail body over, desperately trying not to wake her.

Unfortunately, my attempts failed as she shot up so fast, I didn't have time to react. The second Alexa's eyes met mine, she tried backing away, only causing her to lose balance and fall right off my bed.

"Are you okay?" I asked, my voice a little hoarse.

Alexa stumbled to her feet and scrambled around the room to pick up her things. "I—I'm fine," she replied quickly.

"Whoa, whoa, whoa," I exclaimed, "Where the fuck are you going?"

"I just—" she paused to look at me with pleading eyes, "I can't."

"Can't _what_?" I responded.

"I—" she started.

"What's going on in here?" a voice interrupted.

The two of us turned our heads, only to see my doctor standing impatiently in the doorway.

"I'm sorry," Alexa said to nobody in particular as she hid her face and scurried out the door.

"NO!" I yelled after her. I lost her once; I wasn't going to lose her again.

I quickly ripped off my blanket and stood up before beginning to chase after her.

"Whoa," the doctor put his hand on my chest to stop me. "Where do you think you're going?"

"Listen, I need to speak to her!" I begged.

"What you need to do right now," the doctor replied, "is get back to bed, Mr. Ramsay. Why is your IV unplugged?"

The doctor guided me back to my bed and rushed around the room, trying to find a fresh needle in order to hook me back up to the IV as I stared longingly out the window.

"You must be feeling pretty damn weak right about now, eh?" the doctor asked while writing something down on his clipboard. "But you seem well enough to be transported to the rehabilitation centre today, at least."

"Huh?" I looked up in a daze. "Oh, yeah."

Suddenly, I began to process what the doctor was saying.

"Whoa wait," I started. "Did you say I have to go to rehab?"

"Well you didn't think I was going to send you back home like this, did you?" he chuckled sarcastically.

I froze. I couldn't go back. The months I spent in rehab were the darkest months of my life. Nothing good came out of it, especially considering I relapsed. Sure, maybe it was a good place to write one of the most meaningful songs on a Marianas Trench album. But it was virtually impossible not to cry whenever I would perform Lover Dearest at concerts. When I was writing the original letter to my drug, I had only been clean for a few weeks. The thoughts I had during this time period were absolutely scarring. I recalled back to when I was writing what turned out to be the second verse; I was so fucking depressed, it practically felt like I was dead. I would shake for hours on end and break out into cold sweats. I couldn't sleep, and when I did I'd have terrifying nightmares.

I shook the sickening memories out of my mind; I couldn't go back. I just couldn't.

"No," I shook my head, "I'm not going back there."

"I—I'm afraid you have no choice," the doctor replied hesitantly.

"I'm a grown man," I rolled my eyes, "of course I have a choice."

"Not if you want to leave this place any sooner," the doctor responded.

"What?" I asked impatiently.

"Either you go to rehab now," he explained, "or you stay here for another three months."

"Are you fucking kidding me?" I scolded.

He shrugged. "I'm sorry."

"This is bullshit." I buried my face in my cold, shaking hands.

"One moment please," he sighed as he walked out the door.

For a moment, I was tempted to escape while he was gone. But to be honest, I was too weak to even stand up. I wanted to go home. I had learned my lesson. I wanted to leave this stupid place and find Alexa.

The doctor peeked his head back into my room and sighed. "Josh, you have a visitor. This is the last one I'm allowing."

I held my breath as to who the visitor might be, praying to God that it wasn't Amanda.

The door opened wider to reveal a tiny female figure in an oversized sweater and a pair of old jeans. "Hi," she smiled.

"Carly!" I grinned, extremely happy to see her after what felt like ages.

She walked over to my bed and sat down beside me. "Sorry I couldn't visit earlier. How've you been?"

"Not too well," I frowned. "You doing okay?"

She sighed. "I've had better weeks."

"What's wrong?"

"Well I feel shitty for not visiting you sooner for one thing," she shrugged.

"Don't worry about it," I smiled. "Hey, can you do me a favour?"

"Anything!" she chirped.

I looked around and leaned in close to her. "Can you get me the fuck out of here?"

Carly laughed and shoved me.

"I'm serious!" I frowned. "They're sending me back to rehab."

Carly reached over and took a sip of the Coke Zero I was not supposed to be drinking last night. "So?"

"So," I rolled my eyes, "spending my days locked up in a room thinking about death isn't exactly how I like to spend my time."

"Death?"

"Long story."

We paused for a moment and looked at each other. Carly was like my bundle of sunshine; being around her made it absolutely impossible to be upset about anything. She was an amazing listener and had an annoying habit of reading my mind. Nonetheless, she was one of my best friends and I hated that she was touring and could only visit me once in a blue moon.

"Look," her eyes wandered down then back up at me, "I know rehab is tough but—"

"No you don't," I cut her off.

"Okay, I don't," she continued patiently, "But just—you have to go. You'll be out of there before you know it, I promise."

I sighed.

"And hey," she added, "as depressing as this might sound, it's a great place to inspire song ideas. And you told me yourself you need a few more for the next album, right?"

I sighed again.

Carly stood up and gave me a hug before kissing my head. "If there's one thing I _can_promise, it's that things will get better."

She released her embrace and I stared up at her. "You're leaving, aren't you?" I asked solemnly.

She nodded. "Gotta catch a flight to Calgary."

"Thanks for stopping by," I half-smiled.

"Don't worry about it!" she beamed. "Text me, 'kay?"

I waved feebly as she walked out the door.

By early afternoon, I was sitting in my room at the rehab center. I had requested to be put in the same room as I was put when I was eighteen. Everything was just as I remembered; the walls were just as cold and dull, my bed was hard as rock, and the fluorescent lighting was extremely unwelcoming. The room even had the same musky scent as last time.

I did recall carving something out on one of the walls near my bed. I did a quick scan of the area before gasping at the mark I had left more than seven years ago. I bent down and used my sleeve to wipe away the dust covering the lettering.

"Get me out of here," I read it silently to myself.

I sighed and hoisted myself back up, plopped down on my pathetic excuse for a bed and stared at the ceiling.

_Get me out of here, _I thought.


	42. It's Getting Better in the Worst Way

**Author's Note: School starts tomorrow, and as Jackie's in grade 12 and I'm starting college I'm not entirely positive we'll be able to keep up the daily updates. I plan to attempt to write chapter 43 during my break tomorrow but...we'll see how that goes.**

* * *

><p>"He hung up on me!" Lily cried as she looked at me in shock.<p>

"Try calling him again," I suggested.

"No, it's no use," she sighed while putting her phone in her back pocket. "Let's just call it a night."

"But Alexa—" I started.

"She'll be fine," she reassured me while reaching out to grab my hand. "Come on, let's go make hot chocolate at my place."

I smiled and followed her anxiously, wondering what to expect. Being alone with Lily was amazing, but terrifying at the same time. I felt like a high school boy whose palms began to sweat at the sight of my crush. And to make matters worse, I was now worried about where Alexa might be. Sure, the girl didn't sit right with me, but she meant the world to Josh. I had to at least give her that.

Upon arriving at her apartment, she instructed me to sit on the couch.

"Hungry?" she asked.

"No," I sighed.

"What's wrong?" She stopped what she was doing and sat next to me.

"Dunno," I shrugged. "I'm worried about Josh and Alexa."

"Since when do you worry about Alexa?" she asked.

"Since she means the world to Josh and she's disappeared," I explained.

"Look," she stared at me with reassuring eyes, "Alexa will come home, I promise. She always does."

I looked out the window, noticing the heavy snow fall. "I better get home."

"Nonsense," she smiled, "it's miserable outside. You can stay here."

I shook my head. "I'll be fine."

"No, I insist." She got up and began brewing the hot chocolate. "Besides, who wants to be alone on New Years?"

I smiled at Lily's kindness and walked over to where she was cooking. I grabbed her waist from behind, rested my chin on her shoulder and kissed her cheek. "Thank you."

Lily blushed as she stopped what she was doing and put her arms around my neck. "What would I ever do without you?" she smiled.

I smiled back and began to kiss her, feeling sparks in every inch of my body. I put my hands through her soft hair as we slowly migrated from the kitchen to the couch. I held her tight, not wanting a single moment to go to waste. I finally built up the courage to stop and say what I had wanted to say since I first laid my eyes on her.

"I love you," I smiled.

She paused. "I love you too," she smiled back, sounding a bit surprised as she leaned in to kiss me again.

I shot up the next morning dazed and confused. It took me a good minute to figure out where I was, before seeing Lily curled up in a ball beside me, latching onto my sweater. I smiled at her peaceful state and rested my head back, thinking about last night. Life seemed to be doing nothing but getting better for me, and I was enjoying every second of it.

Suddenly, Lily began to squirm as she slowly opened her eyes.

"Morning, beautiful," I grinned.

"Hmmm?" she yawned. "Oh, morning," she smiled before leaning up to kiss me.

She slowly sat up and eventually looked at me with tired eyes. "Breakfast?"

"Sure," I stood up and held out my hand. She grabbed it and guided me to the kitchen before letting go and scanning the pantry.

"Shit," she turned to me. "Alexa's not home!"

My stomach started to sink, "How do you know? Check her room!"

Lily slammed the pantry door closed and scurried over to Alexa's bedroom.

"She's not here!" I heard her call out in a choked up voice.

Lily made her way back to the kitchen with tears building up in her eyes. "Ian, I'm scared."

I grabbed hold of her arms and pulled her into a tight embrace. "I'm sure she's fine."

Without warning, the door flew open, revealing a pale, gangly girl with long red hair.

"Oh." She took a step back at the sight of Lily and me hugging.

"Alexa!" Lily released me and ran over to hug her friend. "Are you okay?"

"Not really," she shrugged. "Sorry, was I interrupting something?" she peeked over at me.

"No, no," I smiled, "I'm glad you're home."

Alexa forced a smile as Lily closed the door and guided her to the couch.

"What's going on?" Lily asked.

"Well," Alexa started as I made my way to sit beside them. "This goes to the grave, okay?"

"Of course," Lily and I said in unison.

"I stole some of Josh's old heroin and…" her voice trailed off.

Lily sighed. "I knew it. Alexa you know better."

"I know, I know," she rolled her eyes, "I was a total fucking mess last night, which was why I wasn't answering my phone. And then Josh came and—"

"What do you mean Josh came?" I interrupted.

"Yeah…" Alexa said hesitantly, "When you guys left, he kinda snuck out of the hospital to find me."

"WHAT?" Lily exclaimed.

"I know, I know," Alexa rolled her eyes again. "I snuck him back in right away and…and…" she stuttered to a stop.

"And?" Lily pressed.

"And we spent the night together," Alexa hid her face in her hands.

"Did anything happen?" Lily asked cautiously.

"We made out." Alexa's voice was muffled by her hands.

There was a long pause as Lily and I stared at each other in shock and disappointment.

"And then," Alexa sniffled and raised her head, "And then I felt horrible for leading him on so I ran out without any explanation and now I feel like a fucking idiot."

"You mean you don't like him?" I asked in shock.

"I do—I mean—" she stuttered, "I'm just bad news. I don't want him to have to put up with me."

Lily stood up. "Well we can talk about all that later," she reached out her hand, "Let's get you something to eat."

Lily guided Alexa back to the kitchen and started making scrambled eggs and toast. Hours went by as Alexa unleashed her emotions about relapsing and of course, Josh. Just as we were in the middle of her story about sneaking back into the hospital, my phone started ringing.

"One sec," I held up my finger as I put the phone to my ear. "Hello?"

"Josh is in rehab," Matt sighed.

"Seriously?" I asked, "How do you know?"

"The doctor called me," he explained.

"Alright, we'll be over there later," I told him.

"We?" he asked.

"Lily and I. And hopefully Alexa," I said while Alexa was eyeing me.

"Alright, see you," Matt said before hanging up.

"Who was that?" Lily asked.

"Matt," I explained while looking at Alexa. "Josh is in rehab."

Alexa slammed her feet on the floor and began storming out the door, "I'm out of here."

"Aren't you gonna come visit Josh?" Lily exclaimed.

"NO!" she shouted, "I CAN'T!"

"Why not?" I exclaimed in a confused tone.

"I JUST—" tears began to form in her eyes, "I JUST CAN'T!" she yelled before running out, leaving nothing but the echo of the slamming door behind her.


	43. This Three Syllable War

"Matthew Webb? My name is Hector Newman. I was one of Joshua Ramsay's doctors. I'm calling to inform you that Mr. Ramsay was taken to the GF Strong Rehabilitation Centre earlier this afternoon."

"Rehab?" I said incredulously, my stomach sinking. Josh had told me about his experiences at rehab when we were teenagers, the depression and withdrawal and suicidal thoughts. I would have never wished for him to repeat something like that, and for some reason I thought they wouldn't make him. "_Why_?"

"It's protocol, Mr. Webb," Dr. Newman said. "Mr. Ramsay has a serious illness. It's our job to ensure he makes a full recovery."

"Thanks for letting me know," I said dully. As soon as the line went dead, I called Mike. "They've put Josh in rehab," I said when he picked up.

I could hear Mike's sharp intake of breath over the phone. "Bet Josh is loving that. Are you on your way to see him?"

"Later. I have to talk to Amanda first." I had been on my way to her apartment when the hospital called; part of me appreciated the interruption.

"You haven't done that yet?"

"I was on my way." I smiled grimly.

Mike paused. "How'd things with Jess go?"

"About as well as can be expected," I sighed. "She doesn't hate me anymore, at least."

"I'm sure things will work out, Matt," Mike said soothingly. "Good luck with Amanda."

"Thanks," I said. I felt like I would need it.

After Mike, I quickly called Ian to tell him the news. Surprisingly, he was with Lily; of course, everyone else's life had to start going perfectly the moment mine turned to shit.

Immediately, I felt guilty for thinking it; after all, Josh was the one who was returning to the haunted place of his nightmares. All I had to do was tell a girl how I actually felt.

There was nothing to it.

It only took me a couple of minutes from there to reach Amanda's apartment. I hesitated for a moment outside the door before knocking cautiously, rehearsing what I wanted to say.

The moment Amanda opened the door, all my practiced words flew out of my head. She didn't look good: her eyes were red and puffy, her hair a tangled mess. I opened my mouth, and what came out was, "Are you okay?"

"Fine," Amanda said stiffly. Her voice was nothing short of hostile. "Why are you here?"

The words were on my lips, but her tone made me hesitate. It certainly didn't sound like she cared about me anymore, if she ever had; maybe I was already too late. So instead I said, "Josh is in rehab."

Amanda was silent, a myriad of emotions flickering over her face. Then she started to close the door on me—the second girl to do that in the past hour. I quickly stuck out my arm and forced the door open. "What are you _doing_?"

"Josh is the last person I want to hear about right now," she said, sounding close to tears. "And you're the last person I want to see right now. So please, _leave_."

I couldn't help recoiling a bit at her statement; all my worst fears were coming true. It _was_ too late. But I wasn't quite ready to give up yet—I hadn't lost my girlfriend and potentially my best friend for nothing. "Why?" I asked desperately.

"Because I'm so sick of this!" Amanda burst out. "I can't take it anymore—looking at you and not knowing if you feel the same. I'd just as soon not see you at all."

Something she said caught my attention and gave me a bit of hope. "Feel the same as what?" I asked cautiously.

Amanda sighed and turned her head so she wasn't looking directly at me. "Does it really need saying?"

I don't know if she expected it to be obvious, but I was completely lost. "Yes?"

Her eyes flickered to mine and then back away. "I'm in love with you, okay? I think I have been for a while, I was just too fucking stupid to admit it to myself—"

I gaped at her, dumbstruck and speechless. "But what about Josh?" I finally managed to say. Amanda glanced up at me, looking both angry and hurt.

"Is that all you have to say?" When I couldn't find the words to respond, she sighed and continued, "I still love him, but not like that. Not anymore. It's more like...I've loved him for so long, I don't know how to stop. But I don't think I could be _with_ him again." She sighed again. "I don't know why I'm telling you this, when it's obvious you don't feel the same." She looked like she was about to cry.

"What do you mean, it's obvious?" I asked, feeling both overwhelmed and confused. "I told you how I felt last night!"

"You told me that you like blue," Amanda said, looking exasperated. "And as nice as that is, I really don't see what that has to do with—"

"No, not 'I like blue'!" I said, laughing with relief and cursing my drunken tongue. "I like _you_! I was trying to tell you that...I love you."

Amanda looked at me searchingly, as if she could find the truth hidden on my face. "Do you?" she asked softly.

I gulped, and nodded.

Now Amanda laughed too, collapsing against the doorframe. "I'm so _stupid_," she moaned. "And all this time I'd half-convinced myself that you hated me, that you had to after everything I'd done to you..."

"We're both stupid," I agreed, feeling amazingly light-hearted. "I was so afraid it would be too late, because it took copious amounts of alcohol for me to even admit how I felt to myself."

"We went about this all backwards, didn't we?" she said, giggling a little. "Usually you're supposed to kiss someone _after_ you know how you feel about them."

"True," I granted, grinning broadly. "Maybe this time we can do things the right way."

Amanda's eyes widened at my tacit suggestion. "Sounds good to me," she whispered, and I went with my impulse and pulled her into my arms. It felt good to have her there again, and for a while we just stood in her doorway, holding each other.

Suddenly she pulled away, eying me suspiciously. "Why do you smell like perfume?"

"I was talking to Jessica earlier, and—" I tried to explain.

Amanda took another step away from me, her eyes narrow and a hurt expression flickering over her face. "Did you tell her that you love _her_, too?"

"N-no," I stuttered, wondering how things had gone wrong so quickly. "I mean, I did, but—" It was the wrong thing to say, I knew that immediately, but it was too late. The door was already being slammed in my face, closing too quickly for me to stop it.

"Make up your damn mind!" I heard Amanda's muffled voice say.

"I did!" I shouted hopelessly through the wood. "I told Jess I loved her, but I'm not _in_ love with her. I love her like you love Josh, can't you accept that?"

There was a silence, and for a moment I was afraid Amanda had left. Then, "Is that all?" she said.

"Yes," I sighed, leaning against the door. "I'm not able to see her in that way anymore. _You're_ the one I want, Amanda."

She opened the door so quickly that I almost fell over. I stumped to my feet to see Amanda standing inches away from me, her eyes shining. "Really?" she whispered.

"_Yes_," I said again, exasperated. "How many times do I have to say it? I want you, I want us, I want a relationship, and fuck what Josh or anyone else says."

"A real relationship," Amanda said, her eyes never leaving mine.

"A real relationship," I agreed. "No more going behind backs or hiding. No more secrets, for either of us."

"I'd like that," Amanda murmured, subtly shifting towards me.

"Me too. Now that that's settled—" I broke off and gulped; Amanda was tracing my collarbone with a finger, and I found it extremely distracting. She giggled softly, and I ploughed on determinedly. "What do you say to dinner tomorrow?"

"That sounds lovely," Amanda said, now tracing the line of my jaw. It took everything I had to keep my concentration.

"Great. I'll pick you up—"

"Would you just shut up, Matt?" Amanda asked, looking at me in a way that made me speechless anyhow. She giggled again at my sudden silenced. "Much better." Her hand, which had been exploring the contours of my face, slipped behind my head to grasp my hair, and she pulled herself up to meet my lips.

"_Much_ better," I murmured in agreement against her mouth, grinning. I could feel her smiling back. This kiss was better than all the others we'd shared, a thousand times better; for the first time, I felt no guilt, only an intense joy. Finally, this was _right_, with no second guessing.

My hands slid through the soft hair that I loved so much, before slipping down to grasp her slim waist to pull her closer to me.

When we were both breathless she pulled away, her eyes sparkling and a smile stretching her face—I knew I was grinning identically. "Would you like to come in?" she asked, her tone teasing.

My grin widened, if that was possible. "I'd love to." Amanda took my hand and pulled me into the apartment, shutting the door behind us and dragging me over to the couch. We sat down there, curled around each other, and for the time being I allowed myself to be purely happy; it seemed like I had been anything but happy for so long.

"_Fuck_. I'm supposed to visit Josh," I remembered several hours later, sitting up abruptly. I had completely forgotten that he had been taken to rehab earlier that day.

Amanda sighed, running a hand through her mussed up hair. "Do you have to?"

"I should." Josh was the one missing piece in the puzzle; I needed to fix whatever it was that was between us. "Do you want to come?"

Amanda looked terrified. "I can't," she whispered. "I'm not ready to see him yet."

"That's okay," I reassured her, getting to my feet. "I'll see you later, alright?" I bent down to kiss her on the head.

"Tomorrow," Amanda grinned, standing up to follow me to the door. "Six o'clock sharp, or I might leave without you."

"We can't have that now, can we?" I said teasingly. It was unbelievable how easy things were between us now; hell, everything that had just _happened_ was unbelievable. I leaned forward and touched my lips to hers. "I'll be here."

* * *

><p><strong>Author's Note: C'mon, you guys have to admit, they're adorable.<strong>


	44. The Guilt in Me is the Hurt in You

"I'm here to see Josh Ramsay," I told the woman sitting behind the reception desk at the rehab centre. She glanced up briefly, before tapping something out on her keyboard. Then she sighed.

"If you'd just follow me this way, please," she said, standing up and leading me down a hallway off the back of the lobby. "I'm sure he'll be glad to have some company—he's been unresponsive so far, but that's perfectly normal..."

If she was hoping that they'd get a response out of Josh soon, she was sorely mistaken; Josh had the ability to be ridiculously stubborn when he chose.

"Anyway, here we are," she finished, coming to a halt outside a nondescript door.

I knocked cautiously. When there was no answer, I looked questioningly over at the receptionist, and she nodded at me to open the door. The knob turned easily under my hand.

The room was barren, aside from a bed pushed up against the far wall and a small writing desk and chair. A vase of flowers sitting on the desktop tried futilely to brighten the room; a small window allowed in some of the weak winter light. Josh was lying on the bed, his eyes focused on the ceiling. He didn't stir when I entered the room.

"Hey," I said softly, pulling the desk chair up next to the bed. When Josh still didn't show any sign that he knew I was there, I added, "How are you feeling?"

At first, Josh didn't say anything. Then, "You should've let them kill me," he whispered hoarsely, his eyes still on the ceiling. I saw a tear trickle from the corner of his eye. "I'd do it myself...except they've made that impossible." He laughed bitterly, dispassionately. Now I knew the reason for the room's starkness.

"You don't mean that," I said quickly.

"Yes I do." At last Josh turned his head to look at me. I was surprised by the lack of emotion on his face; only a few tears betrayed him. He looked empty and lost. "You don't know what it's like, Mike."

"No, I don't," I admitted readily. "I can't imagine what it's like to be stuck in a place like this _once_, never mind twice. I have no idea what you're going through. But death isn't the answer, Josh, you're stronger than—"

"I don't know why people keep telling me I'm strong," Josh interrupted, returning his gaze to the ceiling. "I'm the weakest fucking person I know. I need pills just to pretend I'm normal, and the moment I stop taking them, _this_ happens. That's not _strong_."

"It is," I argued gently. "Because despite all your demons and ghosts, you became someone most people could only hope to be." Josh snorted, and I continued as if I hadn't heard him. "You let them get the best of you before, but you survived and came out all the stronger for it. You can survive it this time, too."

"Not like I have much choice," Josh said sullenly. "They would never let me die."

I winced at his words, the angry way he said them. "You don't actually want to die."

"How do you know?" Josh asked, voice breaking. "How do you _know_ what I want? Because here's what I know: I'm messed up and broken, and no one wants me. No one needs me. Everything hurts, and I don't want to be here anymore. So why should I stay?"

"You're wrong," I contradicted him, hating the way he hated himself. "_We_ need you. Marianas needs you. And not just as our voice or as our leader, but as our friend. Our fans need you, your family needs you. There's a thousand people who wouldn't know what to do if you were gone. Stay for _them_."

Josh was silent; I didn't know if he had taken in a word of what I had just said.

"I _hate _it here," he said suddenly, vehemently, gesturing about the room. "I don't know why they brought me here. I don't need it; it just makes everything so much worse."

"How much do you want it right now?" I asked quietly. I knew Josh knew what I was talking about.

"More than anything," Josh admitted after a moment, and I noticed a few more tears escape down his cheek. "But it's because I'm _here_ that I want it so badly, because this place brings back so many bad memories and feelings I just want to forget."

"That's not the answer, Josh—"

"Fuck, you think I don't know that?" he shouted, his voice rising abruptly. "I _know_ it's not the answer, but it's the only thing that makes me feel better, because it makes me feel something. Doesn't that count for _anything_?"

I only gazed at him sadly while he continued to glare fixedly at the ceiling. Behind us, I heard the sound of the door opening and turned my head to see Ian and Lily enter.

"Hi," Ian said, closing the door behind them.

It appeared Josh had returned to his previous mute state, so I said, "Hey," in return.

"Is Matt not here yet?" Ian asked, looking around the small room. "He said he'd see us...I assumed he'd be coming over right away."

"Of course not," Josh muttered, quiet enough that maybe I only heard him. "He has better fucking things to do with his time."

"Matt's—" I hesitated, glancing over at Josh. I didn't know how much he knew about what was going on between Matt and Amanda, but, regardless, I didn't think it was something he needed to hear right now. "He has a few things he needs to clear up first. He'll be here later."

"Oh...alright," Ian said, looking a little confused. Thankfully he didn't ask any questions, instead pulling Lily over to stand over Josh's bed. "Are you doing okay?"

Josh laughed, the same harsh, bitter tone he'd used before. "Oh yeah, I'm fucking fantastic," he said sarcastically. "Never been better. I've always wanted to end up in the same fucking room I spent the worst part of my life in."

"Would you calm down, Josh?" Lily asked. "We're just trying to help."

"I don't need _your help_," Josh said. "I need to get the fuck out of here. And since that isn't happening, I'd just as soon be miserable on my own."

Ian looked like he was about to retort angrily, but I put out a hand to stop him; after all, neither him nor Lily had seen the vulnerable Josh of a few minutes ago. "You don't have to be miserable," I said gently.

Josh laughed again, hollowly. "That's easier said than done. Besides, I'm happier when I'm miserable."

"That doesn't even make sense!" Lily exclaimed, sounding a little angry. "For God's sake, Josh, could you at least _try_?"

"Like you _tried_ to find Alexa last night?" Josh shot at her, at last meeting her eyes. His gaze was cold and hard. "Nice fucking job with that, by the way—she could have died!"

"If it wasn't for you, is that it?" Lily snapped back. "What were you _thinking_, sneaking out of the hospital in the middle of the night, in your condition?"

"'My condition,' is that's what it's called now?" Josh retorted, before what little colour was in his face drained away. "Wait, how did you know about that?"

Lily looked a little uncomfortable.

"You talked to Alexa, didn't you?"

"This morning," Lily admitted.

"What did she tell you?"

"Everything..."

"Fuck," Josh muttered. "Did you...tell her where I am?" He sounded a little hopeful, but both Ian and Lily were silent, sharing a glance with each other. "She didn't want to come, did she?"

"She said she couldn't," Ian said, looking apologetic.

"Fuck her, anyway," Josh mumbled, but he looked even more miserable than before, if possible. He returned his gaze to the ceiling. "Look, could you all just leave? I'd rather be alone right now, thanks."

"We should wait for Matt..." I started uncertainly.

"Fuck Matt," Josh said sharply. "If he wanted to be here, he would be. He's probably too busy fucking around with Amanda to care about me, anyway."

I shared a shocked glance with Ian. I thought Josh hadn't known about that; it was obvious now that Ian definitely hadn't. "He's not..." I began.

"C'mon, I'm not _that_ stupid, Mike," Josh said coldly. "They weren't exactly being subtle about it...and besides, Amanda told me about what was going on."

"Oh," I said awkwardly.

"If he wants to choose my ex-girlfriend over me, that's fine," Josh said.

At that moment, the door opened and Matt slipped inside the room. He looked a little ruffled, and happiness and worry were warring on his face.

"Look who decided to show up," Josh said sarcastically, glancing over him.

"Sorry," Matt mumbled. "I was busy..."

"Oh yeah, how's Amanda doing?" Josh asked meanly.

Matt turned white. "What?" he whispered.

"That's right, your little secret isn't so secret anymore," Josh told him. "Everyone knows now. Exactly how long did you expect to keep it to yourself?"

"I wasn't—" Matt started, but Josh continued over him.

"What the fuck did you think you were doing? Fooling around with my ex-girlfriend behind my back?"

"I'm sorry!" Matt yelled. "I can't help the way I feel, okay?"

"You could have _told _me!" Josh shouted.

"I was just about to!" Matt paused, looking suddenly distraught. "You're not still in love with her, are you?"

"No," Josh told him icily, "but that doesn't mean _you_ can have her."

"She's not yours to give away!" Matt yelled. "I love her and she loves me, and there's nothing you can do about it!"

There was a cold silence.

"Leave," Josh said.

"What?" Matt asked disbelievingly.

"Leave," Josh repeated. "I don't want you here anymore."

"I came to apologize," Matt said quietly. "I wanted to fix things between us."

"Well it's too fucking late for that, isn't it?"

They stared at each other, Matt looking upset, Josh angry; they both looked hurt.

"Fine," Matt said simply, turning on his heel and leaving the room and a shocked silence behind him.

"Fuck him," Josh said quietly, all the anger going out of him. "Fuck everything."


	45. Letting Go

**Author's Note: So I work from 10 to 6:30 tomorrow, and the same hours on Sunday, plus school has left me exhausted. I'll _try_ to finish 46 as soon as possible, but no promises.**

* * *

><p>"Josh, you have a visitor," the nurse told me as I was lying on my bed, staring at the ceiling for what felt like months.<p>

"Tell them to leave," I retorted. It had been a few days since my fight with Matt, and since then I had refused to allow anyone into my room. I needed to be alone; I couldn't get enough alone time lately. If I had another visitor, and I'd end up saying something I'd regret—not that I hadn't already.

The nurse sighed, threw up her hands, and walked away, revealing a tall female figure standing motionless in the doorway. I immediately turned my body to face the opposite wall.

I heard the door close behind her following a series of hesitant footsteps leading to my bedside. The room was deafened with silence.

"Hi," she tried.

I remained silent.

"How are you?" she attempted again.

Silence.

I felt her sit on the very edge of my bed. "Listen," she took a deep breath, "I don't know what you want me to say. I don't know what will fix this. I love you, but not that way anymore. I know this isn't fair to you, but…part of me doesn't understand why you're mad. You love Alexa, don't you? And I love Matt. I—I don't understand why we have to keep going on like this. We both fucked up, Josh. So why are you blaming me for everything?"

Silence.

I heard her let out a huge sigh before getting up and walking towards the door. I had never seen Amanda play with my emotions like that, and before I knew it, tears were flooding my face. Why was I being so fucking cold to her? She wasn't any more wrong than I was.

"I'm sorry," I muttered in an incomprehensible tone seconds before she was about to leave.

"What?" she stopped to look at me.

I slowly began to turn my body towards her. She noticed the tears streaming down my face and closed the door immediately.

I took a deep, shaking breath. "I'm sorry," I said more clearly.

"Why?" she crossed her arms and took short strides towards my bed.

I looked up at the ceiling and covered my face with my shaking hands. "I'm not being fair to you."

She sighed. "It's alright—"

"No." I looked directly into her musky green eyes. "It's not. You literally did nothing wrong. Okay, maybe it wasn't very smart going after my best friend, but it's not like I'm totally innocent."

"Are you still mad at Matt?" she asked.

I shuddered at his name and refused to respond.

"You can't stay mad at him forever," she said, turning away. "You're practically family."

I snorted. "In what world?"

"Josh," she eyed me, "I was the one who lead him on."

I folded my arms.

"Josh," she warned.

"Can we just not fucking talk about this right now?" My voice grew louder. "One thing at a time. I wanna fix this first." I motioned my finger between the two of us.

"You do?" she exclaimed surprised.

I nodded before a long pause drew out.

"Did you ever love me?" she asked.

I almost laughed at the stupidity of her question. "Of course I did," I said while weakly sitting up.

She shot me a half smile and looked around the room. "Fuck, this place is depressing…"

"Thanks," I responded sarcastically, "Same room as last time."

"Seriously?" she gasped, looking around more intensively.

"Mhm," I muttered. The awkwardness of this conversation was excruciating.

"You're gonna get better, Josh." She reached out and gently touched my hand. "You know that, right?"

I simply forced a small smile, not knowing how to respond.

"I better get going," she sighed, standing up.

"Wait," I blurted.

She turned around.

"We can still be friends…right?" I asked, slightly embarrassed.

She smiled genuinely and strolled to my bed before softly kissing my forehead. "Of course."

Amanda slowly made her way to the doorway and paused for a moment before turning around looking at me. "Try to stay optimistic, alright? Call me if you need anything."

I took a deep breath and exhaled with a nod as she walked out the door. As much as I was still irritated about being in this stupid place, I was glad Amanda and I had worked things out. I still had mixed feelings towards Matt; however the thought of him and I not talking to each other anymore scared the shit out of me.

I heard a sudden quick knock at the door before it flew open. "Josh, dinner," my nurse announced.

I sighed and used up all my energy to force myself up and weakly make my way to the dreaded cafeteria. It was usually fairly empty, considering nobody ever came to this particular rehab center. However, it was definitely busier than it was when I was a teenager.

I found my regular seat at the very far corner of the room and slouched in my seat, avoiding my meal at all costs. I hadn't eaten in weeks; I didn't understand why they even tried to feed me.

I almost jumped when I realized someone was sitting across the table from me.

"Can you leave?" I asked rudely, not giving a shit how I sounded at the moment.

The kid didn't say anything and simply continued to absently twirl his fork in his food.

"Seriously," I pressed, "I'd like to be alone."

He didn't stir one bit.

I paused and studied his pasty face. "What are you in for?" I asked. He looked to be no more than seventeen.

The kid put his fork down and sighed, "Nothing," he stated.

I cackled. "Yeah, bullshit."

He shot me a dirty look. "My mom found my sister's crack in my backpack and sent me here."

"Oh," I responded uneasily.

"You?" he asked forcefully.

"Don't worry about it," I looked down at my food.

"Hey," he shot up, "aren't you Josh Ramsay?"

My heart began beating fast. "Depends who's asking," I said coolly.

"I'm just…" his voice trailed off as he began to piece together the puzzle, "I'm a fan."

"Awesome," I smiled sarcastically.

He paused before practically shouting; "Wait—you're not here for…"

I shot him a warning glance, as if to say he'd never see the light of day again if he finished his question.

"…heroin?" he finished uncertainly.

I slammed my fork down and stormed out of the eating area with as much force as my weak body would allow. I couldn't believe I'd just been recognized by a fan. I had to leave, and I wasn't talking about rehab. I had to leave this fucking world. There was no safe place; I was trapped in this hellhole. I stormed into my room, remembering the knife I packed ages ago. I wasn't sure if I still had it, but it was worth looking.

As I tunnelled my hand through miles of useless clothing, I felt something sharp scrape my hand and continued to dig with more determination than I'd had in weeks.

I latched on to the blade and pulled it out before staring at it prudently.

Just as it made contact with my wrist, the door swung open.

"Uhhh—"

Matt was standing motionless in the doorway.


	46. Back to Where I Should Be

**Author's Note: SUPER SORRY about the slow update: I worked and worked and worked and then I died and then I woke up and went to school. I finally managed to finish this chapter. Four more to go!**

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><p>Thinking about my last fight with Josh made me sick to my stomach. I had been so ready to fix things with him, but now I wasn't sure he wanted the same thing. Mike told me I should try to talk to him again, but I didn't see much point, not when Josh was turning away everyone who tried to see him.<p>

But Mike had a point when he said Josh couldn't avoid us forever, and I couldn't avoid _him_ forever. So on Tuesday evening, I headed over to the rehab centre after dinner.

"I'm here to see Josh Ramsay," I told the lady at the front desk. She had been working last time I had been here, too, and I knew that she recognized me when she looked up.

"He's not going to want to see you," she sighed, "although I suspect you already knew that."

"I know," I said. "But I have to try."

"Alright. You know the way."

I did; I had walked this path too often, both last week and numerous times seven or eight years before. I had no idea why Josh had asked to be put in the same room he had suffered in when he was a teenager; surely it was just making the whole experience worse.

I made my way down the dull, fluorescent hallway, stopping outside Josh's room. I considered knocking on the door, but I knew what Josh's likely reaction to that would be. Instead, I pushed the door open and stepped inside.

And froze.

Josh was sitting on the edge of his bed, the blade of a knife pressed to his skin.

"Uhhh—" I stuttered. It was the only thing I could think of to say. Josh looked up, his eyes widening as he attempted to hide the knife out of sight. It was too late for that, of course. I could see several droplets of blood beading on the skin of his wrist.

"What the fuck are you doing here?" Josh asked defensively, but his voice shook. "I thought I said—"

"What the fuck are _you_ doing?" I shot back, cutting him off. Suddenly I was angry, and afraid, and I took another step into the room and closed the door behind me.

"Nothing," Josh said quickly, the hand holding the knife still hidden behind his back.

I narrowed my eyes at him. "I saw you."

"No, it's just...I..." Clearly seeing that he was getting nowhere, Josh sighed and pulled the knife into plain view, staring at the blade. "Fuck, man. I just wanted a way out."

"And this was your answer?" I stared at him disbelievingly. "Dude, if you want out of here, you have to get better. You can't pull shit like this."

Josh kept his eyes focused on the blade, turning it over and over in his hand. When he spoke, it was so low I almost didn't hear him. "It's not here I want out of."

"What are you talking about?" But I was afraid I already knew what I was talking about; I had seen Josh like this before.

"I want out," Josh whispered, "of everything. I'm so sick of this place, of living like this and hating myself and not being able to be normal...I'm sick of trying to deal with it all. I want out."

The fear bubbled up inside of me and came out as anger. "_No!_ You can't mean that! What the fuck, Josh?"

Josh laughed bitterly, still not meeting my eyes. "What'd I tell you? _I'm not normal._"

"No, Josh, that's not what I meant—"

"It is, and you might as well say it. You've been hiding enough from me lately."

"I didn't—"

"You didn't?" Josh laughed again. "Then what do you call it when you started fooling around with Amanda behind my back?"

"I didn't want to hide it from you!" I shouted. "I would've told you if you hadn't been such a fucking douche, if you hadn't pushed me away and hurt everyone—that was the whole reason Amanda came to me anyway, because _you_ hurt her!"

"So now this is my fault?"

"Well, yeah, maybe a little bit!"

"Oh, really?" Josh said sarcastically. "How's that?"

"Stop acting so goddamn innocent!" I yelled, feeling angry and frustrated and sick; this was going exactly the opposite of how I'd planned it. "You can't get mad at us from hiding stuff from you, when you hid something bigger from all of us! You promised me, Josh, that this wouldn't happen again, and if it did that you would tell me. You were supposed to trust me!"

Josh's lip curled. "Like you trust me?"

"I do trust you! Or, at least, I did—But how do you think it feels to be left in the dark while your best friend goes through a drug addiction, when you're supposed to be there but you _can't _be? And to have this happen _twice_?"

"You should've known," Josh said quietly. "You _could've_ known, I left enough signs—I didn't want to tell you, because I knew you'd be disappointed, and I was hoping that someone would _see_, that someone would prove they actually care—except no one did. No one does."

"I do. We all do," I said softly.

"No, you don't. The only time anyone _cared_ is when it was almost too late. Is this what it takes for you to care, Matt?" Josh raised the knife blade, letting it hover over his wrist. His hand was shaking violently, and when he looked up at me I saw that there was desperation in his eyes.

"No!" I shouted, terrified. "Josh, you can't!"

"Why not?" Josh asked, trying and failing to sound strong. "Why is so bad for me to want to feel something other than _this_?" He waved the knife wildly, gesturing about the room.

"There're other ways to do that, better ways. This isn't one of them."

"You're wrong," Josh said quietly, moving the blade so it again hung just about his wrist. "Well? Are you going to stop me?" He pressed the knife against his pale skin.

I leapt forward, my hand closing around his arm. Josh was still weak, and I overpowered him easily, lifting his hand and wrestling the knife away from him. A thin line of blood appeared on his skin where the blade had been.

"I'm not letting you do this to yourself," I said, sliding the blade back into the handle and pocketing it. "Not again."

"You already did," Josh hissed angrily, but he made no attempt to take the knife back from me.

`"I know," I said heavily, sinking down to sit next to him on the bed. "I'm sorry. I should've been there from the start. I should've seen what was going on—I think I _did_ see it, but I didn't want to believe it, so I ignored it." I paused, and noticed that Josh was staring at me. "I've screwed up so much lately," I finished lamely, "and I just want to fix it."

"You think _you_ screwed up?" Josh whispered hoarsely, his eyes wet. "Fuck, Matt, I don't even know where to start..." He buried his face in his hands and from the way his body was shaking, I knew he was sobbing.

I didn't know what to do. It had been years since I had seen Josh cry like this. I sat next to him, staring at my hands until he raised his head and wiped his eyes.

"I've fucked up _everything_," Josh said in a strangled voice. "I've fucked up my life, and the band, and I've been pushing everyone away, and I lost my girlfriend and my best friend. And it's too late for me to fix it."

"It's not too late," I said. "You said that before, too, and look where you ended up."

Josh laughed. "Yeah, look where I ended up."

"Not _here_," I said impatiently, "not now. Before all this happened again. You can't tell me that's not where you've always wanted to be."

"Yes," Josh conceded, "but—"

"And besides," I interrupted, "you haven't lost me, or any of us. We're all here for you."

"Are you?" Josh asked quietly.

"_Yes_," I said, "if you'd let us be."

"I'm sorry," Josh said after a moment. "I mean, I was being stupid and a dickbag and none of you deserved that."

"It's okay. I mean, at the time I thought you were being a douche, but now that I know what was going on I feel like I was being a douche, and I shouldn't have—" I shrugged helplessly.

"Dude, drop it. I forgive you, okay?"

I grinned, relief flooding through me. But there was still one more thing I needed to clear up. "About Amanda..."

"It's fine," Josh said, with a shrug that made me wonder if it really was. Seeing my concerned glance, he added, "No, really. I still think it's kinda weird that you ended up with her so soon after we broke up, but...you really care about her?"

I nodded earnestly. "And I didn't mean for it to happen like this...actually, I didn't mean for it to happen at all, neither of us did. But it did, and neither of us could really help it, you know?"

Josh nodded contemplatively. "Yeah," he said, "and I suppose I can't hate you for that. Just...give me time to adjust, okay?"

"Are you sure you don't still love her?" I asked cautiously.

"Yeah. I mean, I do, but it's not like that. I think we've both moved on past the point of being in a relationship, and besides..." he trailed off.

"Alexa?" I guessed, and Josh nodded, looking a little miserable.

"I think I'm in love with her," he admitted, "but..."

"But?" I pressed.

"I don't know if she feels the same. Every time she gets close to saying something, she ends up running away, and I haven't seen her in days, not since—" Josh broke off abruptly, his jaw set, and I decided not to pursue the subject.

"I'm sure she'll come around," I joked instead. "I mean, you're Josh fucking Ramsay."

"I _was_ Josh fucking Ramsay," he corrected.

"And you will be again," I said staunchly.

The ghost of a smile flickered over Josh's face. "Maybe."

"Definitely. You're going to come out of this alive and even more badass than before, and I'll be behind you every step of the way."

"Thanks," Josh murmured, turning to look at me, and I saw he had tears in his eyes.

"Are you going to cry?" I asked, alarmed. That wasn't what I wanted.

"No," Josh mumbled, wiping at his eyes with the back of his hands. "It's these drugs, they make me so fucking emotional..." He scowled.

"Emotion's not always a bad thing," I offered.

Josh looked at me, his eyes clear and honest, a little bloodshot. "Seriously, Matt, thanks. For being here."

"I always will be," I promised. It was a promise I had made before, and this time I wouldn't break it.

Josh snorted. "Shouldn't we hug or something, now that we're all made up?"

I grinned, and opened my arms cautiously to him. "Absolutely." For a moment, Josh stared at me like I was insane, then he leaned forward with a short laugh and wrapped his arms around me. The hug was loose and Josh pulled away quickly, but I couldn't help but feel as if it fixed everything between us.

Everything finally felt right again.


	47. I'll Make This Perfect Again

**Author's Note: Three to go.**

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><p>"Hello?" I answered the phone, feeling slightly irritated.<p>

"Hey man, do you know where Alexa is?" Matt asked.

"Not a clue…" My voice trailed off. I was on my way to Lily's place and the last thing I needed was to start stressing about the whereabouts of Josh's...lover? Girlfriend? Crush? I didn't even know what to call her anymore.

I heard Matt sigh.

"Why do you ask?" I inquired.

"I dunno…" He paused. "I just thought maybe she'd cheer him up."

"Have you talked to him?" I asked.

"Yeah, I just got back from the rehab center," Matt explained. "We're cool now, but he's still pretty distraught."

"Oh…" I didn't know what to say.

Matt sighed for what felt like the tenth time. "I'll talk to you later."

The line went dead before I had a chance to say goodbye, leaving me standing slightly unsettled outside Lily's apartment door.

Before I could even knock, the door swung open revealing her bright face. "Hey, you!" She leaned up to kiss me and pulled me inside. I sat down awkwardly on the couch.

"What's wrong?" she said, reading my mind.

"Just got off the phone with Matt," I shrugged. "Apparently Josh can't get over Alexa."

Lily sat down and sighed. "What else is new…"

"Where do you think she is?" I looked at her, feeling a little fearful.

Lily didn't respond. She simply took a deep breath and rested her head on my shoulder. I leaned my back against the couch, put my arm around her and kissed the top of her head. Usually, cuddling with Lily made every problem I had going on completely disappear. However, no matter how hard I tried, I couldn't erase the sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach. Something didn't feel right, and I refused to be happy until everyone else was.

Just as I was about to speak up, the door whipped open without warning.

"Shit," the red-headed beauty muttered at the doorway.

"Alexa?" Lily whispered in a stunned tone as she began to slowly untangle herself from my arms.

Alexa frantically closed the door behind her and sat down on the coffee table in front of us. "I'm leaving."

"What?" I asked.

She looked at me and then back to Lily. "I'm going back to Toronto," she explained.

My stomach sank. "What about Josh?" I asked hesitantly.

"What about Josh?" she shot back sarcastically.

"Well, you have to at least say goodbye to him," Lily jumped in.

"No," Alexa shook her head, "no. Besides, my flight's in three hours. I won't have time."

Lily sighed. "I'm gonna miss you."

I looked at Lily in disbelief; how could she just throw in the towel like that?

Alexa half-smiled. "You too."

The two girls shared a lengthy embraced while thoughts of how Josh would react to this rushed through my skull.

"See ya, Ian," Alexa waved and walked out the door.

"Wait!" I cried out. I couldn't let her leave.

Alexa sprinted back.

I paused for a moment, entirely forgetting what I planned on saying; "W—what about all your things?" I sighed, feeling more senseless than I had in ages.

"Already packed while you two were out," she shrugged before giving us one last wave and heading out the door.

Lily put her head back on my shoulders and exhaled. "What now?"

Good question.

"Maybe you should go visit Josh," Lily suggested.

I sighed. "You're probably right."

"Want me to come?" she asked.

"No, I'll be fine." I stared into her eyes before lifting her chin and kissing her. "I'll call you later."

I sluggishly made my way to the rehab center, not exactly sure what to expect. I knew Josh couldn't be angry at me, but from the way he acted the last time I saw him, I couldn't help but think he might be.

"I'm here to see Josh Ramsay," I announced to the receptionist.

The lady sighed. "I don't know why you guys even bother."

I shrugged.

"You know the way." She motioned her hand towards the hallway before sitting back down.

I nervously paced towards Josh's room, feeling awfully uneasy. I was more worried about how he'd talk about Alexa rather than whether or not he was mad at me.

I cautiously knocked on the door.

"Yeah," I heard a groggy, muffled voice say from the other side.

I creaked the door open and gradually made my way inside. Josh was seated cross-legged in the center of his bed, fiddling with the silver bracelet he always wore.

"H—how are you feeling?" I asked.

Josh shrugged. "A little better I guess." He looked up and shot me a half-smile which instantly relieved my sinking stomach.

I walked over and sat down on his bed. A deafening silence drew out while I was trying to come up with things to say.

"Ian?" Josh broke the stillness.

I stared at him.

"I'm sorry," he muttered.

His apology took me by surprise and I crinkled my eyebrows. "Why?"

"I've been treating you like shit while you were one of the only people who hadn't done anything to…piss me off." Josh chuckled lightly.

"Yeah except date your cousin without telling you," I added.

Josh waved his hand as if to say it didn't matter. "I was wrong, and I'm sorry."

"No problem," I replied unsurely. "Since when are _you _so optimistic?"

Josh shrugged. "I've had time to think in here," he admitted.

"You know," I started, "I'm proud of you, really. Most people would've given up, but not you. I always knew you were strong, but sometimes I underestimate how resilient you really are. And I mean, who cares if Alexa's leaving. You still have—"

"What?" Josh interrupted, fear strangling his face.

I froze. What the fuck did I just say?

"W—what?" I felt my cheeks turn bright red.

"Alexa's leaving?" Josh's eyes began to turn glassy.

I sighed and looked down. "Yeah."

"Where?" Josh exclaimed.

"She's heading back to Toronto. Her flight leaves in about two hours," I explained before looking up at him. "I'm sorry, man."

As Josh remained completely frozen, I waited anxiously for his reaction. I felt so stupid—why was I the one who had to break it to him?

Unexpectedly, Josh perked up. "I have to find her." His eyes were wide with confidence and expectation as if to say he had just come up with a genius idea.

"H—how?" I stuttered.

"Sneak me out." He looked at me eagerly.

I paused, "What? N—no, I can't. No. Not happening." I shook my head and looked away, avoiding his persuasive eyes.

"Please, Ian!" he continued to beg. "Call Matt and Mike! I'm sure they could help!"

I sighed. "Do you realize how much shit we'll get in?"

Josh stared at me. "Ian, please! You have no idea how much this will mean to me! I have never felt this way about anyone before…I have to find her! Please!"

I exhaled and looked up at the ceiling with my hands folded in my lap.

"I can't do this without you," he begged in a more hushed tone.

I rolled my eyes and gave in. "Oh, alright."

Josh practically jumped from his seat like a screaming fangirl and playfully shoved my shoulder. "You're amazing, you know that?"

I laughed and whipped out my phone to call over Matt and Mike with Josh beaming over my shoulder. Within minutes, the entire band was collected in Josh's ironically unpleasant rehab room.

"Matt and Mike reporting for duty!" Mike chimed at the doorway.


	48. Trading in Who I've Been

**Author's Note: Sorry about the super slow update! I had work and college and it was hard to find time to sit down and write this. To make up for it, it's about twice as long as any other chapter.**

**Two left!**

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><p>"So, what's the plan?" Matt asked. He and Ian were sitting on either side of Josh, while I had taken the desk chair.<p>

"You get me out of this room," Josh said.

Matt rolled his eyes. "And _how_ would you like us to do that? It's not like they're going to let you just walk out of here."

"That's why they can't _see_ me walk out of here," Josh said, as if it was obvious.

It took Matt a moment to clue in. "So you want us to..."

"Go out and get rid of the receptionist, yes. You and Mike can go, and let Ian know when it's clear."

"And what exactly are we supposed to say?"

"I don't know." Josh waved his hand at the air vaguely. "Make it up."

A couple of minutes later, Matt and I were making our way down the hallway towards the lobby. "Why do I have a bad feeling about this?" Matt muttered, and I laughed.

"It'll be fine," I said as we entered the empty lobby as it was too late for conventional visitation.

"Can I help you?" the receptionist asked, looking up at us. She was the same lady who'd greeted us earlier; a woman in her mid-forties, her red hair liberally streaked with grey.

"Uh," Matt said, and I realized we had absolutely no plan as to how we would pull this off. "I was just...er...wondering if you could show me where the bathrooms are?"

"Down the hall," the receptionist said, gesturing vaguely behind her.

"Oh," Matt said, looking a little put-out. "Actually...do you think you could...show me?"

The receptionist raised her perfectly-trimmed eyebrows. "I assure you, you won't get lost. It's impossible to miss."

Matt shot me a slightly panicked, questioning gaze, and I shrugged. "Just...come with me please?" he tried hopefully.

"And why would you want me to do that?"

"Oh," Matt said, obviously attempting to think fast. "You know..."

The receptionist's eyebrows almost disappeared into her hairline. "Young man, I've _told_ you where the washroom can be found. If you're looking for anything more than a place to piss, I'm afraid you've come to the wrong person."

Matt's face turned bright red, and I had to choke back laughter. "N-no," he stammered, "that's not what I—"

"I will not tolerate such behaviour," the receptionist said firmly, ignoring him. "Besides, I'm sure someone as handsome as you can do better."

Matt gaped at her. "I have a girlfriend!" he blurted after a moment of speechlessness.

The receptionist sniffed. "That makes your actions even more repulsive."

Seeming at a loss for words, Matt looked at me, his eyes wide, and I struggled not to laugh. "You heard her, Matt," I managed with a relatively straight face. "I guess today you're going alone."

Matt glared at me, his face still beet red, before turning and stalking off in the direction of the washrooms. The receptionist stared after him with narrowed eyes.

"As if I would ever..." she muttered under her breath, and I bit back another chuckle. Leave it to Matt to so completely give someone the wrong impression.

After a moment, the receptionist seemed to notice that I was still standing there, and turned her attention back to me. "Can I help you?" she asked, a tone of agitation in her voice.

"Um, yes," I said quickly, realizing that I had about ten seconds to come up with a reason for being there that was slightly more believable than Matt's. "I—um, I'm here visiting Josh—"

"I know," the receptionist interrupted, rolling her eyes.

Not knowing exactly where I was going with this, I continued to ramble on. "Well, he seems a lot better lately, and we were all wondering if you might be able to release him soon?" It was true that Josh was desperate to get out of rehab, and we were all anxious for things to settle back down to normal.

The receptionist sighed. "One good day does not mean Mr. Ramsay is better. I have no idea what his progress is. However—"

"Do you think we could speak to his doctor?" I asked hopefully, the idea hitting me suddenly.

"I supposed that'd be alright," she said, and at last began to get out of her seat. "Wait right here, I'll be back in a minute." She disappeared out a door behind her desk, and I breathed a sigh of relief before pulling out my phone to text Ian.

He arrived in record time with Josh. "Where's Matt?" Josh asked, just as Matt arrived, a scowl on his face.

"Thanks for helping me out," he said to me, sounding slightly bitter.

"Dude, where were you?" Josh asked.

"Bathroom," Matt muttered, and I let out a small laugh. His cheeks were still stained a little red, and Josh looked at him oddly before shrugging.

"Whatever. Let's go, we need to get out of here." Josh was practically bouncing up and down; he looked better than he had in months.

"Yeah," I added. "The receptionist just went to look for your doctor, I have no idea how long she'll be."

We were almost at the door when we heard the clatter of high heeled shoes on the floor behind us.

"Just where do you think you're going?"

Slowly, we all turned around. The receptionist was standing at the other end of the room, staring at us suspiciously.

"I want to talk to Dr. Wilson, too," Josh said quickly. "To talk about leaving. I mean, I've been here before, there's not much more you can do for me—"

"Obviously the first time wasn't quite enough to hit home," the receptionist said unkindly. Josh flinched.

"I still want to talk to him," Josh said. The receptionist sighed, and looked around at all of us.

"I presume I'm to take all of you to see him?" she asked. When we nodded, she sighed again, before beckoning us towards her. "Right this way, please."

She led us down a back hallway, into a type of sitting room. A tall man, probably into his sixties, was waiting for us.

"I'm Dr. Shane Wilson," he said, extending his hand to each of us in turn. "Josh and I have met many occasions."

"Three times a day," Josh piped up, rolling his eyes.

Dr. Wilson nodded. "And I must say, your improvement even since this morning is remarkable. Anyway, what can I do for you boys?"

"We were wondering about Josh's recovery," I said, aware that the receptionist was still standing in the room with us. "And if he might be okay to leave soon. We're a band, we have to get back to recording and stuff..."

Dr. Wilson was already shaking his head. "It's far too soon for that. I'm extremely happy that Josh is feeling better, but it hasn't quite...left his system, so to speak. He'll have to stay with us for at least a few more weeks. I'm sorry," he added, seeing Josh's crestfallen look. "Is there anything else I can help you with?"

"There's someone here," Josh said after a beat. "He said he was a fan of the band, do you think we could talk to him? I feel bad for how I treated him earlier." From the glint in his eye, I knew Josh was planning something.

"Do you know his name?" Dr. Wilson asked, and Josh shook his head. The doctor sighed. "Well then, I'm afraid I can't help—"

"He's about seventeen," Josh persisted. "Longish blonde hair, blue eyes..." He trailed off, brow scrunched up as he thought, but to my surprise the doctor was nodding.

"Lucas, I think," he said thoughtfully. "He's only been here for a few weeks."

"Do you know what for?" Josh asked.

Dr. Wilson shook his head. "I'm sorry, I can't disclose that information. You'll have to ask him yourself."

"But you can take us to see him?"

"He has a visitor at the moment," the receptionist said, and the doctor considered for a moment.

"I can take you to his room," Dr. Wilson said at last, "although it's up to him whether he'll want to see you or not."

"He'll want to see us," Josh said confidently.

Dr. Wilson chuckled. "It's good to see you've made such an improvement, Josh. If you'd all just follow me, I'll take you to Lucas's room."

He led us up several flights of stairs, up to a brightly-lit third floor corridor identical to Josh's. We came to a stop outside a door about halfway down.

Dr. Wilson rapped sharply on the door. "Lucas?" he called through the wood. "You have visitors."

"I don't want to see anyone right now," a voice that I could assume belonged to Lucas shouted, his door remaining stubbornly closed.

Josh pushed his way past us, until he stood right in front of the door. "It's me, Josh Ramsay," he said. "And the rest of the band. Do you think we could talk to you for a moment?"

For several moments, there was no answer. And then the door opened a crack, and a boy with shaggy blonde hair and bloodshot eyes peered out. "What do you want to see me for?"

Josh sighed. "Look, I'm sorry for the way I talked to you earlier. Can we come in please?"

Resentfully, Lucas opened the door further, wide enough for me to see a girl sitting on the edge of his bed. "Yeah, I guess that'd be okay," he said. Once we were all inside and the door was closed behind us, he gestured to the girl and said, "This is Candace. My girlfriend."

"Nice to meet you," Ian said awkwardly, and the girl nodded.

"Why are you here?" Lucas asked bluntly. Both he and Candace looked like they'd been crying.

"To apologize," Josh said, walking over to the chair by the desk and sitting down. "And to talk to you. What are you _really_ here for?"

Lucas averted his eyes, sitting down on the bed next to Candace. "I told you—"

"You didn't think I'd fall for that, did you?" Josh interrupted. "I've heard that one before, and they'd figure out pretty quick if you were here for nothing at all."

"Why should I tell you?"

"You don't have to," Josh said, "it's just that...I've learned that sometimes it helps to talk to people." I saw him look out of the corner of his eye at Matt. When Lucas still looked doubtful, Josh continued, "You were right, I am in here for heroin. I got sucked back into a cycle of bad habits, and instead of going for help I lashed out at my friends. It almost tore the band apart. It almost killed me."

For a moment, Lucas seemed speechless. "Why are you telling me this?" he asked.

"Because I want you to know that I know what it feels like. And that I'm here to help you. We all are."

"I'm here for heroin, too," Lucas admitted in an almost-whisper, and Candace reached across the space between him to take his hand. "I don't even know how it happened...I mean, I knew about your struggles, and I promised myself that would never happen to me, but..." He shook his head hopelessly. "I hate it here."

"Me too," Josh said feelingly.

"I want to leave."

"Me too." Josh hesitated. "And that's why we need your help."

Lucas looked up, a spark of interest in his eyes. "What d'you need my help for?"

Quickly Josh explained about Alexa, and the flight that was leaving in less than two hours. As he spoke, a slow grin spread over Lucas's features.

"That's _so cool_," he exclaimed when Josh was done, all his past misery vanished for the moment. "You want us to help you break out of rehab?"

Josh nodded, looking hopeful. "So you'll do it?"

"Of course!" Lucas said excitedly, before looking over at Candace. "Are you in?"

She just nodded, a small smile on her face, her eyes wide.

"So how's this going to work?" Ian asked.

"If it involves distracting the receptionist again," Matt said, "I refuse to be the one to do it."

"What happened there, anyway?" Josh turned to look at him. "You were supposed to be helping me get out of here, not taking a bathroom break."

Immediately Matt turned red again, so I explained for him. "Matt accidentally made the receptionist think that he wanted to have sex in the bathroom with her."

Josh let out a loud guffaw of laughter. "How the hell did you manage that?"

"With difficulty," Matt mumbled.

"You ruined my perfectly good plan."

"What plan?" Matt exclaimed. "Your 'plan' was for us to go out there and make stuff up, and I did the best I could! Anyway, Mike handled it."

Ian snorted with amusement, and both Lucas and Candace were holding back smiles. It was good to see Matt and Josh back on the same terms they had always been on.

"And it still didn't work," Josh grumbled. "Which is why we're in need of a Plan B." He looked at Lucas and Candace expectantly. "Either of you have any ideas?" Candace shook her head, and Josh said, "You don't talk much, do you?"

She blushed. "It's just," she burst out suddenly, "you're _Marianas Trench_! I love you guys so much!" She clapped a hand over her mouth, embarrassed.

"Ah," Josh said knowingly, "you're a fan too?"

"Yeah," Lucas said, grinning, "she's the one who introduced me to you guys."

"So you and Amanda broke up?" Candace blurted. "You went back to heroin? How come no one noticed? And how'd you end up back here?" She covered her mouth with her hand again, and her next words were muffled. "I'm sorry, I shouldn't have said anything."

"Don't worry about it," Josh said, grinning at her. "I'll forgive you if you help me get out of here."

His smile seemed to put her at ease, and Candace looked around thoughtfully. Finally she pointed at a scarf and a heavy winter sweater hanging off the back of the door. "You know how people are always telling you you're girly?"

"Hey!" Josh exclaimed, affronted. "I am manly!"

Matt snorted. "Keep telling yourself that, bro," he muttered.

"Well I think for tonight," Candace said, "you shouldn't be." She grinned mischievously and stood, pulling Lucas to his feet as well. "I think if you wear these," she held up the sweater and scarf, "you could pull off being a lady."

Ian laughed. "I can't wait to see this."

Josh laughed as well. "It's worth a shot," he said.

A few minutes later, the scarf was wrapped tightly over Josh's hair, the sweater pulled over his own and stuffed with socks from Lucas's drawer. The result, when he was finished, was comical.

"_More than a woman,_" Matt sang at him mockingly, restraining his laughter with difficulty, "_more than a woman to me_."

"Shut up," Josh told him, but he was grinning; like me, he was probably remembering a day in a van on tour some four years ago, and a loud song playing on the radio. "Do I pass?"

"You need to stoop more," Lucas said, analyzing him. "You're too tall."

"And keep your head down," Ian said, chuckling. "For the sake of all involved."

"And take off your shoes," I added. "No old lady wears converse."

"He can't just walk around without shoes!" Candace said.

"It's fine," Josh laughed. "I can be Matt's insane old grandmother who walks around without shoes. And also decides to visit her grandson's best friend at rehab at nine o'clock on a Tuesday night."

Matt groaned. "You're dragging me into this again? Remember what happened last time?"

"It could work," Ian said thoughtfully, nodding.

"Okay," Josh said, clapping his hands together. "Let's go, before it's too late." He pulled his shoes off before slinging an arm around Matt's shoulders and stooping heavily. "Let's go, deary," he said, his voice high and croaky.

Matt only shook his head, but I could tell he was laughing. Together, they made their way out of the room.

After a minute, Ian said, "Let's follow them. I really want to see how this goes."

When we got down to the main floor, Josh and Matt were already making slow progress across the lobby.

"Grandma," Matt said loudly, "I've told you, you can't just walk around without shoes on, especially in the middle of winter!"

"Oh dear me," Josh said in a tremulous voice. "Did I forget those again?"

Matt sighed dramatically. "You shouldn't even be here," he said, reprimanding. "It's past your bedtime. I'm sure Josh appreciates the thought, but—"

"Excuse me," the receptionist interrupted from behind her desk. "What's going on here?"

"My grandmother," Matt explained apologetically. "She thought she'd come visit my friend with me. She's not...all there, if you know what I mean."

"I didn't see her come in," the receptionist said, looking faintly confused.

Matt sighed again. "She does that. She probably snuck by when you weren't watching; actually, she probably doesn't even remember what she's doing here."

"My grandson deserves attention from his loving grandmother," Josh said.

"Josh isn't your grandson," Matt said gently. "I am."

Josh waved his hand irritably. "Oh, but you two were so close growing up, he might as well be."

"See what I mean?" Matt said to the receptionist, before turning his attention back to Josh. "Come on, Grandma, let's get you home."

A moment later they were out the door without another word of protest from the receptionist. Ian punched the air in triumph and I highfived both Lucas and Candace.

"Thanks for your help," I told them.

Lucas grinned. "That was awesome!" he said giddily. "I can't wait to tell my mom when she visits tomorrow!"

Candace's smile was just as big, but she only said, "I hope he gets my scarf and sweater back to me soon."

"I'm sure he will," Lucas said, laughing. "After all, his shoes are still in my room."


	49. I'll Be Right Beside You

**Author's Note: So there's still an epilogue that'll be posted in the next couple of days, but this is essentially the end of the story. For everyone asking, YES, Jackie and I are planning a second collaboration that'll be started pretty quickly after this one's over. I'll give more details on that later. But for now...enjoy chapter 49!**

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><p>"I CAN'T BELIEVE THAT WORKED!" I exclaimed as Matt drove down the highway at full speed, looking in the rear-view mirror as we watched the stupid rehab building get smaller and smaller.<p>

"I know!" Matt was smiling from ear to ear. "You better change, unless you want Alexa to confuse you with Lily!"

I cackled louder than necessary, but I had good reason to. I hadn't felt this carefree in ages, and I wasn't gonna waste one second of it. I unwrapped the scarf and swiftly traded Candace's sweater for my own.

"How do I look?" I asked, smiling in Matt's direction.

He shrugged. "If you're going for the dishevelled look, I guess you're passable."

"Fuck off!" I shoved him before we broke into a huge laughing fest.

Matt paused to look at me. "Hey man, I'm glad you're feeling better."

I grinned. "Me too."

Thankfully, the ride to the airport was rather quick and before I knew it, we were pulling into the parking lot.

I checked the time.

"Shit," Matt gasped, "twenty minutes. You better hurry!"

I quickly stepped out of the car and slammed the door behind me before stopping to bend over at the window. "Thanks for everything, Matt."

Matt sighed. "No problem."

"No, seriously," I pressed, "thank you."

Matt rolled his eyes. "Yeah, yeah, now go!"

I smiled and bolted towards the front entrance. As I entered through the automatic doors, my heart froze. There were so many people; I couldn't see a fucking thing, let alone figure out which plane Alexa was on.

I knew I had to start somewhere so I sprinted to the nearest information booth. "Hi, where's the plane to Toronto boarding?"

The lady gave me a ridiculously cheerful smile. "You mean the one leaving in fifteen minutes?" she chimed.

"Yes," I said exasperatedly, impatiently.

She typed a few things into her computer before looking up at me and beaming. "Gate 40."

"Awesome, thanks!" I responded quickly before dashing for the gate.

As I pushed through hundreds of business men, tourists, and, God forbid, small children, I finally found what I was looking for.

"37…38…39…" I muttered to myself, "40!" I exclaimed once I made it. However, no red-headed beauty was in sight.

"Excuse me," I asked one of the employees who was doing the final ticket scan, "did you see a rather tall, red-headed girl board this plane?"

The tall man shrugged. "I dunno, man."

I rolled my eyes. "Do you mind checking for me?"

"Sorry, no can do."

"Are you fucking serious?"

"Is there a problem?" He began walking towards me.

"N—no, no," I stuttered, intimidated by him.

The guy took a step back and assumed the position he was in when I first arrived.

"Five minutes until departure to Toronto, five minutes," I heard a voice on the intercom.

I panicked and looked at the guy in desperation. "Look, there's a girl on this plane and—"

"—and you have to tell her you love her before she ventures off and you never see her again," the asshole read my mind.

I ran my hands through my already messy hair. "Yes. Please, you have to help me!"

The guy paused and studied my face. "Hey wait a minute, aren't you that guy from that band…"

"Marianas Trench?"

"No that's not it…"

I crossed my arms and waited in frustration.

"Fall Out Boy!" he clapped his hands and grinned, "Hey, my daughter loves you guys!"

I chuckled to myself. "Oh, wow. Thank you!"

"Do you mind if I get an autograph?" he beamed.

I smirked. "Only if you can get me on that plane."

"Deal!" he exclaimed, rubbing his palms together in excitement.

I quickly grabbed a napkin and a Sharpie and tried my best to invent a passable autograph for Pete Wentz. I handed the horribly autographed napkin to the guy who quickly muttered something to one of the flight attendants.

"Thanks again, Pete!" the guy called out as the flight attendant led me through the capsule leading to the plane.

Despite my panicked state, I couldn't help but laugh out loud. "No problem, man!"

"How long do you need?" she asked hurriedly. "'Cause this plane needs to leave."

"I know, I know," I brushed her off, "just give me five minutes."

"Who are you looking for anyways?" she inquired.

"A pretty tall, red-headed girl, beautiful blue eyes…" my voice trailed off as I started to think of her.

The flight attendant raised her eyebrows. "I think I know who you're talking about. Follow me," she instructed as she led me down a few rows of people before stopping in business class.

My heart stopped when I saw the back of her head. There she was.

_Fuck, now what?_

"Thanks," I whispered to the flight attendant.

"Just hurry," she responded. "I can stall the pilot, but not for long."

I nodded and shooed her away.

Alexa was sitting by the window, her head leaning against the glass. Unfortunately, there was a rather frail looking old lady seated beside her, so my plan to surprise her by sitting next to her had completely failed.

"Five minutes to departure," I heard a familiar voice on the intercom. Of course, the flight attendant was warning me to hurry up.

_It's now or never, Josh._

I took a few short strides towards where she was sitting and half-smiled in her direction while eyeing her gorgeous face. Alexa gave me a double take and practically leaped out of her seat.

"Josh?" she yelled.

I shrugged. "Surprise!"

"What the fuck are you doing here?" she whisper-yelled. The little old lady seemed quite petrified.

"Look, you can't leave! You need to get off this plane, now!"

"No," Alexa sighed and sat back down.

"Please, Alexa!" I begged.

"Why?" she crossed her arms, waiting for a good explanation.

"Because I love you. Because I haven't been able to get you off my mind. Because you're the best and worst thing that's ever happened to me and I don't want to see yet another good thing leave my life again. Because you're amazing and I don't know what I'd do with myself if you left." The words fell from my lips before I had the chance to think about them, and I held my breath. We were locked in a stare, Alexa's face unreadable.

She shook her head. "N—no, I told you. I'm bad news, Josh. You don't want anything to do with me," she insisted. "Now please leave."

I took a deep breath. "No."

"Yes, I—" she started.

"I'm not letting you go, Alexa! Not this time!" I pressed.

A long pause drew out before I heard another announcement on the intercom. "Two minutes to departure."

I looked at Alexa in desperation, "Please, Alexa!"

"I think you should go with him, my dear. He's quite handsome!" the old lady chimed in, looking at Alexa hopefully.

Alexa paused for a moment before shaking her head. "No."

"WHY?" I exclaimed.

"Because I'm scared of this! I'm scared of getting hurt again. I'm scared of feeling this way!" She began to tear up.

I reached out and grabbed her hand. "But I won't hurt you! I'd never do anything to make you feel scared. I told you, I love you!"

Tears were streaming down Alexa's face as she shook her head for the last time. "No."

Before I knew it, the flight attendant had returned. "I'm sorry, the plane is departing."

My eyes remained fixed on Alexa's broken face as I nodded with a sigh and began to walk out.

I couldn't believe I actually thought I had a chance in saving this stupid 'relationship'. What would Alexa want with a stupid guy like me anyways? I knew I'd never be good enough for anyone. Why should she be any different?

I decided I should probably call Matt and the boys to come pick me up. I dialled his number and put the phone to my ear, right before feeling a tap on my shoulder.

"What?" I turned around impatiently. My stomach churned at who I saw.

"Hi," Alexa was hiding a smile behind her hair as she was continuously wiping tears from her eyes.

Without realizing it, I dropped my phone. "W—what are you doing?" I asked in awe.

She blushed. "That stupid old lady told me you don't find guys like you just anywhere."

I laughed and crossed my arms.

"And stubborn little me agrees with her." Alexa finally lifted her head to look at me.

I tilted my head and stared at her lovingly.

"I love you too, Josh." I finally saw that smile I'd been craving for weeks.

"So—you're staying?" I clarified, still in shock from the last few minutes.

She giggled as she took a step towards me and wrapped her arms around my head, leaving me completely breathless. I put my arms around her waist as she kissed me with more force than ever, causing me to practically melt.

"I—Is that a yes?" I asked while our lips were still touching.

She laughed and leaned in for a long embrace.

"Where are your shoes?" She looked down upon releasing me.

I followed her eyes and chuckled when I realized I forgot to put them on when we made our escape.

I put my arm around her as we began walking towards the door. She snuggled closer into my grip and I leaned over to kiss her on the cheek.

"It's a long story," I smiled.


	50. Epilogue: We Would Walk Through a War

**Author's Note: Last chapter! I'm feeling a little bit sick right now. Both Jackie and I wanted to say a HUGE thank you to everyone who's been reading and encouraging us with this fanfiction. To everyone who's been reading it, quoting it, referencing it, recommending it, etc, we love you all so much. **

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><p>"I haven't felt this way before a concert in years," Josh said, laughing nervously. I noticed he was fiddling with his tie, and Alexa reached over to take his hand.<p>

"It'll be fine," she said encouragingly.

"You don't have to tell them anything you don't want to," I reminded him. Josh looked better than he had in weeks, but his bout in rehab had left him too thin, and there were still dark circles under his eyes.

He waved away my words. "No, they deserve to know."

"If you're sure." I appreciated what Josh was trying to do, reaching out to the fans after we had abandoned them for so long, but I also knew how difficult it was for him to talk about his past. If Josh got so emotional talking about something that had happened ten years ago, how much worse would it be when little more than a month had passed?

"I am." Josh had that determined look in his eyes, and I knew there was no point in arguing with him further.

"Hi." The voice came from the doorway, and I turned to see a tall boy with blonde hair and a girl with her dark hair tied back in a ponytail standing there.

"Lucas!" Josh exclaimed, getting to his feet. "Glad you could make it!" On Josh's last night in rehab he had paid a visit to Lucas, promising him free VIP passes to our next concert in town if he cleaned up his act. Less than a week later we had been offered the show we were playing tonight.

"You didn't sneak out, did you?" Ian added, and Mike and I smirked at each other. The plan to return Josh to rehab after his successful rendezvous with Alexa hadn't gone as well as we'd hoped; the receptionist and doctor had been waiting impatiently for us to arrive, despite Mike and Ian's attempts to distract them. After that, we hadn't been allowed to visit Josh without someone keeping a strict eye on us.

"I didn't have to," Lucas said, grinning hugely. "They released me a week and a half ago."

"Awesome!" Josh said, giving him a high five. "How are you feeling?"

"Terrible," Lucas admitted. "But I wasn't going to miss this concert for anything."

"The first couple of weeks fucking suck," Josh agreed. "But we're all glad you could make it."

"Me too," Lucas said, and next to him Candace was nodding her head fervently.

Just then, the curtain blocking us from the stage parted, and Brett slipped through. "Everything's all set up," he said. "Are you ready to go?"

We all nodded, and Josh said, "More ready than ever."

Brett looked at him appraisingly before saying, "Good luck, man." Brett had spent most of our two months off from touring visiting family in Saskatchewan, and had been a little upset when Mike finally contacted him and told him Josh was back in rehab. But he had forgiven him easily enough, and been a major help when we convinced the people at the rehab center to release Josh a little earlier than they had wanted to.

"Are you guys cool with hanging back here with the ladies while we perform?" Ian asked, gesturing at Alexa and Lily and Amanda—Leilani had stayed home with Tristan.

"Y-yeah, that'd be cool," Candace stammered, immediately turning bright red as Amanda smiled warmly at her.

"Okay, you guys have one minute," Brett said. "The crowd's getting restless out there."

Josh drew in a shaky breath. "I hope my voice is ready for this."

"You'll be fine," Alexa said, wrapping her arms around him, correctly interpreting that he meant he hoped _he_ was ready for this.

"Are you looking forward to performing again?" Amanda asked me.

"Definitely," I said, smiling down at her. "Especially knowing that for once you'll be watching me instead of him." I still found it hard to believe that things had worked out so perfectly after they had been so fucked up; that I had ended up with Amanda and Josh was okay with it. And just a few weeks ago Jess had finally contacted me again, and we were slowly working our way towards friendship.

"I feel so left out," Mike complained jokingly, looking around at the couples surrounding him. "Are you guys ready to rock, or what?"

"I'm super ready to rock," I said with a grin.

"Good," Brett called from where he was standing by the console. "Because you're on...now."

The opening words of Masterpiece Theatre I began to play, accompanied by the screams of the crowd. We shared one last look with each other before making our way onto the stage, the crowd growing louder as we took our places.

There was something about the thrill of being on stage, the way the crowd and the lyrics and the drum and bass and guitar all merged together that made the last piece click into place. This was where we belonged, together, and how could any of us have thought any differently?

From Masterpiece Theatre I we went into Celebrity Status, and then All To Myself, and then Say Anything and Shake Tramp and Decided To Break It. It was one of our best concerts; Josh, although still recovering, sounded better than ever. We all did.

After Decided To Break It, Mike and Ian and I walked off the stage, leaving Josh alone in the spotlight. The first words of the next song could be heard wavering back towards us:

"_Everyone's around, no words are coming now and I can't find my breath, can we just say the rest with no sound?"_

Alexa was standing just behind the curtain, looking faintly nervous. "Good luck," I told her as we passed by, and she shot me a small smile.

Onstage, Josh was just finishing the chorus. Alexa took a deep breath before stepping out onto the stage, her voice rising to meet Josh's.

"_I thought I saw a sign, somewhere between the lines. But maybe it's me, maybe I only see what I want..."_

They sounded good together, I had to admit. And Alexa sounded amazing, considering this was her first time on stage, and she was singing in front of some ten thousand people.

The rest of us waited until they had finished the second chorus before striding back out to take our places. Ian's drums and Mike's bass and finally my guitar joined in with their voices, rising up into the crescendo that I loved so much. Josh and Alexa were staring at each other like there was no one else there, throwing words at each other, until at last everything faded out except for Josh's voice, singing the last line.

"_I'd be so good to you."_

The crowd screamed, and Alexa, a huge grin on her face, flung her arms around Josh's neck and kissed him full on the lips. The crowd screamed even louder and when she attempted to move away, Josh pulled her closer. He whispered something in her ear, and Alexa nodded, a flush creeping up her cheeks.

With one arm wrapped tightly around Alexa's shoulders, Josh leaned into the mic and said, "This girl has helped me through so much over the past months."

The crowd shrieked; there were a few cat calls and a few whistles. "No, seriously," Josh insisted, "if it wasn't for her, I don't know where I'd be right now. And I guess it's time you guys learn the truth about where we've been lately, what's been going on and why you haven't heard from us in so long." Josh turned to look at me, and I nodded at him encouragingly. The sound of his exhaled breath echoed throughout the theatre.

"I went back to rehab." Josh paused, letting his statement hang there, and for once the crowd was silent. "Last summer, I found myself falling back into habits I thought I had broken when I was a teenager. And eventually, that path led me back to heroin. I didn't tell anyone because I thought I could handle it myself and...that was the stupidest thing I've ever done, actually." Josh laughed hollowly.

"I overdosed one night, and I probably would have died if Matt hadn't found me." I shuddered, remembering the horribleness of that moment. "After that, I was comatose in the hospital for two weeks, and they thought I wasn't going to survive. For awhile, I thought that maybe it'd be best if I didn't."

The theatre was still silent, and Josh's voice was much stronger when he next spoke. "But that's never the answer—there's always something to live for. Keeping secrets never helps anyone, and hurting yourself only ends up hurting those who love you. I think...we've all learned that.

"They put me back in rehab and I didn't want to go, but with the help of everyone you see on stage with me, I got better. And I just want you all to know that if you ever need help with something, or if you ever end up going down the wrong path, we're here for you. And it's never too late to turn your life around."

Now the crowd started to applaud and scream again, and there were even a few shouts of, "We love you, Josh!" Josh smiled.

"Anyway," he said, "I wrote a song during my last week at rehab, and we'd like to perform it for you now. We haven't had much time to put it together, so...go easy on us, please. It's called Desperate Measures." He released Alexa, giving her a gentle push towards the back of the stage, watching her until she disappeared from sight.

The dark beat of Ian's drums started up, followed by Mike's bass before I joined in with guitar. When Josh started to sing, it was the first time in years that the crowd was completely silent at a concert. Josh hadn't been exaggerating when he said we hadn't had much time to put this song together; we had actually practiced for the first time only a week ago. But the song flowed smoothly, about as perfect as I could have imagined. Josh's voice rose, overpowering everything else, as he sang the last line:

"_And I went to desperate measures just to find my way." _

Screams echoed off the rafters and Josh grinned, looking pleased. "Thanks," he said, his voice a little hoarse. "Thanks." He glanced back at me, and I flashed him a thumbs up.

Masterpiece Theatre II followed; then Cross My Heart and Acadia and Sing Sing and Perfect. I lost myself in the music after awhile, in the joy of being on stage with my band members when things were finally okay again.

We closed with Masterpiece Theatre III, or at least Josh thought we did; as the voices of the crowd replaced that of the music he started to walk off stage, turning around when he noticed we weren't following.

"We have one song left to perform," Mike said, motioning for him to rejoin us as I went to stand behind the keyboard again.

"This one's for Josh," I said into my mic. "And for Ian and Mike and all our friends...and for all of you guys, too. Our fans."

Josh was clearly confused—none of us had mentioned this to him beforehand—and when I started to sing, it was by myself.

"_When your tears are spent on your last pretence..." _

It didn't take Josh long to catch on, and by the second line he was singing with me. _"When it's in your spine like you've walked for miles, and the only thing you want is just to be still for a while."_

By the second verse, Mike and Ian were singing along, along with the entire crowd. It was one of those incredible moments I never wanted to forget.

We stopped singing to allow Josh to have the last line for himself, and his voice was shaking slightly as he sang, _"Nobody will break you."_

"Fuck, guys," he said over the sound of cheering, wiping at his eyes. "You weren't supposed to make me _cry_."

Everyone was awaiting us eagerly backstage after the concert. "What'd you guys think?" Josh asked Lucas and Candace after taking a long swallow of water.

"It was _awesome_," Lucas said.

"Totally," Candace agreed. "It was really...awesome and...stuff." She trailed off, looking at a loss for words.

"Glad you liked it," Mike said, smiling at her, causing her to blush.

"Can I have a hug?" she blurted suddenly. "From all of you, I mean? And pictures, maybe?"

"Of course!" Josh exclaimed, laughing.

"You look like you're about to faint," Lucas observed afterwards, and Candace stuck her tongue out at him.

"Thanks so much," she said a little breathlessly, clutching her camera tightly. "For everything."

"No problem," Josh said. "You guys earned it, after helping me break out of rehab and everything."

"We should probably get going," Lucas said, a little reluctantly. "My mom's set a pretty strict curfew on me since I got out. She allowed me break it for tonight, but I still shouldn't get home too late..."

"Keep in touch, alright?" Josh told him. "Let me know if you need help going through withdrawal or anything. It's kinda the shittiest thing in the world."

They left not long after, Candace looking a little shocked after Josh gave them his cell number, telling them jokingly not to misuse it.

"They're nice kids," Alexa mused after they had gone.

"They're the reason I have you," Josh said, reaching out for her hand.

"How come you never talked to me like that?" Amanda asked him lightly.

"How come you never talked to _me_ like that?" Josh shot back at her, grinning. Things between them had finally settled down to a slightly awkward, teasing friendship, which I was glad for.

"Fair enough," Amanda said, laughing. "Maybe that's why things never worked out."

"Is sweet talk all it takes, then?" Ian wondered. "Wish I'd known that sooner."

"I don't," Lily murmured, pulling herself closer to him.

"And here I thought I was supposed to be the cheesy one," Mike said. "What's happened to everyone?"

"I don't know, man," Josh said with a chuckle. "All I know is that I feel awesome. Well, no, I feel shitty at the moment. It's more like I'm..."

"At peace," Mike suggested helpfully. "It's been too long since things have been peaceful around here."

"I knew we would walk through a war for some peace of mind," I mumbled under my breath with a smile, remembering the song I had written before Christmas while dreaming of this moment.

"What?" Josh asked, looking at me with a slightly confused expression on his face.

"Nothing," I said hastily. I looked around at all of us, at Ian with his arm around Lily's waist, at Josh and Alexa's clasped hands, at Amanda by my side and at Mike, who was alone but had a wife and an almost-healthy son to go home to. The adrenaline from the concert was still rushing through my veins, and I couldn't remember being happier. "What do you say to going out and celebrating?"

This time, no one disagreed.

* * *

><p><strong>AN: And...it's done.**

**For those of you who are as sad as we are to see this story come to an end, Jackie and I _are_ planning on collabing on a second fanfiction together. As of right now, the working title is The Softer Side of Unbearable, although I'm not telling you anything else about it. For those of you who are eager and awesome, the trending tag for it on twitter will be #TSSOU. I don't know how long we'll be in planning/writing that one, because school for both of us is crazy busy right now. **

**If you want to hear from us or hear little sneak peeks of chapters before they're put up follow us on twitter (SamMasterpiece and jackienaccache). **

**As always, leave reviews or tweet us with your opinions, on this chapter or on the story as a whole! We love you all, and hopefully it won't be too long before the next story is up :)**


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